Nazis at the Center of the Earth- Joseph J. Lawson

     Ummmmmm! Nazis at the Center of the Earth? OK, sold. My thoughts when I first heard about the asylum's newest addition to their catalog of awesome.
     A group of Scientists in Antarctica stumble upon a bunch of Nazis who with Josef Mengele  as their leader are trying to stay alive and cause some shit. That is all I am going to tell you plot wise. That is all you need to know. I don't want to ruin the awesome that is in this.
     The first hour of this is so brutal for an asylum film. It is surprisingly bleak and dare I say mean spirited. The gore is not lacking and actually has a few nail biting moments and while not perfect by any stretch of the imagination the acting is surprisingly effective. The guy that plays Mengele is especially awesome. He is actually menacing and believable.  The only real downfalls are some of the CGI is pretty atrocious and there may be a few plot holes.
     The last half hour completely switches and reminds you that you are watching an asylum film. This movie is so full of insanity your jaw will hit the floor.  I will not spoil this. It is so hard as my life is so much more complete after seeing this film. I want to shout it from the rooftops but that would be an injustice to anyone that hasn't seen this. It is on par with blurting out who killed Laura Palmer. You must watch this.


3.5/5

Tromeric

Children of the Corn: Genesis- Joel Soisson

     Not counting the remake this is the eleventh Children of the Corn film. That is insane. Why Children of the Corn? The first one is good for the time and due to how much I loved it as a kid something I revisit from time to time. Cool idea and the kids are creepy. The sequels are all pretty bad. Some of some fun moments but nothing about them screams more.  I mean Freddy didn't even get eleven films for Christs' sake. Well I guess it doesn't matter why it happened because it did.
     The movie starts off with a soldier returning home to find his family dead. Then what looks like a kid from every Japanese ghost movie strobe moves at him and throws a crucifix at his face. We then jump ahead to a couple who has some car trouble, never heard of that happening in a horror film. Well they go to the first really creepy house they can find and ask for help. Billy Drago took a break from getting Aids for Greg Araki to be a creepy ass preacher who is married to the kinda hot chick from Hostel.  The couple ends up having to stay the night as there is nothing open if bum fuck scary town. Now it is time for weird shit to start happening that will raise their suspicion but not enough to do anything.
     This may be one of the most pointless sequels ever made and that is saying something as I am comparing it to nine other Children of the Corn sequels. It is called Children of the Corn but has only a couple of them and it is never made clear if they even have anything to do with the chaos. They try and elude that the one kid that is kind of shown is basically Carrie White but it becomes pretty convoluted with all the other "twists" that they shove down your throat like that Sasha Grey movie I saw.

1/5

Tromeric

Hellraiser: Revelations- Victor Garcia

     I know I am way late on this. I am usually better about watching the shitty films that no one else wants to. This had shit written all over it like a coprophiliac's bedroom. I knew this would be bad from the very beginning. First of all Hellraiser has been shit since Part four. I am one of the few that really liked three I know, but I did. Bloodline however was total shit and it has been a downward spiral since then. When I heard this was happening I couldn't believe it. A Hellraiser movie so bad Doug Bradly wouldn't be in it. I love ol' Doug and will say that even in all the shitty sequels he owned the role of Pinhead but lets face it.He was in one amazing Hellraiser, two awesome and four complete shit sequels. If he read Deader and was like "OK" and then read this and was like "I think we may be missing the mark with this" I figured I should stay away, and let's not forget Clive Barker himself saying that this didn't even come from his butthole. That is one way to know you done fucked up filmmakers. Well now that I told you a bunch of things you already know here are some more you may or may not.
     Some douche bag teens leave their rich ass parents house to go to Mexico and get some prostitutes. They kill one somehow and then buy a puzzle box that happens to be the Lament Configuration. They open it and some dude that looks less like Pinhead than that fat dude at comic-con shows up and tears some souls apart. One of the dip shits gets taken to hell but escapes and makes his friend kill more hookers to bring him back to life(sound kinda but not really familiar?) so he can be more of a douche. While all this is happening the family's of these shits are sad for some reason so they eat some dinner and whine a lot about their missing kids. This moderately attractive girl who is one of their sisters and one of their puzzle box's opens the Lament and her brother shows up. I will stop here as I have already given away more than I ever would in a review. The thing is, I don't care. It doesn't matter. I will say from here on out this switches from a shitty Hellraiser film to a shitty home invasion movie. Just think of Funny Games, starring the cenobites. If you have been smart enough to stay away from this, continue that. If you feel like torturing yourself and can't find  a Lament Configuration this is a close second.

