Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Sunday, October 23, 2011

31 days of Horror Nerd Indoctrination- Day Twenty Three: Books

    Books, of fucking course they are part of the indoctrination. They are one of the few things that predate movies as a way to get your dose of horror, unless of course you were a prostitute in the Whitechapel district in 1888.  Some of the tales that are still told today in modern versions were put onto page long before your mom accidentally got impregnated with your seed. Bram Stoker brought us Dracula. Mary Shelly brought us Frankenstein and there was of course Edger Allen Poe and the fucking madman and genius HP Lovecraft. Books have been integral to the birth of horror in the same volume that alcohol was to your mom.


     I think back to being a little(well that's debatable) horror nerd and one thing that instantly springs to mind is Edgar Allen Poe. When I was in elementary school we had a scholastic book club where you could order books, magazines and got pizza and shit. I am not aware if they still have this as I know what birth control is but at the time I loved this shit.  I ordered so much stuff and then was like "mom, I need twenty five books for some random books I ordered." Luckily she was always supportive of my weird habits like reading and Scorpions.  Well shockingly I am off topic, so lets get back.  I got these bad ass illustrated books of Poe that included The Pit and the Pendulum, The Raven, and The Monkeys Paw.  I read these for than a chimo reads Teen Beat. that's a lot in case you were wondering. I loved the stories, I loved the pictures that were surprisingly gruesome for a kids book.


     One set of books that defines me better than Webster(I mean the little black kid, not the dictionary) is the Bunnicula series. I lived by these books. You think Christians are protective of the bible. Try saying something bad about Bunnicula to me and you will wish for a good stoning. Bunnicula is a vampire rabbit that sucks the blood of vegetables and the cat Chester is out to blow his cover. These books still hold up for me. I have always dreamed that they be made into a film. I would cum so hard I would give my self a pink sock of the dick. I have no idea if that's possible but if Bunnicula does get the big screen treatment we will find out.



     What kid doesn't love telling stories. You have seen it in movies like The Willies and on TV with Are you Afraid of the Dark? Well I loved it for sure and would set up a tent in the back yard and tell my friends the dumbest shit.That part hasn't changed that much but one thing that did change it was when I found a book at the library call Scary Stories to tell in the Dark. I took that shit home and was hooked like Franks face in Hellraiser.  I would devour the three collections of stories. Over and over and over. I didn't give a shit. It was  a sickness. I would try and draw the pictures out of the books, they always looked like they were done by a mentally challenged lemur on his death bed but God dammit I tried. If you want a more detailed look I suggest going to see the Dr. and reading his write up. I wish I had more time for these but I have done a fair amount of reading in my day so I must movie on.


     I of course heard the name Stephen King a lot when I was a kid. I had seen a few of the movies and It had been made into a massive television miniseries which I taped and watched and loved. I went to the library and check out IT. It was huge. I was only in fourth or fifth grade. I was determined to read it. Everyday after school I would sit and read, not even fully understanding everything I would read it for hours. I finished which felt like I was a legless man winning a marathon race, well at least close.  Over the years I have had mixed feelings on Stephen King. I have read a lot of his books and find the majority kind of boring. There are some exceptions obviously. The Dark Half, Carrie, his collections of shorts for the most part are super fun.  This guy has had so many adaptations and a lot of the time they don't work as well as they should but I still always give em a watch. I mean I do want to see what Mick Garris is up to.  



     Once I saw Hellraiser and saw that Clive Barker was also an author I had to read his books. I read The Hellbound Heart first as I couldn't get Hellraiser out of my head. I moved onto his other Works. Cabal which would become the film Night Breed and all of his shorts and books of blood. I was so young I don't think I got it all but I didn't give a shit. Stephen King told me the future and I listened.





   R.L. Stine has always been one of my favorites. His Goosebumps books may be written for children but fuck me I am thirty one and still love to read them.  Fear Street his more young adult series had it's fair share of fun and fear as well.  I feel he is extremely underrated and has been categorized  totally wrong. He is one of the most proliphic horror writers out there and is insanely interesting and entertaining on so many levels. If you want some good reading just go follow him on twitter. I mean seriously. He is one of my favorite people to read on there. I guess I am one person who can say I love R.L. Stine's Twats.  Well hopefully I am not the only person. His influence is insane he has had multiple TV shows based off his work and some pretty amazing movies. I mean have you seen When Good Ghouls go Bad? Yeah, it's the dude that directed Spaced Invaders and stars Christopher Lloyd. The Haunting Hour is insanely fun to watch aside from the god damn song that will be stuck in your head for days. Goosebumps was huge when I was a kid and I still can barely walk into a grocery store without seeing one on the shelf.  Don't be an asshole. Give R.L. the love he deserves.



