My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done- Werner Herzog

So when I heard that David Lynch was producing a movie directed by Werner Herzog I came so hard I shot a load that went back through time and while doing this went through, Martin Luther King Jr, JFK, Abraham Lincoln,  and caused the Roswell Crash.  Mystery solved mother fuckers put down your pipes and your books on conspiracy theory's I just solved some of Americas biggest mysteries.  Sure I may of caused them as well with my monster load of excitement but I think I deserve a prize, open up that cracker jack box bitch. Lets do this. Anyways, back to the point, My Son, My Son is amazing.  It is a crime drama full of a great cast, flamingos, ostrich and the Urubamba River which everyone should know from the classic Fitzcarraldo.  Like I said earlier the cast in this is amazing, Grace Zabriskie is chilling and is so nice that I kept expecting her to pull out a coat hanger to beat Michael Shannon with.  Speaking of Michael Shannon, wow, his insanity is treated absolutely perfectly here which I'm sure was a team effort between him and Herzog. The way he speaks of God(aka oatmeal lord) and the sick and his mother. This guy freaks me the fuck out, Is he the new Klaus Kinski? Well obviously that is impossible but I'm pretty sure he took some inspiration from the crazy man himself, from what I hear there was no guns drawn of fights over snake bites and candy bars but the look on his face brought me in as Klaus used to.  Brad Dourif is hilarious as the hateful ostrich farmer.  Udo Kier has his glasses stolen right out of his pocket by one of those creepy all neck birds and Willem Dafoe is of course amazing as the lead detective uncovering all the back story told through flashbacks from Kier and Sevigny.  As the tag line says, "The Mystery isn't who. But Why."  The directing of course is beautiful and slow and almost as if was set up as still photography, which is not shocking when you have Lynch and Herzog involved.  As we all know from the commentary on Nosferatu, he likes the beauty, he is not Spielberg, there is no explosions something as simple as a river or a basketball can be a thing of beauty.  I can't recommend this enough. It is something very different in a world full of remakes and conventional fast cut MTV editing. If you have been crying for something that doesn't give into the conventions as I have, put your hankie down you fucking pussy and watch this as you have found it.


4.5/5

Tromeric

Frozen- Adam Green

Best ski lift movie since shredder.  Seriously though this movie scared the fuck out of me.  It is one of the most unnerving movies I have ever seen, I was tense the whole time.  Its hard to beleive that Adam Green took a ski lift and was able to pull off a 90 minute movie and have it work.  Its not perfect, there is a couple of times you will definitely  have to use the suspension of disbelief but fuck it, its a horror film. The suspense he is able to produce is downright impressive.  While not nearly as gory as Hatchet this will make you cringe as if you were a 12 year old girl when uncle Chester took you out to the shed.  I cant say to much without ruining anything which I would hate to do so I will just leave you with a very definite check this out.  Green shows he knows how to pull off many things and not just ripping people in half, which dont get me wrong he does well but i would be hard pressed to find someone who didn't think about this every time they take a weekend trip to the pass.


4.5/5

Tromeric

Top 20 of 2008

 Well its time for 2008, the year that Boss Hogg left the white house and we traded him in for a Huxtable. They had to update the Joker action figure with pill popping action and we lost both Vampira and Major Briggs. Aside from all of that it was a surprisingly good year for film, specifically horror films. So now I take you to the top 20 of 2008.

20. The Children- Tom Shankland

These kids is pissed, can't beleive this is the same dude that made that peice of shit The Killing Gene. Wow that movie made me want to suffocate myself with infant innards.

19. Baby Blues- Lars Jacobson/Amardeep Kaleka

Kind of the opposite of the children, this mom is pissed. She doesn't beleive that anything is to late for late term abortion. Smart mom.








18. Return to Sleepaway Camp- Robert Hiltzik

The director of the original returns after passing off parts 2 and 3, people like to complain a lot. This movie was hated because the characters were irritating, and it was just dumb kids getting killed off with a crazy shock ending. So my question is have any of you mother fuckers seen the first 3?

17. Trailer Park of Terror- Steven Goldmann

Based off the Imperium Comic of the same name, I had been a fan of the comic since I read it the first time. Super fun and kinda crazy.  Rockabilly, white trash, sexy lady that hangs out with zombies and shit. I'm sold.


