Embodiment of Evil- José Mojica Marins

Holy Shit Coffin Joe is back, Howard Hughes Nails and all. For taking place so long after the last Coffin Joe Film which I believe was like 1967 or some shit it does a good job keeping the tone of the old ones. It does however go way above and beyond in the gore and sex, while for the 60s it pushed the envelope he obviously had to step it up being 2009. Step it up he did, the amount of mind blowing beautiful visuals in this are well mind blowing. Naked woman being cut out of pig fetuses, so many scenes of blood running down naked woman's body's, and the way the blood skips over the nipples, its like a blood waterfall of awesome. Coffin Joe with tarantulas crawling all over his crazy old ass, snakes and spiders climbing out of ripped up body's, a girl eats her own ass meat and seem to enjoy it, its like a Brazilian ROM COM without Hugh Grant. All you need to know is this movie is fucking beautiful and its nice to see Coffin Joe return to his roots, get the fuck out of jail and beat out diabetes. Beat up a little kid and steal his lunch money if that's what it takes for you to get this masterpiece of modern Sinema.

4.5/5
Eric

The House of the Devil- Ti West

Well shit. I felt like I was watching a movie in my duplex when I was 8 Years old. Captures the feel of the 80's Devil/Cult movies better than i could of imagined. Interesting Characters, great gore, and wow is Jocelin Donahue insanely sexy. Not to mention you have Dr Vadar and Frankenstein from the squad as creepy fucking Richies, at least their not poories, aah Frostbite ruled. Anyways back to House of the Devil, the build up in this is perfect. There is a lot of it but they meticulously space it out and give you something just at the point where you think nothing is going to happen. Ti West is on his his way to horror genius. House of the Devil made me wanna kick a baby in its soft spot then use the blood to summon the great Dark Lord and play lets make a deal with my soul just to get more movies put out as fucking bad ass as this.

4.5/5

Eric

The Road- John Hillcoat

I'm so Lonely.


4/5
Eric

Thankskilling- Jordan Downey

This is why we stole the Indians land and slaughtered them. So we can watch sweet movies like this. Jack Frost Raped Monsturd, then The Miner from Miner's Massacre Raped The Gingerdead Man for 9 Minutes. They all had baby's and then Bukakied all over the infants. Those Infants made a movie and it was called Thankskilling. Fuck I'm so stoked on this shit. Yeah I had help from my friend Mr. Daniels but this movie sucks the right way, I laughed so hard. Holy shit if you don't suck go buy this movie and watch it every Turkey Day. Fucking funny as fuck. FUCK...

3/5

Eric

Night of the Creeps- Fred Dekker

Holy shit I love this movie. Mother Fucking Atkins is the man. So many amazing quotes. You have everything you could fucking want. Aliens, Zombies, Naked Bitches, Atkins, Nerds, Blood, Flame Thrower, Guns, K and B from KNB, Cool cars, The 80's. Ive decided to play a drinking game next time I watch this, take a shot every time they say creeps. Holy shit I will be fucked up, its like the Wild Zero drinking game, or the Flight of the living Dead one. What can I write that hasn't been said about this masterpiece. Its close to perfect. Stop being a bitch and go buy the recently released S.E. It will be the best thing you have done since you stop pissing the bed, although if you play the drinking game you may start that habit again.

5/5

Eric

Necromentia- Pearry Reginald Teo

Clive Barker had a kid, not in a sweet Junior kind of way but in a Clive went straight and had sex with the female Allister Crowley. Parts of this are pretty bad ass, Fat pig men singing suicide songs(not the two piece, the act of) Some decent looking creatures and monsters, not to mention kills. The other side of the coin is some of it comes off ridiculous and looks like some god damn Nu Metal Video, get a few drinks, and Satan it up and you will have a bloody good time, not like in England but like a twelve year old's first visit from her Aunt.

1.5/5

Eric

A Perfect Getaway-David Twohy

What a perfect Piece of shit. This guy has made some decent Movies. Pitch Black was Surprisingly good for a Vin Diesel movie, Below was bad ass, this however is far from anything even resembling a good film. I love Milla, but even she cant save this shit Bubble. Even if she had gotten Naked(which she didn't by the way) This still hurt my brain. This has possibly the dumbest shock/twist ending since the first Saw movie. If you are going to have a shock ending please make sure the rest of the movie matches up with it. You cant just decide like hey this is shocking fuck the rest of the script, no one will notice, I'm fucking drunk and I realize it doesn't fucking make sense you stupid mother fuckers. Thank You M Night you have bread a new generation of Fucktards who thinks a shocking ending saves a shitty movie.