   When I think of horror books of course the classic novels all are huge but I think reference. When I first started diving into horror the internet was not nearly as accessible as it is these days. One of the best ways I had to find obscure films was reference books. My mom got me Videohound's Horror show and I dissected it like a fat kid with a countdown to Christmas calender. I would just sit and read each one and anything that even sounded fucked up, weird, bizarre or twisted(which was pretty much everyone) I wrote on my massive list that I would take to the video store with me. Any time I see a new reference book on horror I still will buy it and I would wager that at this point in my odyssey there is not a whole lot of discovering left for me.



    I wanna give a special shout out to bizzaro fiction. I am a sick and twisted individual so it is probably not surprising that when I see a book called Baby Jesus Butt Plug I am thrilled. I saw the author at a horror convention a few years ago where he was with Eraserhead Press.  They pretty much cover it all when it comes to bizzaro. I don't want to ruin any of the fun as reading all their descriptions was a blast. I do suggest you click the link and have a blast of awesome to the face.



     I have always read more non fiction than fiction.  It is probably because I never liked reading the bible. I get sucked into a good memoir or biography a lot quicker. I am not here to figure that out though.  There are so many memoirs out there for the horror genre. Everyone from Wes Craven to Adriane Barbeau has one and than all the reference books on a particular director is even more insane.  Lloyd teaches you how to make a movie, Bruce Campbell teaches you how to make love(although that is more fiction) and Fulci, Agrento, Lewis, Miike and pretty much every other influential horror director has one. My bookshelf is full of these and will continue to grow.



    I am not as up to date on horror fiction as I probably should be as I spend most of my time reading magazines, reference books, memoirs and classics(that is when I am not watching horror which is also takes up a fuck ton of my time).  I have however found a few current books and authors that I will recommend to anyone. Jack Ketchum is easily my favorite of the modern horror authors. The Girl Next Door is so dark and brutal, Red is a perfect tale of revenge and the Off Season/Offspring/The Woman trilogy is a perfect trilogy. I remember when I bought Offspring I read it in one sitting. Brandon Ford has had a couple novels that have been praised and recently put out a collection of short stories which I just read. Excellent collection.  I have not had a chance to read John Dies at the End but I absolutly live by Cracked.com and am super excited for Coscarelli's adaptation of it. It is in my to read pile and have heard nothing but good things.



    I will end with review/movie journey books. I someday myself have plans on publishing a book of the grog but that is of course down the road, hopefully not the road that leads to nowhere(RIP David Hess).  Mike Nelson of MST3K fame put out mega cheese which is such fun read, Vern has two books of reviews out which aren't straight horror but of course those are my favorites.  He is one of the best people to read reviews from in my opinion. He is entertaining and not your standard film critic.  His love for action, horror and everything in between is refreshing.  Last I will leave you with one of my favorite books. Showgirls, Teen Wolves and Astro Zombies. It is Michael Adams one year journey to find the worst movie ever made. It is hilarious and insightful and I myself have watched many of the movies he tortures himself with so it is comforting to see someone else endure the pain I have felt.


Tromeric

Saturday, October 22, 2011

31 days of Horror Nerd Indoctrination- Day Twenty Two: USA Up all Night


     It was the late eighties and I was up late on a Saturday night and flicking channels and came across something that caught my eye, or my ear.  Gilbert Gottfried. That voice I had to know what was going on. Well he was talking about horror movies. I was hooked. Every weekend I had to watch, usually both nights. Friday was hosted by Caroline Schlitt when I fist started watching but she was soon replaced by the insanely sexy Rhonda Shear. Let me tell you when your ten or eleven and this sexy ass woman is talking about Troma films or Return of the Living Dead, lets just say Rhonda taught me what a boner was. I have the fondest memories of this show. I saw Attack of the Killer Tomato's, The Toxic Avenger, Shocker, Cannibal Woman in the Avocado Jungle of Death and so many more. I wish I could get a time machine and go back to this. The feeling I had every weekend in indescribable. I have attempted to find copies of some old episodes of these but it just hasn't been that fruitful. I have a few random ones and you can watch some clips online which are great but God Dammit I want every episode in special edition DVDs. Is that really to much to ask?