16. Gutterballs- Ryan Nicholson


A nice throwback to the 80's gore fest. Over the top(no arm wrestling though) gore and nudity, you basically hate everyone so its fun to watch them get their balls ripped off in a bowling alley.

15. Bad Biology- Frank Henenlotter

Frank returns after a long hiatus and somewhere along the way he met up with a buch of indy hip hop kids. R.A. The Rugged Man co wrote it, Vinnie Paz and Reef the Lost Cause have Cameos and there is a Atmosphere song in it. Henenlotter is not the first guy I would of guessed would of teamed up with these guys. I love that he did though, while not a perfect film i can't help but love all the crazy body mutation shit he pulls off. If you are a fan of the sick and twisted check this shit, its better than two bitches in a bitch boat.

14. Embodiment of Evil- José Mojica Marins

Coffin Joe is back making bitches eat their own asses. This guy knows how to party.

13. Machine Girl- Noboru Iguchi

This movie almost made my friend loose his chicken adobo allover my couch, super fun and insane gore. I love Japan.

12. Tokyo Gore Police- Yoshihiro Nishimura

Another one from the east. I love Japan so much, get an umbrella and enjoy this gore fest.





11. Birdemic: Shock andTerror-James Nguyen

Wow, this movie sucks so good I can't even explain it, Gif birds cause some ruckus and there is some romance.

10. Repo! the Genetic Opera- Darren Lynn Bouseman

I should hate this, but I don't. Super entertaining and Paris Hilton is so hot with her sliced up face. Giles is a bad ass and Chop Top is fucking amazing.

9. The Midnight Meat Train- Ryûhei Kitamura

So good, a Kitamura and Barker, Maybe best team up since Hall and Oats.

8. Pig Hunt- James Issac


From the Director of Jason X and Skinwalkers. Don't let that influence you. This movie is so bad ass. I saw this at Crypticon like 2 years ago and was so fucking stoked, and thank dead jesus it is finally coming out thanks to Fango's new DVD label.

7. Dance of the Dead- Gregg Bishop

Sixteen Candles meets Return of the living Dead. Zombie jump run out of the graves and there is a Andrew W. K. Song. That adds up to badassery.

6. Deadgirl- Marcel Sarmiento/Gadi Harel

So fucking good.

5. Pontypool- Bruce McDonald


Shut the fuck up!!!! WTF?

4. Surveillance- Jennifer Lynch


So long between Boxing Helena and this and it shows, such a good what the eff movie.  Weird cast pulls it off exceptionally well.

3. Martyrs- Pascal Laugier

The French know how to kick your ass when it comes to film. If only they didn't feed their children wine and cigarettes all the time. Oh well. The best skinning since Hellraiser.

2. Let the right one in- Tomas Alfredson

Fucking beautiful and amazing and subtly brutal. If you haven't seen this take the butt plug out and see it before Matt Reeves destroys it.

1. Trick r Treat- Michael Doughetry

 Hands down one of the best horror films in years. Dylan Baker takes a brake from teaching his son how to play with his gooch to fuck some shit up. This is the movie you will watch every Halloween and plenty of times in between.










Well 2008 narrowed down to 20 films, 2007 up soon
 for a different take check out 365 horror movie's list.
Tromeric

Top 10 of 2009

So I have always wanted to do a best of for every year, I have done them here and there but thanks to http://www.365horrormovie.com/  I have been inspired, I spent about 15 hours straight narrowing down and figuring out what came out in what year.  I will be posting them for the next few weeks until I get to 1970, I tried to go all the way back to 1960 but I will admit I am not full of knowledge when it comes to a lot of the 60's horror, I came up with a few for each year but not enough to make it worth it. I of course love the classics like Psycho, Night of the Living Dead, Blood Feast, Blood and Black Lace, 2000 Maniacs, The birds, 13 Ghosts and a few here and there but anyways, I also found the most of the 90's were not easy for me, probably my least favorite decade for horror over all, a couple good years and   some amazing movies but overall kinda mungtastic.  Most of these lists will be top 10 but a few years just had way to much good stuff so I went for anywhere from 15 to 25. Well after all my blah blah here is the first which was the year that the manliest golden girl bought the farm, 1000s of kids rejoiced for their safety while at a ranch and David Carradene blew his last load while reenacting An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge.  Enjoy 2009.