.5/5

Tromeric 

Livide- Alexandre Bustillo/Julien Maury

   
     I have been waiting for this longer than Monica Bellucci was waiting for the rape to end in Irreversible. Inside gutted me and I have been patiently waiting for a follow up from these madman of France. Well it is here and it is about as different as James Earl Jones and the other James Earl.
     The plot is basically like City Slickers two except instead of looking for Curly's gold they are looking for a dance teacher's(who happens to be in a coma)treasure.  Lucy tells here degenerate boyfriend about the treasure and he and his friend convince her to take them there. They break in and shit gets real.
     Livide is shot with the precision that it would of taken Lee Harvey Oswald to hit Kennedy from the observatory if that was the case.  That is for another time though. What I am saying is this is beautiful. Not surprising after seeing Inside. Every scene is a painting that was given more love that Van Gogh's prostitute. The acting is excellent across the board with Chloé Coulloud as Lucy being the standout.  She sells every scene with her eye.  The music is perfectly executed and the effects while not as bloody and grotesque as you might expect from this duo are fantastic and effective and have plenty of gross out value.
     Livide is a perfect follow up. It is nothing like Inside and that is a good thing. Inside is one of my favorite films of the last decade but if they had just tried to rehash it they would have to change their names to Zombie or Roth. They have made a fantastical supernatural film with nods to Halloween three and an overall tone that owes itself to another French god, Jean Rollin.

4/5

Tromeric

Midnight Horror Show

Just got word on a new You Tube channel that is going to be doing short horror films. It's called The Midnight Horror Show. The first short is up called La Cama. It was a Friday the 13th special. Some good atmosphere and music. Definitely wanna see what these guys do next. Check out the video below of La Cama.

-Tromeric

And the Winners Are........

The time has come for the winners of the 2 Headed Shark Attack print done up by Jeremy Gaulkenstein over at Critters and Gods. I decided to take on thirteen shots of tequila while drawing the names. I mean this is the grog for gods sake. Well, watch the video to find out the winners and thanks to everyone that entered and has supported us. We sent off the shirts of this to the printer so you all will have your chance of ordering those as well. 

-Tromeric

Easter A Go-Go: A Story of Rabbits, Torture, and Booze

     So Jesus may be my least favorite cryptozoological creature, I mean he ain't got shit on Bigfoot or  Chupacabra, but any excuse I can use for a marathon at the house of grog I will take advantage of like a Grandmother with alzheimers.  I wanted to do an all day/night marathon but by the time I got done serving people their bullshit Easter lunches and got home and got in the zone(sat on my porch with shots and smokes) it was already eight o'clock.  Peter Poison and I started off by giving ourselves res-erections with one of my favorite sequels that doesn't take place in college.