Tromeric
    

Friday, October 21, 2011

31 days of Horror Nerd Indoctrination- Day Twenty One: Full Moon


     Growing up if there was one company that I would always look for at the video store it was Full Moon.  Once I saw Puppet Master I was addicted.  I would just look for that moon. Ninety nine percent of the time I went home, watched the movie and shit my pants out of joy. 
      If New Line is the house that Freddy built Full Moon is the house that Blade built, with some help from Torch, Six Shooter, Leech Woman, Pinhead, Jester and Tunneler. Puppet Master may be their most famous but it is not where Full Moon stops.  Look at the Subspecies series. Radu keeps sucking the life right back into that series.  It even recently was awarded a Blu Ray release.  Let's not forget Trancers. Tim Thomerson could kick my ass any day of the week. That is just the series. They also put out some of what are still my favorite stand alone films.  Bad Channels is a perfect movie.  Sykotik Symphony is amazing, Blue Oyster Cult didn't try and find out who their pussy fans were and the aliens rule my balls.  Castle Freak is always a must watch and Stuart Gordon also did the Pit and the Pendulum with Jeffery Combs.  In the eighties and ninety's Full Moon had a hold of me. 
     Once they lost their partnership with Paramount you definitely saw a drastic change in budget and quality. This is a time I just kind of forget. There were a few exceptions like Witchhouse which I have a weird soft spot that would make a baby jealous( I don't know what that means either). 
     These days Full Moon is at it again.  Sure it might not live up to some of the eighties and early ninety's films but they are back to being awesome. Killer Bong, Killjoy, and my personal favorite Gingerdead Man.

     One last thing I want to touch on is Full Moons toy line. I know I have went over it a bit before but I was obsessed with all their figures.  Puppet Master, Radu, Castle Freak and these days they have all their replicas which are insanely amazing and I want all of. The Gingerdead Man one is amazing, Evil Bong, and all the battle damaged puppets.




     Full Moon has always been there for me when I needed a less than perfect but fun ride. Kind of like that person you call, you know who I am talking about, anyways they have made it a long time and should be saluted like your shorts. This is just a quick overview of my life with Full Moon. I suggest you go over to Mr. Gable's Reality if you want some more Full Moon love.


Tromeric

Thursday, October 20, 2011

31 days of Horror Nerd Indoctrination- Day Twenty: Holidays

    Holidays may seem like a weird thing for horror nerds but I got some reasons. I am also a little more influenced by the grog than usual and decided I want to go to a party so this may be a quick entry.
      Two of the main ones are Christmas and birthdays. The main reason, presents.  I have gotten some bad ass things as gifts for both these days. Today in fact Gabe Nye brought me a late birthday present which was the Maniac soundtrack from Mondo. I came awesome all over my pants. In the past I have gotten some amazing movies and gifts.  Gabe Nye also got me a official reproduction of Jason's mask one year for Christmas. I don't mean your bullshit Toys R Us replicas. This shit is ceramic and awesome. I have gotten Ghoul records from Jimmy Caution, Expensive ass boxsets like the Buffy box from Steph Infection and The Serial Mom Cereal box from Jacob Von Klingele. I could go on all day but I have drinks calling my name so lets get to the second part of the list.  Holiday horror movies.  Pretty much every holiday has some and these are just some of my favorites.


Valentine's Day:

My Bloody Valentine
My Bloody Valentine 3D

St. Patrick's Day:

Leprechaun (all of them)

Easter:

Critters 2
Easter Bunny Kill! Kill!
Passion of the Christ
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

4th of July:

Jaws
Cape Fear
Uncle Sam

Halloween:

Halloween (All of them)
Spaced Invaders
Night of the Demons (All of them)
Dark Night of the Scarecrow
Ginger Snaps
Trick or Treat
Trick R' Treat
Ernest Scared Stupid
Lightning Bug
Pet Sematery 2

Christmas:

Black Christmas
Christmas Evil
Silent Night Deadly Night (All of them)
Gremlins
Elves
Jack Frost (Both)
Santa's Sley
Treevenge
Sint
Rare Exports

New Year's Day:

New Year's Evil
Terror Train

Thanksgiving:

Blood Freak
Thanksgiving (Trailer: Eli Roth)
Thankskilling

Birthday:

Bloody Birthday
Happy Birthday to Me

April Fool's Day:

April Fool's Day



    I know there are a lot more. These are ones that I have traditions of watching. A theme night is always awesome, especially when it involves death and mayhem.


