Dark Night of the Scarecrow- Frank De Felitta

     Fuck you answers.  I love the 80's as far as horror films go for this very reason.  Dark Night of the Scarecrow is a made for TV movie from 1981(TV was so much cooler back then)which is only like a little over a year past when I cut myself out of my moms.  I was one, that's one year past the age of rape consent in some country's. 
     Dr. Giggles is a sped.  He is friends with the McPoyle sister.  One day they are playing and she gets hurt, all the locals assume he did it, obviously he did.(oh rednecks) They chase him and turn him into a scarecrow and shoot the fuck out of him.  Oops, I guess a dog hurt her. Lucky for the dicks responsible in 81 judges dont give a shit about lynch mobs.  It happens.
     These fucks are set free like Dead Prez and shit starts to happen, one guy has a psychic vision of Fargo, one guy drowns in a big vat and Rick Moranis doesn't show up to drink 8 gazillion ounces to save him and a gas stove explodes as if it was an atomic bomb. 
     I was worried that this wouldn't hold up, albeit not perfect it is a lot of fun and takes me back to my hood, and by that I mean childhood not the area I was raised in and bought shit at the corner store from but before I was in my teens motherfucks. 

3.5/5

Tromeric

S&man- JT Petty

     So I have been seeing little things about this here and there but  I have purposely avoided finding out much about it as I prefer to see movies like this with little knowledge.  
     I went to the mall today to grab a few DVD's so I could have an all day tequila and horror film marathon, while looking through the racks I came across this and since I love JT Petty due to The Burrowers being insanely bad ass and basically Tremors meets The Wild Bunch. I started off the day watching a few episodes of TV from last night such as community and It's always sunny and then cracked open the Tarantula and started off with the Psycho Legacy as I preferred to see this a tad(not a fat grunge band) more sober than the rest.  Now that it was finished and I randomly got some tamales it was time to move on so I put in this little movie I knew very little about aside from the director. 
     I don't want to ruin much, as I said knowing little is very beneficial in this.  What I will say is HOLY FUCKING CHRIST BALLS!  What starts out as a documentary following a dude that likes to film the lady's turns into what at first what seems like a doc on the sub-genre  of fake snuff broooootal low budge Ala Toe Tag or Bill Zebub.  While this is interesting the real story starts when JT meets up with Eric, the maker of the S&man films.  This is where your insides carefully drop into  your rectum.  It has been a long fucking time since I have seen a movie where I was literally on the edge of my seat. It may be random but as far as I can remember the last time I felt this tension that wasn't haute was when I saw The Hurt Locker. I literally almost fell off my couch, and I'm full of tequila.  JT has made a movie that is more well crafted than a stumpkin.  Go out and buy this movie.  I have loved JT this far but this movie cements him as a modern master right up there with Mike Mendez and the rest of the crew that has saved us from the bullshit the 90's brought us.  I want to give this movie a 5 but as I have put back a fifth of tequila I will restrain just in case but seriously I swear on the corpses of Bob Clark, Anthony Perkins and Alfred Hitchcock(no disrespect intended) you must watch this film.


4.5/5

Tromeric

Maneater- Gary Yates

     The Gingerdead man himself Gary Busey takes on a tiger that is well, a man eater.  I went into this expecting a made for TV shitty movie about a tiger that eats people. Low and behold that is what I got, what did surprise me though is the lack of CGI and somehow Gary Busey pulls of the best acting he has done in a long time. Actually everyone in this holds their own as far as acting goes.  No one will be getting an Oscar by any means but compared to say Grizzly Rage or The Swarm I gotta admit I was impressed. 
      So the basics are Mr. Busey is the Sheriff of some shit hole town where you guessed it a tiger gets loose.  Then you have some kid that is brought up in a trailer with his crazy ass mom who wont let him play with all the other little boys or go to school or do any of those weird things kids do like socialize or learn facts.  The interaction between these two is priceless at one point the mom says something like "while I'm at work no make beleive just read your bible."  I guess she doesn't realize that the bible has more fantasy and rape than Deathstalker 2.   Next up we have a dude with possibly the coolest mustache ever.   He has shown up from England to have tea and crumpet's and listen to music on his record player, oh and kill a tiger because obviously that's what he does.  The Tiger keeps killing people and eating them, except the little boy.  I thought Christians were suppose to get fed to tigers, oh that's lions. My bad.
     I am a sucker for giant or killer animal movies. I don't really care if they are good or not I always enjoy this shit, except for Spiders 2, that made my butt hole bleed.  While this is no Burning Bright(a killer tiger movie that was surprisingly effective) it is put together with way more suspense and entertainment that it has any right to.   If you want to have 90 minutes spent watching Busey be crazy and tigers eat some folk then boy have I found the movie for you.