10. Drag me to hell- Sam Raimi
He is back, at least as close as we will ever get. Sam Raimi shows us a bloody good time with this 3 stooges meets thinner party.








9. Feast 3: The Happy Finish- John Gulager
The last in the feast trilogy. I don't care what anyone says all 3 feast are fun as fuck. Fun fuck even. One of the best endings ever.

8. Grace- Paul Solet

Kind of like It's Alive for Art Fags.

7. Laid to Rest- Robert Hall

A true 80's slasher, kind of shitty but the gore is unfuckingbelievable.

6. Zombieland- Ruben Fleischer

One of the greatest openings ever, and quite possibly the best cameo since the Sponge Bob movie.

5. The Human Centipede( First Sequence)- Tom Six

I guess you do go ass to mouth sometimes. 



4. Thirst- Chan Wook- Park


This preist knows how to party

3. Smash Cut- Lee Demabre

A nice throw back to the HG Lewis days of gore films, great cast and Sasha Grey.







2. House of the Devil- Ti West

Badassary.

1. Antichrist- Lars Von Trier


This movie will rape your face off.








Well there you have it, not a bad year. Up soon is 2008.
 for a different look check out 365horrormovie's list for 2009

Tromeric

Piranha -Alex Aja

Holy shit this movie is so much fun. I don't give a fuck about plot, I don't give a shit about much I just had more fun than B.T.K. had that time he took Helen Keller to the rope show. Starts off with with Matt Hooper(yes that Matt Hooper) singing some songs and catching some fish.  Then Precious takes a huge step and opens up the core of the lake and lets loose some bad ass fish.  From here on out it is 90 minutes of amazing killing and titties.  So many douchnozzles get the fuck eaten out of them by stupid looking fish.  Jerry O Connell gives the performance of a life time, it may be right up there with Joe's Apartment. I don't even know what I can say.  If your not a pussy you will love this movie. It is just fun, so fucking bloody and brooooooooootal and hot.  Hot naked woman swimming,  Doc Brown is there to explain what caused this, Eli Roth gets Sleepaway Camped.  The massacre scene will make Nan King look like a Rainbow Bright cartoon.  I don't want to ruin anything but dick burp. Wow, What the fuck? go watch this. Titties and blood for 90 minutes, did I mention they fly at your face? They do. Piranha 3D came all over my face and I loved it.  I rubbed that shit all over my sweet titties and let it lick it off, and it loved it cuz its a dirty whore.

4/5

Tromeric

The Art of Dying- Sadistik/Kid called Computer

 So I'm going to do something a little different and review a CD. 

The Art of Dying will tear your soul apart, I mean that in the best of ways, think of Pinhead, he is indeed bad ass and if I wanted to have someone pull my soul apart I would vote for someone like Pinhead to do it, anyways if you want someone with a little less nails and chains and vinyl may I suggest the recently released Art of Dying Ep.  This is not a "Horrorcore" album, there is no talk of eating baby's like you would hear on Mr Hung's album, no clever mock ups of Doors or Twisted Sister Songs like you may hear one Necro's album,  And thank the dead Christ no talk of Miracles like you may hear on the New ICP album.   He does not wear Strappy pants, there is no meth involved in his songwriting, and I would jump to the conclusion he knows how a fucking magnet works.  I would put this album in the horror genre for the simple fact that it goes inside of you and eats it's way out from the inside. They do say that Man is the warmest place to hide.  It is beautiful and painful at the same time.  IE A Serbian Film, Inside, Martyrs, Subconscious Cruelty. It is the equivalent of those films for me, it makes gutting a baby over its moms naked body beautiful, it makes torture and pain something you want to embrace,  it has you hoping that you can have a C-section with a pair of scissors, it makes death seem like a reasonable thing to live for.  At only 33 minutes this album packs more punches than Chris Benoit at a family reunion. This is the album of the year, no matter what kind of music your into, check this shit out, you will not regret it. They have created something that fans of anything from Sigur Ros to Burzum can appreciate. 


Sadistik's Homepage.