Critters 2: The Main Course- Mick Garris

     We meet Brad who has come back from the big city. Coincidentally the bounty hunters along with the town drunk Charlie are also stopping back in town to kill some mother fucking krites. We meet the townspeople who consist of Lipshitz from Whoopee Boys, Brad's grandma who teaches kids the right way to BM, the sexy small town reporter who in the words of Brad is "Jimmy Olson with breasts." Well I have a boner. These are just a few of the townsfolk. The town punk trades some eggs he found off the set of Poultrygeist for beer and Playboys because he knows what you need to survive. These eggs start hatching like an alligator in a sewer and the krites start unleashing their awesome. There of course are some casualties, not just the humans either. The krites have some pretty epic death moments. A dad steps on one of the eggs right before it hatches and it looks like the worst case of whiskey swamp butt ever, he isn't concerned though. He just thinks it's a Cadbury egg. That is just in the beginning. I will get to the rest. We gotta get back to the bounty hunters. They get suited up, and by that I mean turn into a Playboy model and yell "Kill Krites" a lot. The Krites are now causing so much tomfoolery you know shit is going down. They take over Shitlip's restaurant and turn it into their very own Good Burger. They love cheeseburgers more than those cat memes. Lots of them meet their demise here. One becomes licking good fried while one get's his hair shot off. While some take over the burger joint a bunch of others take on the rest of the town fucking shit up like they are the racoons from the Great Outdoors. This all just keeps escalating until we get one of monster cinemas best creatures. Critterzilla!
     Critters two is one of my favorite sequels, in fact it is just one of my favorite eighties horror films. It is not perfect but the effects created by my favorite Killer Klowns are a blast, the story is fun and as far as Easter themed horror it is at the top of the list. That should be a special category in the AFI.

    Now that Critters was over it was time to change the tone of things. We switched the disc over to the film that holds the award for most Jesus beating. The Passion of the Christ. Intoxication was fully set in by this point and the munchies(snacks not the Gremlins rip off) had set in. I attempted to make some popcorn but my drunk ass didn't bother taking the plastic off and just melted shit all over my microwave. I got my shit together and got some corn popped, grabbed some pop rocks and made another drink and sat down to watch this shit.

The Passion of the Christ- Mel Gibson

     We meet Jesus in a set more fog machine engulfed then a youth group stage production. He is taken to the guys from the California Raisin's Christmas special where they tell him he is crazy and a blaspheme. He is then set upon his journey to carry a cross, get beaten more than a girl in a Max Hardcore film, be whipped so much that I kept waiting for the Romans to tell him his name was Toby, run into some creepy ass kids that chase Judas like it's Hostel, see what Zelda Rubinstein looks like as a baby and run into the devil who happens to be the singer of Midnight Oil.
     The Passion is two hours of Jesus walking up a hill. It is like Lord of the Rings but more exciting. Along the way we also meet his mother who is a foot fetishist, Mary Magdalene who took a break from getting raped for nine minutes to be Jesus' whore and some of his disciples that sell him out quicker than a Mondo poster. Jesus just keeps getting beaten. Over and over. There is also lots of falling. He get's beaten then he falls. This film has more falling than a Julie Cruise song. This goes on and on with a couple quick breaks to teach us that Jesus built the table and his mom is a fucking idiot. This is all building to the climax which......Spoiler Alert. Jesus gets crucified, I am fine with Jesus getting crucified but did I really need to see his moose knuckle? After he is crucified they stab him just in case the hours of Jesus beating wasn't enough. That is a great moment as it reigns blood all over the crowd. This is where the film could of gotten even cooler but I will save that for another time.
     All jokes aside the passion is an excellent film. It is beautiful, powerful and well shot. The effects are some of the best I have ever seen. While I gave up Dungeons and Dragons years ago I still can appreciate this as a great movie as powerful as it is exploitative.

     At this point I am beyond drunk. I have left reality. Steph Infection shows up with Pizza and a "special" peanut butter that is exactly what I needed to add to the intoxication. Now that the Jesus beating was over, I had something in my stomach aside from alcohol and added peanut butter that would send me to a new land it was time for gigantic killer bunnies.

Night of the Lepus- William F. Claxton

     In this alternate reality where Janet Leigh survived the shower she has to take on a bunch of giant rabbits that have a taste for crayola crayons.
    I love giant animal movies. It's no secret. This is one of my faves. They use cutting edge technology known as the mother fucking zoom button to create these beasts. These giant rabbits wreak havoc on everything from horses to Warwick Davis' house . They chase trucks down(where was the "objects may be closer than they appear" joke?) and get shot with paintball guns as if it was Friday the 13th part 6.

    This was  a perfect way to end the night. I wanted to keep going but to be honest by this point I wasn't even sure what planet I was on. Next year I will have to start earlier so I can add Easter Bunny Kill! Kill!, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, Subconscious Cruelty, and Begotten to the Easter fest.