2.5/5

Tromeric

Halloween 2- Rob Zombie

     Rob Zombie has lost his mind.  Which is fitting as I have as well.  With the first remake he did he was criticized for many things one being that aside from the first little bit where he wasted time explaining why Michael was crazy it wasn't nearly as "different" as he had eluded to.  Well for the sequel he gave everyone a big Fuck You and just pulled a bunch of shit out of his ass.  Halloween 2 is a love it or hate it film.  It is not that "good" but is so fucking out there I can't help but enjoy it.  The brutality shown in it is impressive as well. Don't get me wrong it's no August Underground but the amount of stabbing Michael pulls off is pretty impressive.  Anyways I don't have it in me to pick it apart or give it praise I am just glad I survived my 16 hour Marathon and I definitely dont mind going out on this compared to some of the other shit I have suffered though today.  

3.5/5
Tromeric

Halloween- Rob Zombie

     So I am not going to take the time to argue that this should of never happened.  It was pointless and there is so many things Rob Zombie could of done besides waste his time remaking one the best films ever made. 
     I will say if you can ignore that and just want to be entertained this will do the trick, especially if you have spent twelve hours straight watching the downfall of the Halloween franchise. Rob Zombie definitely splits people down the middle and that's fine.  I tend to enjoy his white trash broooooootal take on things, again he should of done something else but I guess I am going with the if you can't beat em join em approach.  If you judge me try watching all the original Halloween films back to back.  I just became a mathematician and figured out a formula.
Revenge+Curse+H20+Resurrection= the rotten foreskin off of John Holmes's  Aid's ridden cock which is < horrible than Rob Zombies remake. 

3/5


Tromeric

Halloween: Resurrection- Rick Rosenthal

     After Al Gore created the internet, the producers of Halloween decided that they should probably cash in on it with Michael Myers because those two things go together like peanut butter on a labia and a dog's wet ass tongue.
      I have been watching Halloween films for 12 hours now and it is getting harder and harder to not shove bloody tampons into my eyes and tear the strings out so I cant use them to pull said tampons out even if I got the fucking horrible idea. I don't even know what I am talking about.  Busta and the cast of American Pie take on Michael Myers and some other shit happens. Who gives a God damn? I sure as hell don't.

.5/5


Tromeric

Halloween: H20- Steve Miner

     The producers of Halloween strike again.  This time instead of not having Michael Myers in it or having him be the byproduct of a cult of druids they decided they would just ignore all of those and more and just skip ahead twenty years past the end of two.  Why not?        Jaime Lee Curtis returns along with a list of 90's supertweens such as Josh Hartnett, Michele Williams and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, not to mention L.L. "I took a brake from knocking people mama said not to knock out" Cool J. 
     This is a 90's film.  It feels, looks and sounds(gross) like a 90's film.  The 90's mind you is the worst decade ever in horror.  In contrast this is far better than the last two pieces of elephant bukake in the Halloween franchise.
     My brain is fucking melting from this but after revenge and curse I welcome this shitty cash in. If you don't have anything else to do there are worse ways to kill a couple of hours, however there are much better ways as well.


2/5


Tromeric

Halloween 666:The Curse of Michael Myers- Joe Chappelle

     I remember hating this movie more than OJ hated his wife.  This morning when I woke up and decided that I was going to put myself through more torture than Bill Mosley? went through in Robert Lieberman's latest film this was the moment I dreaded.
     Druids took that girl from the last boy scout(cheap lazy reference on my part) because she got the deep dicking and made another little Myers baby.  Lucky for her even though she has to get the death Paul Rudd has Alicia Silverstone pull off the freeway and drop him off to save the devil baby.  Lots of bullshit happens and yes in case you missed it in the first five movies It is because of a cult.  I mean they couldn't of painted that any clearer obviously it was a cult.  Didn't you get all the signs in the first five.  Oh wait this is total bullshit I forgot. 