5/5

Tromeric

Burning Bright- Carlos Brooks

So a cute girl and a sped(oh sorry I beleive the PC term is tardburger) get locked in a house during a hurricane by their asshole step dad. Oh did I mention they are being stalked by one pissed off tiger?  This is the basic premise of Burning Bright.  No this is not a joke, it also isn't a made for Syfy movie. What it is is way better than it deserves to be.  Its like a decent slasher movie but you replace Michael Myers with Sigfried and Roy's arch nemisis.  It starts off with assdad meeting Meatloaf for a sketchy transaction to buy an evil tiger, then the daughter is trying to enroll her tard brother in some home, he's not like Corky tard, he is the I'll remember the whole dictionary and make sure you spread that peanut butter to the right and not to the left kind of dooode.  She feels bad cuz her mom offed herself and she doesn't want to abandon her little USB drive.  She wants to go to college though and she has some great plans to learn how to answer a phone or some shit.  I don't know why she doesn't just buy a stack of phone books and put him in a cage, he will keep himself busy.  Anyways here asshole step dad found her bank account and was able to clear it so she cant afford the school for abandoning her bro. Turns out he spent that money to buy said pissed off tiger.  Now he needs more money so he boards up all the windows and doors and lets loose the beast to kill off these pesky kids so he can get the insurance money. This is where I get confused, after all of this insanity and the fucking fact that this is a home invasion movie staring a tiger as the big bad Krug and this all takes place during a hurricane because the best way a dude could think of killing off a couple of kids was to set up a Rube Goldberg trap that P.T. Barnum would be jealous of.  With all of this said it is entertaining, full of suspense and looks amazing, they did not use any CGI that I could tell, its always a real tiger. I don't think you can properly describe this as it sounds insane and it is just something that needs to be seen to be believed.  So go watch it, Jesus fucking Christ why are you still reading this bullshit, go to the store and hook that shit up.











3.5/5



Tromeric

Centurion- Neil Marshall

Neil Marshall is a weird mother fucker.  From Werewolves to caves to the apocalypse to this. I personally have enjoyed all of his films for different reasons but so far so good. Now on to Centurion.  The epic movie has been attacked many times and while occasionally it works for me its few and far between. It just seems like most of the time  spend the first three fourths of the film watching these people wander around or ride their horses and maybe something cool might happen, maybe they will just walk around for ten hours to get to a lake.  Not this one, within fifteen minutes bitches were getting their heads ripped, slammed, speared, smashed and cut to shit.  It was like Braveheart with less Jew bashing. This is an hour and a half of badassary. How can you not love the Romans, they fought the most epic battle ever when they put that carpenter on that cross and created that Nausea record cover.  Its like watching a porno where the guy cums 182 times in one film.  The story here is basic but interesting, I wont go into it as it is not important. I don't mean that it isn't well written because it is, I mean you already know if you want to watch it so I'm not gonna waste your time. I don't have to much to say on this, Its a lot of fun, its interesting, its well done, its violent as fuck and its Neil Marshall. Do you need much more than that.


3.5/5

Tromeric

The Blob- Chuck Russell

 Chuck Russel took a break from the best Nightmare movie that Dokken is in while he was waiting to make the bad ass Eraser staring everyone's favorite Governor that was in Predator(oh wait that doesn't single anyone out does it).


So poor mans Matt Dillon, AKA Johnny Drama, AKA boy who hung out in his dads ball sack longer than Matt so he didn't get a the role in Outsiders but was still bad ass in some other shit is a bad ass. He spends his days pretending he is Evil Knievel and pissing off the local cops. Then the douchy jock takes that bitch from Becker( I think she was in those shitty Saw films also) out to get him some. He is driving her around looking for some shit when the crazy homeless dude runs out and hits the car and rolls off it like a little bitch. The dudes dude it up and take homeless buddy to the hospital where Eraserhead himself takes time off from being in the Suicidal Tendencies video to check the homeless dude out even though he doesn't have blue cross.  This is when all hell breaks loose. What was just a little bit of pink spooge looking shit on the poor mans arm is now a huge ball of goo. It looks like a huge chunk of gak. I want to stick my hand in it to make fart noises but from the looks of that dudes hand that's a bad idea.  All ramblings aside The blob is super bad ass. Sure it is a remake which these days tend to piss me the fuck off but this is one done right. The original blob is a fun 50's movie but once the 80s rolled around they realized they could use the technology from You Can't do that on Television and make one bad ass slimy body melting gooey fun fucking movie, that's what they did.  This incarnation of The Blob is a fucking blast the slimy gooey fun of it and the feel and the nostalgia, its damn near perfect and I think it is one of the most overlooked films of the 80's. With that being said I would like to touch on the rumors that Rob Zombie is re re making this. Don't do it sir. The Devils Rejects is a modern masterpiece and although the Halloween remakes were kinda shite I looked the other way cuz I love your white trash rants and you get great actors, but seriously do something original. Make The Nail or Bigfoot, just not a rehash of a rehash. Fuck. Anyways no that I have went off on a drunken rant I will stop but seriously get a bag of popcorn hook up your VCR to your shitty TV you have in the basement and turn off all the lights and sit back and enjoy one of the movies that made the 80s what they were. 