- Tromeric

Guts and Grog's first contest

OK. We have our first official contest and let me tell you this prize is gonna look so good on your wall. Jeremy Gaulkenstein of Critters and Gods(who created our wonderful logo) has done an 11 by 17 one of a kind print of his interpretation of The Asylum's modern masterpiece of creature film making 2 Headed Shark Attack. It will be numbered 1/1 and signed by him. Look at the picture to the left and give yourself time to stand up and follow these simple rules to enter. Go to Critters and Gods and follow him on there, then go to his Facebook and like his page. After you have done at least one of these things(preferably both) leave a comment below with your favorite Asylum film's title and an actor you want to see in an Asylum movie. That is it. On April 17th I will do a drawing with everyone that has followed these simple rules and pick the winner. There will also be a second drawing for the runner up who will receive a complete set of Critters and Gods and depending on how many entries there are I may give out some single issues. Keep looking at that print, head over to Critters and Gods and check out all his amazing work. 

Tromeric

The Divide- Xavier Gens

     I love movies that make me feel empty inside. I can't explain it, it is just something that works for me. If a movie can cause me to abandon all hope for two hours the chances of me liking it are pretty great. Well The Divide left me feeling more empty than a thirteen year old's ball sack after he found his first Hustler.
     No time is wasted to start this. It opens with New York being destroyed as if Roland Emmerich directed a film with Lars Von Trier as the cinematographer. We now find a group of renters in the basement of their building trying not to emulate  the victims of Chernobyl. That is the set up and then the next two hours you will witness their downfall. Groups are formed, minds and fingers are lost and chaos ensues in almost a surrealistic fashion.
     The Divide is beautiful. It looks and sounds like what I would assume a naked beautiful angel  sounds like when she is singing the most beautiful song you have ever heard in the King Diamond falsetto. I found myself hypnotized by the long epic panning shots and then pulled back to reality with a quick punch to the soul.  The storytelling is thin using mostly montages that Stan Busch had nothing to do with to give some view into what is going on inside everyone's head. The effects are mostly subtle but effective with a few stand up and clench your whole body moments.  The acting is pretty top notch with all of the main cast nailing their roles and pulling off the believable yet outlandish characters.
     In the end The Divide will  have you curled up on the floor, crying and wishing for death, but with smile.

4/5

Tromeric

The FP- Trost Bros.

In a world where they use Dance Dance, oh shit they didn't have enough in the budget for that(not complaining) I mean Beat Beat Revelation to govern the streets you know shit is going to get real. The streets of the FP(Frazier Park) are beginning to look like Shit town. Btro one eight sevens when he is having a beat off with L Dubba E and Jtro becomes a bitch. He goes off to be Commando and cut down some trees. KcDc shows up and tells him about how shit has been in the FP. He then goes to meet BLT and sets out to clean up the FP and seek revenge.
     The FP is set in almost a post apocalyptic world and filmed like the best of the eighties action/adventure films. I kept waiting for Jtro and Stacy to go ass sliding. It may not be action from start to finish as there is numerous shots of people sitting around thinking or walking the down the lonely road. That is of course made up for with montages that would make Rocky Balboa throw in his towel.  I am not trying to question the pacing. The opposite actually.  It brings you back to a better time when MTV hadn't ruined everyone's attention span with jump cuts and Snooki.
The cast all play this pitch perfect. In what could be considered a ridiculous world(if you think this you obviously have never seen my drunk ass play DDR) that is quite the feat. They balance the ridiculous with sincerity and never ham it up to much. That is why I believe it works. You get cameos from Tack and that Steve Buscemi looking cop from Idle Hands and James DeBello takes a break from shooting gay squirrels to pack around a boom box and fuck shit up.
     It has been a long time since I have had as much fun in a theater as I did last night watching this. The Trost Bros created a full world of their own. All of the sets and costumes are fantastic, the music is the best since The Taint and they basically created the most comprehensive slang dialogue since A Clockwork Orange. Grab your moon boots, boombox and eye patch and get your ass to the theater to see what I can promise you will be in my top films of 2012.