1/5


Tromeric

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers- Dominique Othenin-Girard

     OK, this is where my patience is really getting tested.  Return while not perfect was fun and felt though the filmmakers were having fun.  This is just money and it shows.  Jaime is now in a mental ward because she may be like her uncle.  She draws crazy pictures and some people die.  That is honestly about all I can take away from this.  It just ended about an hour ago and I have probably seen it 7 times or so in my life and I already don't remember shit.  If you are ever masochistic enough to do a Halloween marathon as I have, heed my warning. When you make it to number 5 make sure you are good and drunk and stay away from sharp things because it is only gonna get worse.

1.5/5


Tromeric

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers- Dwight H. Little

     The producers realized that not having Michael Myers in a Halloween movie may not of been the best idea financially speaking, so as the title hints at he has come home again.  I have very fond memories of this entry albeit not a "good" film it is a lot of fun.  I remember the first time I watched it I was over at a friends house it was like 2 AM we had the house pitch black and his grandma was passed out in here moth ball filled room.  Michael Myers raised his knife and at that moment the loudest phone you have ever heard in your life rang and scared the fucking bejesus out of me.  I clenched my sphincter as tight as possible to stop the flowing spring of fecal matter fighting to get out. Anyways aside from that there were a couple good kills and scares as well.  Now that I have shared a portion of my upcoming autobiography I will move onto the film that stands on trial.
     It is ten years since Michael Myers escaped and killed some kids and terrorized his sister that somehow he found. Dr. Loomis is still at it and Michael escapes again.  Well naturally he heads back to Haddonfield where he naturally has some more kin he found out about.  I guess Laurie dug up Ben Treymer's body pulled a kissed and made a baby, then said baby got adopted and went back to Haddonfield where she coincidentally bought the same clown costume that Michael wore when he hacked his sister to death after some weird V.C. Andrews shit went down. This is where I would make a Last Boy Scout reference, but I can't as 365horrormovie beat me to the punch.  I guess I kind of did anyway. I am such a cheater, hopefully a film crew doesn't catch me in the act and broadcast it to a bunch of woman who enjoy watching that kind of thing.  Anyways back to Halloween 4.  Loomis is back for the attack and since most of the police force was taken down he feeds a bunch of rednecks cases of Schmidt beer and they get in their four by fours and go out on a hunt.   All in all its not a masterpiece, it wears its flaws on its sleeve.  It is however a fun ride and far better than what is to follow.
     
3/5

Tromeric

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch- Tommy Lee Wallace

     When I was a kid this movie pissed me off so bad.  I brought home the VHS popped it in and as I sat there confused wondering where the fuck Michael Myers was and thought about how bad I wanted to do a flying dick punch to everyone involved.  Well as I got older I grew to appreciate this as long as I thought of it on its own.
First off I want to apologize to everyone involved for my hate and anger that I felt.  How could I hate anything that mother fucking ATKINS was involved in?  I should give myself up to scary German guy and let him eat me to death.
      Silver Shamrock makes some masks and they shoot some kinda Oregon Trail computer laserblast into peoples brains that give them typhoid.  Atkins turns from Dr to detective and seduces young grieving girls into fucking him while Andrew Packard gives some fat kid a tour as if its a chocolate factory. 
     The music in this is bad ass and the effects are fun and creepy at the same time.  The transformation scenes define the 80's perfectly and well Stonehenge and witchcraft equals badassary.

3.5/5

Tromeric

Halloween 2- Rick Rosenthal

     I have more memories with this than I may even have with the first one.  I recorded it off of USA during one of their Marathons and watched it about as much as I did my copy of Ramboner.  Anytime I hear Mr. Sandman I cant help but think of a time where some jackass decided that obviously Michel Myers had another sister he didn't OJ. Anyways onto the "review"
     Halloween 2 starts off right at the end of the first film.  Laurie is taken to the hospital and of course Michael makes his way there to cause some chaos.  This hospital is ran by possibly the most professional staff this side of Richard Pryor in Critical Condition.  When your on duty the best idea is to have a sexy romp in a hot tub with the sleazeball ambulance driver.  What is your reward?  Micheal will turn the heat up to 11 and melt your naked face off.  This scene stuck in my head from my childhood right up there with the hot rock through the body from Jason takes a boat. 
     All in all part deuce holds not a god damned candle compared to the original but for a fun continuation with some interesting  kills and  some additions to the lore(good and bad)its not a bad idea to put in your shitty VHS if your kind of bummed that the first one is over.  You can rest assured that even with all the stupid ideas at least they didn't decide Michel was who he was due to a cult, oh wait shit, I need another drink.