4/5

Tromeric

Versatile Blogger Award

So Micah over at 365horrormovie  passed on the Versatile Blogger Award this way. So thank you for that good sir, there are a few rules around receiving an award. First, thank the person that gave it to you(done). Then, list 7 interesting things about yourself(I could go on for days), and finally, pass the award on to 15 other worthy blogs and let them know you awarded them(don't think I read 15 but I will do my best).





1. When I was a wee little Shit I tried to dig to hell as I had heard it was down and thought it sounded like a bad ass place. My grandma returned home and found her garden tore to shit and me in the hole already deep enough to bury a body(I'm thinking she considered that as a possibility). Who would of thought all these years later I would still be digging my way to hell(in a less literal sense).


2. Back in the days before everything was on DVD I spent $230 on an Eraserhead VHS.


3. Although I spend much of my time seeking out the most twisted and fucked up films available, I,  like Sears have a softer side and have a weird obsession with talking animal movies. Homeward Bound is one of my most watched movies ever(right next to Lost Highway)

4. Of all of the movie marathons I have done in the years the most painful were the Saw marathon(I don't enjoy these films at all)and the Children of the Corn one(10 fucking movies). Someday I would like to attempt a Witchcraft marathon.

 5. I co-owned a video store named Videodrome in the butthole of Washington also known as Yakima.

 6. Michael Horse(Hawk from Twin Peaks) told me the most random story about a pissed off beaver I have ever heard.  It was the Travis Bickle of beavers from what I hear.

7. I once jumped off a 40 foot bridge into 2 feet of water(guess I should of checked that first)it hurt.

and now I will leave you with a small list of bad ass blogs from the verse.


The Inferno Music Vault- Probably the best of the Soundtrack Blogs out there. 

The Manchester Morgue- Lots of great soundtracks as well as plenty of randomness to keep you entertained.

Toys can't hurt you- Amazing custom Action Figures. He made one based off a Municipal waste song for Christs sake.


Mondo Holocausto- Great reviews, has been inactive for about a year but I'm still hoping it comes back.


Well nowhere near 15 but oh well of Course 365horrormovie would be on here but I'm guessing since he gave it to me I am not suppose to give it back. Anyways thanks for reading and check out these blogs motherfucks.



Tromeric

A Serbian Film- Srdjan Spasojevic

PILF"S. I thought my sick group of friends were the only people even capable of thinking of something so sick.  I was terribly wrong and I'm not going to explain to you what that is because I think you can go to jail for just talking about it. Now to the review. I will start with saying I am not really gonna explain this film at all, I could try and maybe even succeed but to be blunt. I don't want to. If you are up to watching this it is best to go in with no knowledge of what is about to happen. And if you have any sense of humanity or morals left(boring) you probably don't wanna commit to this anyways. For the first time ever I have seen a movie that I wouldn't necessarily recommend to everyone. See I am kind of a sick fuck and while certain  movies have shocked me or grossed me out or made me feel like shit, I still like to see peoples reactions and know that I helped ruin there day just a little bit. Its all in good fun but I still enjoy it, weather its Nekromantik or Subconscious Cruelty or Salo I love being shocked and love to pass it on. Its like Pay it Forward only not gay. Anyways A Serbian Film is so fucked up I cant even begin to explain it. I'm in shock, I felt nauseated which happens about as often as the second coming of Christ(that's never by the way). This movie is not for everyone, hell it probably shouldn't be for anyone but if you are strong willed enough to watch it and can make it though it without slicing your eyeball out I say go for it. Within the brutal sick twisted and insane hour and a half of celluloid lies an interesting, honest, insanely well acted and directed piece of might I say genius. I don't know if I can go quite that far. You are in the hands of a madman, its not even really hidden. There will be plenty of arguments about this, many will see it just as sleaze and exploitation while some will go the complete opposite and call it the next Picasso. I'm not comfortable to go with either. I think there is a little of both and I am OK with that.  While many films in the last century have pushed the envelope on many different levels A Serbian Film rapes the envelope, not just rapes but rapes it for nine minutes frombe in a tunnel. For all the times I have heard things such as "keep repeating, its only a movie" or "nothing so appalling in the annals of horror" or "the one that goes all the way" this is the first time I left a viewing where it went farther then I expected or was warned of. While not a perfect film this has definitely  carved out a place in history and is sure to spark debates and arguments for years to come and for that along with the fact that it made me gag as if I was on the set of Garbage Pail Girls I have to get behind this film.(no homo)