4/5


Tromeric

     

   

Subspecies, Or How I Spent My Post Oscar Hangover Day

Sunday started with a day full of work as usual. I wanted this day to be over so I could start my yearly Oscar party. Sure the Oscars are outdated and usually wrong but I still have to watch. I don't care that they snub my favorite films. I am glad they do. I love sitting around drinking with friends yelling at the TV. It is probably the closest thing to a sports game I will ever care about. Well the Oscars came and went and by the end I was a bit inebriated. We continued the party listening to music, drinking and dancing. Well I was dancing. It only takes one for a dance party god dammit.  Well it was late and I puked my insides to the outside and passed out. The next morning I woke up feeling less than a hundred percent. I had to do something with myself so I looked around my room and saw my Subspecies box set. I hadn't watched any of them in years. Growing up I always would go for puppets over vampires so I figured it was about time to see what Radu was up to.
Subspecies(1991)- Ted Nicolaou

A couple of American girls show up in Romania to study Romanian culture with a friend. Radu shows up and kills the Tall Man. Radu wants these bitches but his brother is the nice one and loves their feelings. Radu wants their blood. He is cooler. The overall feel of this film is awesome, which is not surprising when you get a guy named Vlad to be your DP. It is Full of great sets and the countryside lends itself to the creepy nature of the film. There are some great effects in this. One moment is when Radu cuts off his fingers and they do a metamorphosis from gross finger to gusher, gusher to coyote dick, coyote dick to some awesome Harryhausen stop motion cyclops looking bastards. There is also a great scene at one the local rituals that is insanely unnerving. The whole town is dressed up and doing a ritualistic dance/parade in what looks like Muppet's costumes if they were designed by the Marques DE Sade. All in all I have nothing but love for the origins of this series.
BloodStone: Subspecies II- Ted Nicolaou

This picks up right after the end of the first one. Michelle tries to escape Radu but he wants to bang her vampire style. She takes the bloodstone and runs. Her sister comes to help but Radu is one persistent bitch. This is probably my favorite of the series. The effects are fucking amped up like Jose Canseco in the ninety's. Some of the highlights are the head reattachment scene which is quickly followed by a blood geyser of awesome. Numerous stabs to the face and all around badassary. The plot is unique and at times turns into a random buddy cop comedy. The cast is awesome and features William Shatner's daughter and the final guy from Friday the 13th part seven.  They go to the coolest most realistic metal club that even has Beavis and Butthead style graffiti including the term "Metal Rules" as well as other super creative phrases.

Bloodlust: Subspecies III- Ted Nicolaou

A direct continuation from two keeps Becky and Michelle running from Radu. All the same characters are back and to me is the least impressive out of the series. Still necessary in its own right and not bad by any means just the slowest of the series. The mummy in this one is pretty awesome I will say. She is trying to keep Radu grounded but he wants nothing to do with it. He says "Fuck you mummy, I will train this bitch." There is some sweet shadow stop motion and a great melting scene where you find out Radu kind of looks like King Diamond when he is on fire. There are plenty of sex and death scenes to keep you happy including one where Radu is fucking some chick Frombee and draining her neck. That alone is worth it.

Vampire Journals- Ted Nicolaou

Not a direct sequel but it does take place in the same universe. Radu is mentioned and Ash ends up in Subspecies four. I really enjoy this one. I feel like I am watching the flashbacks in old episodes of Angel/Buffy or even the more recent Vampire Diaries. Zachary, who is the younger James brother in one of my personal favorite  films Real Killers is a vampire out to severe his bloodline. He has feelings and all that bullshit. He is still kinda badass in this. Well he is on the hunt for Ash who is being an evil weirdo. Their paths cross when Ash get this super hot Pianist(I said pianist you child) in his sights. Zachary wants to protect her because of those stupid feelings. I am not trying to paint this movie as a tweenish bullshit film. It's not. In the first minute of the movie you get nipples and a beheading. I like those numbers. There are plenty of great kills including a exorcist style forced head spin. In the end while not fully a Subspecies film this is a great watch and full of blood and boobs. Two of my favorite B's.

