Orphan- Jaume Collet-Serra

What the fuckity fuck fuck? I saw this trailer and was like wow, a retarded goat that I wrestled Royal Rumble style directed a movie. Then I found out it was the retarded goat that made house of wax(obviously not the one with Vincent price dick cheese). To my amazement Orphan is kinda bad ass. The trailer does it no justice as it portrays it as a shitty looking Dark Castle Movie. I expected Gothika and instead got Hitchcock meets The Good son meets Don't look now meets Pacific Heights. Buddy from Garden State and Milf from Joshua decide to adopt a weird looking kid who loves vodka, at first its sweet, then she starts playing Russian roulette. Milf is not stoked, dad doesn't notice, Kids start dying, Nuns get Hammer smash faced, this bitch is crazy, deaf girl has Basket Case And Blue Velvet moments. I'm in awe, I enjoyed this movie. Who would of thought.


3.5/5

Eric

The Children-Tom Shankland

These Kids are fucked up. The preview for this makes it look kind of retardead, thankfully that is not the case. These kids will take you out to the shed and Fuck You, and not in a sweet way like the way your babysitter did, but like the backwoods fucks from deliverance. They might not make you squeal but they will rip the flesh from your face. Like the Weasels do. This like many movies I have seen lately is paced in a very strange way, not a bad way. It keeps you wondering till it finally hits you, then you are like what the fuck. I don't want to give to much away but if you like watching little kids get Splinter faced, glass penetrated and Stephan Kinged then your in for a treat.

4/5
Eric