4.5/5

Tromeric

Predators- Nimród Antal

Rickity the Field Mouse, Eric Forman, Razor Charlie, Angélica, and Jimmy Jump wake up after drinking some mountain dew.  After exploring for a bit they come to the conclusion that they may not be in Kansas anymore. That's just the first couple minutes, after this

badassary ensues. Fuck the Rush Hour sequels AKA the Alien vs Predator movies. Bullshit ass shit I say. Predators have not been bad ass since the Glove took em on back in the day in Los Angeles. This is by no means a masterpiece, its slightly predictable, and pretty basic story wise. Who gives a fuck, its two hours of ass kicking, spine ripping, beheading, and killing the fuck out of predators and humans alike. This movie is more fun than putting Christopher Reeve at the bottom of the stairs and setting his lazy chair at the top. Akira Kurosawa guest directs a scene and it is fucking amazing. Ok that may be a lie, but I still think his ghost was involved somehow.  There is a few homages to the original which are awesome but not recockulous. The music is great not as great as the wonderful Alan Silvestri score but still very fitting and definitely  inspired by the original.  Evan is making me ramble, if you need more than this to go out and see this you may be nothing more than a slack jawed faggot, make the time, see I don't have time to bleed but I do have time to see this and you should to, get to the chopper and thank that fairy tale in the sky that there is finally another Predator movie you can get behind.

3.5/5

Tromeric

Five Across the Eyes -Greg Swinson/RyanThiessen

Another guest review from Jimmy Caution this time, check out is label Amputape for some badass tapes and zines and whatnot.

Okay so this is supposed to be a real time film shot on a really shitty DV camera about some girls going to or coming back from some sporting event or something. Since the film is in “Real Time” so is this review. The camera work is an abhorrent attempt at “Cinematography”.  Everything looks out of focus and blurry (or maybe that’s my fault?) They just keep fucking with the camera while the five shitty actor girls vomit their useless dialogue.  The ladies decide to deviate from the main road their friends are on and take some side road “Just to see where it goes.” Are you fucking serious?! Oh and big fuckin surprise their cell phones stop working. They all have shitty coverage apparently. Hmm, there’s a bunch of words shrieking through my TV, I think it’s supposed to be dramatic.  Oh shit! One of them is a Christ-y and started praying!!! Wow. Oh yeah, I forgot to mentionthere’s someone following them. She looks like a pissed off soccer mom with a shotgun. It would be just fine if she blew their heads off right now. These chicks are super annoying and I can’t wait for them to be killed.  Shotgun Soccer Mom orders the girls to strip and threatens to shove her shotgun up this chicks ass and blow it through her mouth? Sounds sexy.Now she makes one of them piss herself ala The Last House on the Left but completely unmoving/boring like the shitty remawas. Oh SSM just left, sorry, I was checking my email.

Anyway, um the girls are crying and giving topless hugs to each other now and even that is boring. So far the most interesting thing was a moth or something that was flying around the cars dome light for a minute. It bailed pretty quickly. Much like I would like to do right now if it wasn’t for the fact that I promised Tromeric I would send him something for the Grog. These girls are reaaaally stupid.After the SSM leaves they follow the same fucking directionas her to escape?  Of course SSM starts after them again. Are you sick of reading this yet? I would be. Did anyone see that Korean film The Chaser? That was very well made, very suspenseful. Naboer is excellent as well, the director understands how to tell a story and keep it interesting (hint hint). HAHA one of the girls shit in her hand and threw it on the SSM’s window.  Oh now a sneeze puke. Is this why the DVD cover says attention grabbing crap like “Brutal” and “A film that demands to be seen!”?  Can you feel how much I am hating this? I could be making a turkey drawing with my hand or reading the bible, or some other pointless activity and it would be better than this. Have you seen how fucked up Roger Ebert looks now? What the fuck happened to him? He uses a Hawking style computer voice to speak and has this insane perma-smile on his face. I should be watching video of that right now.