Subspecies 4: Bloodstorm- Ted Nicolaou

The final installment of Subspecies finds Michelle in a hospital after a car crash. The Doctor realizes she is a vampire and tries to help her. He of course also has ulterior motives as he knows of Radu and wants the Bloodstone. Ash also is there and along with his lady friend sets out to fuck up Radu's day.  They get help from the humans to get rid of him. Basically everyone wants to fuck over everyone to get the bloodstone.
A lot of people hate this one. It is by no means perfect but I still had a lot of fun with it. The opening is great and reminded me of Lethal Weapon four or Final Destination five with the montage of clips from all the previous films. The montage is a bit different as it is Enter the Void style with its fast cuts that would most definitely send a epileptic into seizure. Some of the effects are less than perfect but overall they work. This one probably has the most be headings and they are all bad ass. It ties everything up nicely and for a final entry works for me.

    Well that is it for my revisit of the Subspecies series. In the end I was very happy to go back. In a time full of bullshit romantipires it was refreshing to see some Gothic vampires  that actually drink fuck and kill. 

Tromeric

2 Headed Shark Attack- Christopher Ray

Let me start this off by setting the scene for movie night in my house.  We gather the kids, get comfy on the couch and pop in 2 Headed Shark Attack.  It’s family movie night with all the blood and tits that entails.  We have a long tradition of watching all the Asylum movies we can and this one is up at the top of the heap.  You know when your 8 year old son is laughing his ass off because some dude just got ripped in half that the movie is doing something right.

One thing to keep in mind about this movie is that it sucks, but in the greatest way possible.  Anyone who knows me knows I’m a sucker for the genius that goes into making an unabashedly bad movie that works on almost every level.  It just goes to show that if you acknowledge what you’re working with and use it to it’s fullest you can make a fun movie, and that‘s all I can ask for.  There’s no pretense or delusion about what’s been put on the screen and I love the film makers for it.

The movie kicks off with a great kill right off the bat and lets you know what to expect and it never fails to deliver.  The shark effects are actually pretty decent for these low budget creature features, right up there with Sharktopus. Now that doesn’t mean the effects are anything close to good, but do you really want them to be? Personally I prefer the dirt path that somehow changes into smooth plastic when it cracks and the explosions that look like they were rendered on a PS2 and added into the movie with a 10 year old version of photo shop.  It just adds to the fun.

Pretty soon we’re introduced to our cast of usual players.  You have the d-bag bro and his loyal followers, the nerd, the crazy bitch that won’t shut the fuck up, plenty of big titty sluts, sassy black girls, and let’s not forget the tough girl with a chip on her shoulder.  All of them play their parts perfectly and you just can’t wait for them to die in the worst way possible. 

Special mention should be made for Carmen Electra, she really turns in a stirring performance as the most believable doctor I‘ve ever seen.  I also want to take a moment here and thank Asylum for offering an outlet for washed up celebrities to desperately cling to any fleeting bit of fame they can without having to get double teamed by Bret Michaels and Flava Flav on VH1. 

The real star of the show though is Jerry O’Connell’s brother Charlie.  I really believed his pain when he broke his leg and just made the same groaning sound over and over for the entire movie.  Frank Stallone had better watch out.

Soon the students, oh yeah they are on a semester at sea boat, have to abandon the boat and head to a nearby atoll.  Which the titular shark manages to run into hard enough to get it to start sinking.  Let me just say that the science in this movie is tight as shit, but again not really why you’re watching this movie.

Now the real reason you’re even thinking about watching this is for the kills and oh baby are there kills.  I won’t go into too much detail because it’s more fun to just experience them, but have no fear they rule.  Nice and bloody and completely ridiculous.

In closing, watch this movie.  If you have enjoyed any of the recent low budget monster movies this is right up there with Mega Piranha and Sharktopus as one of my favorites. Plus it has what may just be the most romantic onscreen kiss I’ve ever seen.  So really it’s the perfect Valentines Day movie for you and that special someone. 

This movie has tits, blood, and a 2 headed shark. Do you need to hear anything else? Two times the heads, two times the awesome.