3.5/5

Tromeric

Halloween- John Carpenter

     I woke up this morning way earlier than necessary as I spent last night out at the strip club with old friends before watching a few late night episodes of River Monsters.  What will today bring was my question within seconds of waking up. I could go out movie and figure hunting, I could go see some films at the theater,  I could clean my house or do something else productive.  Well I decided fuck all that I will poor myself a bowl of Count Chocula, watch all ten Halloween films, and wait for my package from diabolik DVD. Anytime I do any lengthy marathon I always am so excited when I first start and by the end want to pull my hair out and choke myself with it.  I'm assuming this one will be the same but only time will tell.  Now onto the original classic that will never be touched, now I know that's what every good little boy thinks and many have been proven wrong but Halloween has made it some thirty something(not that sweet TV show) years and few films compare for me.


     Halloween has always and will always be one of my favorite horror films and one of my favorite films in general.  I have watched it so many times and it gets me every time.  The music, the pacing, the editing, just the all around feel of it and the fact that they made Cali feel like the Midwest during the fall.   I find it very difficult to review these classic films.  What can I say that hasn't been said?  If you are a horror fan you know how you feel about them.  My review is not gonna sell anyone on anything.
     With that said raise your glass in the air and salute this shit as if it were your shorts.  I am thankful to have Halloween and later on in the day will be wishing it was back on as I am suffering through the later installments that will question my sanity and may cause me to become a pissed off Trekkie that likes to kill bitches.

5/5

Tromeric



   

8213: Gacy House- Anthony Fankhauser

     A slow useless night at work was over and my brain was pondering what the fuck was I going to do?  Paranormal Activity 2 was opening and having a midnight screening and while I do want to watch it, it seemed like it was going to be crowded and I just wanted to kick my feet up, crack open a cold one(a beer, not a dead naked woman), and like Frankie just relax.  Well I opted for plan B so as I was looking through my pile of films to be watched and skipped over many films with tons of potential to become modern classics I saw Gacy house and knew right away.  My fate was sealed.
     Gacy House is what you expect. It is a found footage film done by the asylum where the ghost of John Wayne Gacy is out to trade in his little boys for a group of ghost hunters.
     It's like this, I can't tell you anything to sway you one way or the other.  Do you like found footage movies? You will probably like this.  Do you like serial killers?  You will probably like this.  Do you like the asylum?  You will probably like this.  Do you like all three of these?   You will blow a load all over the inside of your pants . 


3/5

Tromeric

The Hole- Joe Dante

     Joe Dante returns with a movie I can get behind, No reach around though.  
     The Hole plays out like a 90 minute episode of Eerie Indiana  which is OK in my book as Eerie Indiana was bad ass to the core of the earth, by the core I mean where the hole leads not that shitty movie with Harvey Dent. 

      This may not work for everyone but for anyone that grew up watching Dante's work or Goosebumps, or any of the great dark kids horror this is right up your ass uh alley uh hole? 

     It is a roller coaster ride where your childhood friend doesn't fall to their death.  It's fun, its creepy with little girls and Jester on a  roid rage crawling into hole's as if they were in  a Jan Svankmajer film. It is entertaining and funny and Dante fell into a goldmine using "hole" as the title, the most insane amount of innuendos. I wanna play a drinking game, take a shot every time a minor talks about having fun inside another minors hole. 
     The story here is not important. Don't get me wrong it works and actually most things in this film work. The acting, the effects, the story it all works, but who gives a good god damn.  This movie is a throwback to your childhood without all the touching in the places your swimsuit covered, well unless you were into that. The Hole made me feel like a kid again, sure I had more tequila while I was watching it, but a kid nonetheless.

3.5/5

Tromeric