I kind of admire the lack of any sort of score or soundtrack in this. Yet I feel like if there was something to drown out all of the screaming I could enjoy it better. I’m the one who keeps screaming by the way. Fuck these athletic girls are strong and smart. They try to hide the car and can barely push it a couple of feet and then toss a few branches on the windshield to hide it. Kind of like when you were a little kid and thought if you couldn’t see someone when you were hiding they couldn’t see you. FUUUUUUCK there’s another hour of this left. Wait there’s only one girl in the car now? I’m sure the massive flashlight she is using to escape won’t draw the SSM’s attention at all. I’ve seen better movies from Brain Damage. There’s some Evanescence kinda song playing and a bunch of the girls are back now? I’m confused and insulted by this. The special effects are so shoddy. This girl is supposed to have blood all over her mouth but she just looks like Spaget from Tim & Eric. She had a screwdriver stuck up her vag, I guess that’s “Shocking”. The girl that’s driving gets glass from the windshield stuck into her eyes but is looking at the blood on her hands and freaking out? Hmm, she is also able to drive and see again after wiping her eyes on her friends’ sleeve?Best line of the movie “If she kills you you’re dead!” Seriously someone took time to write that. Man, fuck this movie. One of the quotes on the DVD sleeve is from  SlasherPool.com saying this is “Brilliant, demented, and disturbing…One of the best horror movies ever!” The person that said that either got paid to do it or has never seen a horror film before.  This lacks any real intensity, emotion, or believability. With what the Directors were trying to accomplish with the “You’re there in the action” style it all fails miserably to achieve any semblance of reality. This is crap. I’m even going easy on it, I could say a lot worse with more detail but why fucking bother. And to the Directors:when you Google yourself and end up reading this review of your fucking horrible movie, just remember that I paid for it. I spent money on this. Your movie was crap and there were two of you working on it! Didn’t one of you at least say to the other at some point “You know um, this doesn’t really make sense and is pretty horrible.”? Fucking hell! Better luck next time guys. How you got such hyperbolic quotes from some semi-respectable film sites blows my mind. That is the only thing shocking and terrifying about FIVE ACROSS THE EYES.    

 .01/5

 -Jimmy Caution

Blood on the Highway- Barak Epstein/Blair Rowan

So I went into this with very low expectations, I sift through a lot of shit and its safe to assume most of it is gonna suck Jesus balls.  So like many other days I grabbed my drank put in the disc and expected to be bored and downing my half gallon of Evan Williams to survive. Within minutes i heard lines such as "I'm gonna kick your balls right out your twat boy" and " not even vomit could tarnish that sweet ass."  With these great lines, dumb ass characters and massive amounts of gore within the first few minutes I was willing to give this cheese fest a shot.  The lines continued to crack my shit up, at first I was writing them all down but within ten minutes I realized that I didn't have the patience as they were as common as a 10 year old's smegma on the popes shaft.  This movie is by no means perfect or even close, it is however a fun ride full of blood, vampires, Nicholas Brendon, horror punk, Tom Towels, hillbillies, Attempted Bro Rape, and some of the most offensive hilarious dialogue this side of a Giuseppe Andrews film. Think Sundown date rapes Dead and Breakfast and 2000 Maniacs shows up and aborts the baby they made.  If you want quality cinema I wouldn't necessarily recommend this but if you wanna get fucked up and do fucked up things grab this disc take a few shots and have some mother fucking fun.

3.5/5

Tromeric

Top 20 horror scores

 So we all know music makes a huge difference in how a film turns out. There is a classic story about people seeing Halloween before it was scored and thinking it was bullshit. We all know now that movie scares the fuck out me, still and Ive seen it well into the hundreds of times.  This list was not easy to compile, I am a huge fan of both music and film and spend alot of time listening to film scores. I left a lot out, these are the 20 I never get sick of, most are old. A few new. I can tell they wont get old and they do multiply the movie times a million. I did leave Ernest Scared Stupid off, and thats one of the hardest things I have ever done. It would be like 21. Anyways enough rambling. Top 20 horror scores bitches.