3.5/5

Jacob VonKlingle

The Bunny Game- Adam Rehmeier

     We are introduced to "Bunny" right of the bat with a close up of a dick in her mouth.  This isn't a blow job like I watch at night for two minutes to help me fall asleep either. This is dirty, empty and full of despair. We know this right away by her eyes, something I will get into a little later. First a quick rundown minus the Rock of the film that I had to hit the play button on again once it finished. The Bunny Game.
     Bunny is a pro who will suck a cock for some blow. We see this right away as the film opens with blowjob to nose candy. She has some sex, gets paid and does a line. This is the first few minutes. She then is robbed and has a melt down. She gets in a semi with hopes of making some cash where she is kidnapped. She is tortured for the remainder of the film . Don't let this skew your opinion. This is not a run of the mill torture flick, This is just an overly simplified version as I never want to be accused of ruining a film.

      Lets get back to Bunny. She is played by Rodleen Gestic, and not to minimize anyone else involved in the film but I think it's safe to say that without her this would be something completely different. This is possibly the most fearless acting I have ever seen. It should go down in history along the likes of Isabella Rossellini in Blue Velvet or Charlotte Gainsbourg in Anti Christ. There is such a miniscule amount of dialogue in this and yet you feel the torture and the pain she feels. The emotion she gives off with her eyes is unbelievable to me. Sure the things happening to her were far from pleasant and watching them isn't necessarily suppose to be fun but I think if it would of been an actor that didn't own the role as much as her it would of just ended up another shock for the sake of shock, run of the mill made by Lionsgate Saw sequel.
     While the acting is the thing that impressed me the most that is not to say that the rest of the film wasn't given the love that it deserved. Adam Rehmeier directed/edited/shot/scored and co wrote along with Gestic. These are all elements that are obviously important to the outcome and he nailed it like the Romans did. It is shot completely in black and white and edited like the most precise seizure you could imagine. The music  punches you in the gut one minute and buys you flowers the next. When all of these elements are put together it is like the Planeteers summoning Captain Planet.
    The Bunny Game gave me a soul just so it could rip it back out.

     4.5/5

Tromeric

The Theatre Bizarre- Douglas Buck/Buddy Giovinazzo/David Gregory/Karim Hussain/Jeremy Kasten/Tom Savini/Richard Stanley

  Look at that list of directors. Is it possible for my dick to be any harder. I will just list some of the things that these guys are responsible for. Hardware, Dust Devil, Combat Shock, Cutting Moments, Home, Prologue, The Wizard of Gore(remake), Night of the Living Dead(remake), and my personal favorite Subconscious Cruelty. That is just his directing credit. Karim Hussain also was responsible for how beautiful Hobo with a Shotgun looked as he was DP(not donkey punch you sick bastard) on that.  Tom Savini has created effects for some of the best films made in history(Maniac, Friday the 13th, Dawn of the Dead, The Prowler, and on and on and on). Most of these guys also take on other responsibilities such as editor, writer, and cinematographer. The cast is rounded out with all kinds of faces you will recognize. Debbie Rochon, Lynn Lowery, Udo Kier, and even Tom Savini himself.  All of these much different yet all equally amazing men come together and with the help of the one I haven't mentioned yet David Gregory who from what I can tell is the backbone of this put together The Theatre Bizarre.  
     Horror anthologies are not the most common sub genre in the modern age. We saw a lot more of them in the seventies and eighties. Creepshow is probably the most recognizable of the bunch but you of course had the TV shows turned movie anthologies like Tales from the Crypt(I guess that was before the TV show), and Tales from the Dark side as well as a few hits(The Willies) and misses(Campfire Tales) along the way. Recently we received Chllerama which was fun but definitely not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. The closest thing to a perfect anthology film would be Trick r' Treat and that is arguable if it even fits in the sub genre. Well History pulled straight out my ass 101 is over lets get our asses to the theater, and don't forget to turn off your cell phone and shut your fucking mouth or I will sick one of these madman on you.
     I am not going to dissect these one by one as I want you to have as much fun watching things unfold as I did. If I spelled it out for you that would be like if the publisher of Scary Stories to tell in the dark decided to take out all the amazing artwork and replace it with more modern less exciting artwork, wait.......Sorry I can't get that off my mind. Seriously though. I am not here to ruin these so I will just give a quick overview of the film and you can judge my excitement. Things you will see in this movie. Eyeball injections, frog sex, human marionettes, crab vaginas, girls injecting themselves with unborn baby juice and so much more. Each of these entries have so much to offer and that is just the tip of the iceberg.I don't want it to sound like this is a shock film either. It has some obviously, but it also has some insanely beautiful moments. Douglas Buck's being the most notable. His story while being the least horror is the most heart wrenching. You also have everything from Lovecraftian creatures to highbrow cannibalism. 
     Seven directors, seven segments(including the wrap around) and two hours of everything the title promises you.