0/5


Eric

Basement Jack- Michael Shelton

Decent Low Budget Slasher/Killer fare. Lynn Lowery who used to be one of the hottest woman in the world, well let just say while I would of fucked her while there were weird sex slugs crawling around her, now that she is just a crazy old mom who uses her son to recreate the Struck by lightning scene from Great Outdoors I...aah fuck it I would still fuck her, I would just show everyone the publicity shots from Shivers. Anyways back to the film in question, and the question is why did I somewhat enjoy this? The effects were bad, Knife threw head was done in photo shop I think. They have Tiffany Sheppis in this as a cop, not a sexy stripper cop but a wearing way to many bulky clothes cop. That's like putting Brinke Stevens in a Nun roll, and not the sweet kind that gets her pussy eaten by her disciplined schoolgirl students. Michele Morrow is pretty much fully clothed all the time, that is a sin. Michele Morrow and Basement Jack have a Matrix style bullet time fight. Yet with all these things, i suggest watching this, man I am fucked up.


1.5/5

Eric

Paranormal Activity- Oren Peli

Lots hype surround this film, I heard about it a couple of years ago when it was on the festival Circuit. Then Paramount bought it with plans to remake it, then they did something that made me unleash the 36 chambers of my ass all over my downstairs neighbors face(flimsy floors). They said they couldn't do anything that would make it better, holy shit, I didn't realize studios had brains. Skip forward, it started off in 9 Cities, sold out every show, so they expanded, same thing happened, they expanded more, and finally went wide cuz a bunch of nerds know how to click buttons. I love the future. I knew I had to see this no matter what the outcome. Its a piece of history, i could already tell. Its becoming this Decades Blair witch. Is that a good thing? I don't know. It may have the same fate as Blair Witch. I went and saw this movie by myself with a pretty crowed auditorium. Was it scary? yes. Was it entertaining? Yes. Was it irritating being surrounded by a bunch of fat bitches eating their newest selection of bootlegged snacks? Yes. Ill stop Rambling, No Doobie Brothers here. Paranormal is everything that the hype says it is. But will it be the Second or third time? That I cant answer, yet, but I doubt it. I do highly suggest seeing it, It an experience that only comes along so often and if anything its a piece of history.

4/5

Eric

Orphan- Jaume Collet-Serra

What the fuckity fuck fuck? I saw this trailer and was like wow, a retarded goat that I wrestled Royal Rumble style directed a movie. Then I found out it was the retarded goat that made house of wax(obviously not the one with Vincent price dick cheese). To my amazement Orphan is kinda bad ass. The trailer does it no justice as it portrays it as a shitty looking Dark Castle Movie. I expected Gothika and instead got Hitchcock meets The Good son meets Don't look now meets Pacific Heights. Buddy from Garden State and Milf from Joshua decide to adopt a weird looking kid who loves vodka, at first its sweet, then she starts playing Russian roulette. Milf is not stoked, dad doesn't notice, Kids start dying, Nuns get Hammer smash faced, this bitch is crazy, deaf girl has Basket Case And Blue Velvet moments. I'm in awe, I enjoyed this movie. Who would of thought.


3.5/5

Eric

Zombieland- Ruben Fleischer

What about Bob? Amazing. One of the best intros since The Last Boy Scout. All Zombie killings should be in surrealistic Slo-Mo. Woody Harrelson Fucking Rules. "Wanna feel how hard I can Punch?" I laughed so hard I gave myself a Pink Sock, then I kept laughing and my Pink Sock kind of got some motion in it and I ended up slapping the person behind me in the face with my Pink Sock. They ended up puking, and the person next to them puked, and next to them. It was like a big Stand by me moment. Anyways back to Zombieland. Fun fucking movie, great cast, great effects, something a little different. Watch this shit yo.