20. Zombieland- David Sardy- This is one of the few new films on the list. This movie is not perfect, it is however a fuckton of fun. Regardless of how you feel about the movie David Sardy creates so much atmosphere with his simple yet effective score. Its like Slug up in the mutha fucka. I put this in and  just become happy, and the next time I am sad, it manages to bring up pretty much every emotion possible in the same score. That's impressive in my book. Its like turning a preist on with a vagina. Not an easy task yet it seems so simple.
 


19. The Exorcist- Mike Oldfield- Do I really need to say anything about this, its  a classic, I hear it and I think of a girl banging herself with a crucifix, that's a plus in my book.
 

18. The Omen- Jerry Goldsmith- This song is so eerie, Fantomas did a version on their Directors cut alub and it was so kick ass I wanted to kick a baby in its soft spot, repeatedly.
 


 17. Predator- Alan Silvestri- So when I hear this I do bad things, I will be just sitting there relaxing with a drink and all of a sudden I hear da da da da da duh. Next thing I know I'm at the top of the stairs Predator crawling down(by that I usually mean falling or rolling down in  an attempt to crawl.





16. The Thing- Ennio Morricone- This guy is a fucking genius and this score is one of his best and that is saying something. So fucking creepy. Man is the warmest place to hide.

15. Psycho- Bernard Hearmann- I feel like a lot of these I dont need to explain, but I'm drunk so I will anyways. You here this and you know right away. Don't stay in a hotel, dont get to close to your mom and dont take a shower. I guess hippies must watch Psycho.


14. Hellraiser- Chistopher Young- Not Clive Barkers first choice but still effective. I want to stick pins in my dickhole when I hear this. Is that weird?


 13. Trick r Treat- Douglas Pipes- Not to be confused with the sweet Rocksploitation film from the 80's about Sammi Curr, this movie took way to long to come out as it was one of the best horror films in years. Douglas Pipes creates a thick terrifying yet fun atmosphere for this song and is a must own for any fan of great film scores.

12. Puppet Master- Richard Band- Watching the Puppet Master films is still one of my fondest memories from growing up, and within one note of Richard Bands wonderful score I feel like I am a kid again.


11. Gremlins- Jerry Goldsmith- Another classic, Jerry Goldsmith is definitely one of the masters. I listen to this and am scared to feed anything after midnight. Its weird.



10. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer- Steven A. Jones- This makes me wanna take a shower, in blood, but still a shower. The music captures the bleakness of the film so well.


 
9. Hardware- Simon Boswell - A truly underated film with such a uneasy score.




8. I Stand Alone- Thierry Durbet- Gasper Noe is a sick fuck. This movie makes me feel like the worst person ever. I love it.





7. Suspiria- Goblin-Goblin are the shiznit, Suspira is so fucking good it gives me penis Tourette's.




6. Nekromantik- Daktari Lorenz- Corpse fucking has never quite been this beautiful. Wow.




5. House of the Devil- Jeff Grace- Another newbie but god damn is it an eerie score. Not to mention one of the best films of last year.


4. Tenebre- Goblin- Goblin wins again. This makes me wanna dance. Dance after I strangle a helpless victim while wearing awesome gloves.


3. Phantasm- Fred Myrow/Malcolm Seagrave- So fucking creepy and amazing and beautiful and awesome and bad ass and scary and killer, I could go on all day. They played this on the piano in an episode of Boy meets World and it shows up in a hip hop song as a sample. Booooooooooooooooooyyy!!!

2. Cannibal Holocaust- Riz Ortolini- Seeing some of the most fucked up imagery while listening to one of the most beautiful songs is very confusing. Its like getting raped on a Sealy Posturepedic bed.
 

And for number one we have a tie, one old one in the last ten years.

1. Bubba Ho-Tep- Bryan Tyler- Don't even have anything clever to say. This score makes me so happy, this movie is a masterpiece and makes my shit rock hard brah.


1. Halloween- John Carpenter- If  I have to say anything you have no business reading this list.



Tromeric