My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done- Werner Herzog

So when I heard that David Lynch was producing a movie directed by Werner Herzog I came so hard I shot a load that went back through time and while doing this went through, Martin Luther King Jr, JFK, Abraham Lincoln,  and caused the Roswell Crash.  Mystery solved mother fuckers put down your pipes and your books on conspiracy theory's I just solved some of Americas biggest mysteries.  Sure I may of caused them as well with my monster load of excitement but I think I deserve a prize, open up that cracker jack box bitch. Lets do this. Anyways, back to the point, My Son, My Son is amazing.  It is a crime drama full of a great cast, flamingos, ostrich and the Urubamba River which everyone should know from the classic Fitzcarraldo.  Like I said earlier the cast in this is amazing, Grace Zabriskie is chilling and is so nice that I kept expecting her to pull out a coat hanger to beat Michael Shannon with.  Speaking of Michael Shannon, wow, his insanity is treated absolutely perfectly here which I'm sure was a team effort between him and Herzog. The way he speaks of God(aka oatmeal lord) and the sick and his mother. This guy freaks me the fuck out, Is he the new Klaus Kinski? Well obviously that is impossible but I'm pretty sure he took some inspiration from the crazy man himself, from what I hear there was no guns drawn of fights over snake bites and candy bars but the look on his face brought me in as Klaus used to.  Brad Dourif is hilarious as the hateful ostrich farmer.  Udo Kier has his glasses stolen right out of his pocket by one of those creepy all neck birds and Willem Dafoe is of course amazing as the lead detective uncovering all the back story told through flashbacks from Kier and Sevigny.  As the tag line says, "The Mystery isn't who. But Why."  The directing of course is beautiful and slow and almost as if was set up as still photography, which is not shocking when you have Lynch and Herzog involved.  As we all know from the commentary on Nosferatu, he likes the beauty, he is not Spielberg, there is no explosions something as simple as a river or a basketball can be a thing of beauty.  I can't recommend this enough. It is something very different in a world full of remakes and conventional fast cut MTV editing. If you have been crying for something that doesn't give into the conventions as I have, put your hankie down you fucking pussy and watch this as you have found it.


4.5/5

Tromeric

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me- David Lynch

David Lynch created a TV show with Mark Frost in the 90's, it is in fact the best TV show ever made(aside from that bullshit Evelyn story). Long story short ABC are a bunch of fucktards and thanks to the bullshit it kinda went down hill and got canceled only 29 episodes after it started. Skip ahead a bit and Lynch decides to make a prequel. So now that I have fleshed out the back story lets get this motherfucker moving.  The first 45 minutes or so doesn't even take place in Twin Peaks but who gives a fuck its amazing, Chris Isaac, Harry Dean Stanton, David Bowie, and Keifer Sutherland are a few among many of an excellent supporting cast for the opener. Right from the moment this movie starts you know its going to be nothing like the TV show, Lynch starts it off by hammer smash facing the TV set as the opening credits finish up.  This movie has it all, at points its laugh out loud funny with the sheriff of Deer Meadow talking about phones and bending steel, to Chris Isaac making good ole Jack Bauer spill coffee all over his dick sack. Don't you dare ask Irene about Hap's specials, cuz god damn it they don't have none.  After we leave Deer Meadow we take a quick stop to hang out with some agents in Philly, unfortunately Charlie and Dea and the gang aren't there but its OK, David Bowie and Kyle McLaughlin take care of bizness. Finally we are in Twin peaks and its worth the wait. This is the last 7 days of Laura Palmer s life. Don't be a dick bag if you haven't seen the show don't watch this, the best part of the show is figuring out who killed her ergo if you watch her get killed you kinda know, and if you don't you are a fuck nugget and should get back to your Steven Spielberg movies. Anyways this movie will punch the baby right out of your stomach, even if you don't have a baby it will make one just so it can abort it. Sheryl Lee should of gotten many Oscars for this. She is so fucking unbelievable in this. Everything about this is perfect, I could go on all day but I wont cuz Mr Jimador is telling me its bedtime. All I have to say is if you have not seen this what the fuck is your problem? Take that butt plug out and drive your ass to the store(or get on amazon if you a lazy mutha fucka) and start watching this and watch it again and again and again.


5/5

Tromeric

Basement Jack- Michael Shelton

Decent Low Budget Slasher/Killer fare. Lynn Lowery who used to be one of the hottest woman in the world, well let just say while I would of fucked her while there were weird sex slugs crawling around her, now that she is just a crazy old mom who uses her son to recreate the Struck by lightning scene from Great Outdoors I...aah fuck it I would still fuck her, I would just show everyone the publicity shots from Shivers. Anyways back to the film in question, and the question is why did I somewhat enjoy this? The effects were bad, Knife threw head was done in photo shop I think. They have Tiffany Sheppis in this as a cop, not a sexy stripper cop but a wearing way to many bulky clothes cop. That's like putting Brinke Stevens in a Nun roll, and not the sweet kind that gets her pussy eaten by her disciplined schoolgirl students. Michele Morrow is pretty much fully clothed all the time, that is a sin. Michele Morrow and Basement Jack have a Matrix style bullet time fight. Yet with all these things, i suggest watching this, man I am fucked up.


1.5/5

Eric

Trick 'r Treat- Michael Dougherty

Its like watching your first horror movie, or going to your first haunted house, or reading your first EC Comic, or reading your first Edgar Allan Poe story. Its a feeling that can rarly be recreated but when it happens its bliss. Trick r Treat is the perfect horror film, it may not be the best but it is scary, funny, clever, mysterious, interesting, shocking, twisted and fun. This will be a Halloween tradition for everyone while not being limited to that. After watching it I feel like a preist in a daycare.


5/5

Eric

The Burbs- Joe Dante

WALTER!!!!! Bruce Dern is a bad ass…. one of Tom Hanks only good film’s, aside from Mazes and Monsters of course. Malaki has a hot girlfriend, Cory Feldman knows how to party…Princess Laya wants to go to the cabin but Hanks aint havin it…he would rather smoke cigars, drink beer and spy on the crazy neighbors. Who wouldn’t? What’s the best thing that can happen at the cabin? You get molested…oooohhh fun… Joe Dante is still in his prime at this point with the perfect blend of humor and creepy…good thing he did the loony toons movie…that helped his career.

4/5

Tromeric