3.5/5

Eric

Werewolf in a Womans Prison- Jeff Leroy

Wow, this guys rules, hes like American Werewolf in London, check, Woman's Prison Movies, check, Titties, check. Recipe for badassery. The werewolf has Christmas eye lights, and tears bitches up, awesome. Torture, throat ripping, sweat licking, Sam Raimi looking motherfucker wearing a sweet Don Johnson Jacket. Rule, Rule, Rule my Ballz, that's what this movie does.

3/5

Stan Helsing- Bo Zenga/Dead Snow-Tommy Wirkola(Guest Reviews by Gabe)

So today we have a couple of Guest Reviews from Gabe Nye the Science Guy

If you're like me you want to take a huge shit on the recent "___ movie" genre. The obnoxious attempts to parody popular movies that inspire no laughs and a lot of hate towards the filmmakers. The Scary Movie series really kicked this off, and they are some of the worst. On the other hand, I have nothing but love for the old school parody movies, Mel Brooks is a god among men, and the old Naked Gun and Airplane movies are pure genius. It seems to me that the last really good parody movie was Repossesed. Well, now we finally have another one worth watching. Is it as good as the old Brooks or Leslie Nielson movies? No, but it's a damn sight closer than anything in a long time. Hell, good ol' Leslie has a pretty hilarious role in Stan Helsing even.

As far as plot goes, take all the major slashers (Freddy, Jason, Pinhead, etc...) and make them just a little different with sort of retarded jokes built in (Freddy wears a "flava flav" clock and has a swiss army glove, "Pleatherface" has a leaf blower). Then, make a lot of immature slapstick/fart/dick jokes at the protagonists' expense, in the best way possible. It's not a "good" movie, but it's a lot of fun, and it reminded me of the ones I watched all the time as a kid, and that's what matters. Get a few drinks, keep in mind that dick and fart jokes are still super funny, no matter how old you are, and you'll have a great time.

3/5

Gabe Nye the Science Guy




Fuck, I feel like I had been waiting for this movie for practically my whole life. Nothing goes together in my mind better than Nazis and Zombies. It's the fucking reese's peanut butter cup of the horror world to me. Unfortunately for everyone, there just haven't been any truly great Nazi Zombie movies made yet. (I admit I haven't seen all of them, and there are a few that I've been told are pretty decent, so don't get pissed if there's already one you love.) This isn't the most original execution of the horror genre, a bunch of attractive young adults go hang out in a cabin on a mountain. They proceed to drink and fuck, natch, and even get a visit from a sort of creepy old guy that tells them all of the important "evil Nazis buried under the snow" information that the audience needs. Complete with a "don't awake the ancient evil" warning.

Soon enough Nazi Zombies are killing motherfuckers left and right, and getting re-killed themselves. So, pretty basic stuff there, but it still manages to impress. There are some pretty awesome kills, both for the zombies and the teens, and some pretty good use of intestines, something that I feel is severely underused in zombie movies. The gore is great, the zombies look sweet, and I had a grin on my face pretty much the whole time. Also, there's a ton of metal on the soundtrack, not all of it is great, but I think we can all agree that there needs to be more metal in horror movies.

P.S. this is a Norwegian movie, so if you're one of those people that can't deal with subtitles you might want to steer clear until you find a dubbed version. But, seriously, grow the fuck up and learn to read. I was trashed and I still managed to read all the dialog and watch all the kills, it ain't rocket science people.

4/5

Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Prom Night- Nelson McCormick

Holy shit, there is no amount of Alcohol or drugs than can save this monstrous Rhino shitstorm. The 80's one is fun, not great but fun, this has nothing. Some of the stupidest charecters ive ever seen on celluloid. There is a state of panic and alarms going off and my whole family got murdered last year, ah fuck it, im gonna go back upstairs to get my shall. What a bunch of fuck warts. Jonathan Schaech is a fucktard, the cop thinks hes in Shakespearean theater. I shit blood and smeared it all over the TV to block my eyes from this.

0/5


Eric

The Gate- Tibor Takács

Fuck Yeah, The Gate is so bad ass. Stephen Dorff in his first role, he's like not even born yet or some shit. His friendaloo is so metal, sweet Venom back patch dude. Plus hes like 12 and loves obscure European metal bands, I wanna party with this dude. The effects in this are so awesome, sweet 80's Stop motion and clay, fucking amazing, like stories. Very dark for what is supposed to be a kids horror film, i love it, FUN, FUN, FUN.

4/5

Eric