4/5

Tromeric
  

2 Headed Shark Attack- Christopher Ray

     Anyone who follows my nonsense knows that I am unashamedly obsessed with creature movies of all kinds and the badder the better. I am pretty sure I have some kind of split personality disorder as I love both sides of the spectrum when it comes to film, and I mean that in a severe way. One day I will watch David Lynch, Terence Malick and Luis Bunuel then the next switch to anything with The Asylum, Full Moon or Maneater logo on it. I am a glutton when it comes to film, and booze and drugs and music and well you get the point. Well today I woke up and went on a hunt. I was like Jeffery Dahmer  looking for a little boy. I started in one corner and worked my way through. 2 Headed Shark Attack was nowhere to be found. I wiped the tears from my eyes and gave in and just rented it. I luckily live Portland where I can go to the store where coincidentally the writer works and rent this bad boy. It's not the same. It's like when you call for a hooker from Craigslist and think you are getting the one in the picture and Edith Massey shows up(actually if Edith Massey showed up I would do unspeakable things to her while she talked to me about eggs), it's still sweet but not quite the same. Well I guess it was fate as when I got home with my rented copy in hand I found out I randomly won a copy from The Asylum. Now with all this excitement it was time to put this bad boy in. So what are the results?
     2 headed shark is a no bullshit movie, or an all bullshit movie I guess depending on how you look at it. It starts right of the bat with some dickbag kids getting the shit killed out of them. We then meet a group of students on a boat, said 2 headed shark fucks up their boat so they go to an island. Well it's not really an island but that is besides the point. Gabe Nye can explain the difference to you. I don't give a shit. Sound kind of familiar? Well it is and that is the fucking point.  This is where you decide if you are gonna like this movie. Are you going to argue logic, originality and quality? If so why the fuck are you watching an asylum movie. These guys know what they are doing. They are possibly the smartest filmmakers out there. There is a time for art and there is a time to just have a good time. Do you fall in love with everyone you sleep with? If so you probably fell for that super long joke all those one syllable dudes in sandals wrote and you are probably too busy watching Bibleman with Buddy to watch awesome movies like this anyways.   OK, I am ranting as I am sleep deprived, less then sober and well it's what I do. What I am trying to say is you know by the name and cover if this is something you would be interested. No one is going to pick it up and think it is based off of the work of Francis Bacon.
      I will just get to the point. I loved 2 Headed Shark Attack. I love Shark movies and my math is tight enough to know that two is better than one. Most of the characters are insanely stereotyped, Carmen Electra is a Dr. and the Shark either looks like the Jaws NES game or the Lobster from Multiple Maniacs. I say all of these things in highest regard for everyone involved. This movie is self aware, sure in a different way then something like Scream but more in like an Expendables way. They give you everything you could possibly want in a film about a two headed shark. The kills are all fun as hell and will probably make you spit beer everywhere. My one complaint is that this shark is kind of a prude. One thing I have learned in all my years of creature film watching is that while being evil they still will stop unspeakable acts, for instance crocodiles and alligators always stop rape. They have some built in rape sensor that works better than their eyes. I assume Gabe Nye could explain the science behind this so I will have to get back to you on that, but I promise you it is true. Well what I learned today is that two headed sharks hate threesomes. This also leads me to believe that they are the true dicks of the ocean. You don't interrupt a three way.
   
3/5

Tromeric