Tromeric

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

31 days of Horror Nerd Indoctrination- Day Nineteen: Movies

     Movies of course are right at the core when you talk to any horror nerd. I would guess that at least ninety nine percent of the time movies are what started any venture into horror.  When I was thinking about this entry I wasn't a hundred percent sure how to go about it. I mean I have to include movies in the indoctrination but most of the other entries include them somehow.  Movies can make you feel many different things. It is all about timing, atmosphere, mood and the movie itself. I have many a time watched a movie once and then the next time I watched it felt something completely different. The first time I watched Phantasm four I found it dull and not worth my time, the next time I watched it I found that it was my favorite sequel.
     There are so many different kinds of horror movies. Ive had a blast watching some of the shittiest movies ever because I was surrounded by friends and grog.  Movies that fit in the so bad its good, mega movies, anything the asylum touches. These movies are important to me but I save them for the right time. I don't get home from a funeral and put in Blood Freak.
     Movies can almost become erotic, I don't mean like cinemax either. I mean you get so into them and your excitement levels are peaked and when it is over you feel tired and happy all at the same time.  I like to call it a horrgasm.
      Atmosphere and timing obviously have a ton  to do with a movie.  I remember going home early one night from one of our coffee sesh's. I put a pizza in the oven which was nice as it was cold as shit and it kind of heated up my trailer. Well I sat down in my chair with a blanket and a pizza and put in my Monster Squad VHS.  I had seen it of course numerous times but this was a whole new thing.  I can't even put into words what it was like, but I'll try.  It was similar to a unicorn cumming rainbows all over a trolls titties, but seriously it is a feeling that you can't recreate.  I could come home tonight and follow the same procedure and it would turn out differently. The time that I remember best is when I went back to Yakima to help Steph Infection move into a new place. I woke up super early and walked across the street and got a box of donuts and a chocolate milk(not from the left tittie). I went back to her house which was pretty much empty, made a pot of coffee and sat on the floor and watched the VHS of Ernest Scared Stupid I had borrowed from Seth the Zombie.  This would easily go on the top ten happiest moments of my life but when you just hear the situation it seems so trivial.  Movies are magic with less bad music and douchey hair.





          Plus
That is happiness in case you were wondering.
                Equals                                             
                                             
Tromeric

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

31 days of Horror Nerd Indoctrination- Day Eighteen: Marathons

       Marathons have been huge for me over the years.  I have mentioned the forty nine and fifty days of horror many times. I have done marathons for many different series at the grog and right now I am involved in a marathon/competition called the madness.
     When I was a kid my first memories of marathons would have to be going to the local video store and they would have the five movies/five days/five bucks deals. I would get my five bones and pick out five horror films, usually with a theme and take them home for the weekend. I would sit down and just engulf myself in movies for hours. I usually had to go back on the second day and get another round as I did not need five days for five movies, I am a bad ass. This would continue for years and would get me read for whats to come.
     The forty nine days of horror started because Gabe Nye, Jeremy Gaukenstein and I along with some others were sitting at a twenty four hour diner in Yakima, WA called Mel's Diner, not DIEner unfortunately and decided we should do something epic for Halloween. We always would end up making random list's while we were there as I touched on in a previous entry in the indoctrination. Well we decided we were gonna do a marathon and make it epic as shit, yeah that epic.  We figured out that there was a Friday the 13th coming up and that there was forty nine days in between the thirteenth and Halloween. Gabe Nye figured that one out for us, he's the mathlete.  We sat there all night making lists of movies.  I was living in a dank ass basement with Jeremy Gaulkenstein and we just rocked it.  Every day we would wake up, get forties and watch horror movies. This is where I found a lot of the movies I love today that I hadn't seen as a child.  Some were amazing and some painful. We tried to keep count of our cigarette and forty intake and within a few days realized just how unrealistic that was.  In the end I think we ended up watching two hundred and something films.  We had books and books of reviews and quotes that Jeremy would save on his laptop(which was insane that he had, at that time they were a lot less common) and set as the screen saver. My personal favorite I remember was "Ken Foree went down like Mcauly Caulkin" We also would assign each quote to random people like Jesus H. Christ and Scott Bakula. In the end our house smelt for like an asshole than usual and we had so many bottles and cigarette butts to dispose of.
      The next year we were sitting in the same diner and were talking about how much fun the forty nine days had been and decided we wanted to do another Halloween marathon but on a much smaller scale. Well after we started on the god damn list's we ended up with fifty days, we started on the twelfth since it wasn's a Friday the 13th that year and the twelfth is when Cabin Fever opened which was a movie we were all super stoked on. We did more daily marathons during the fifty days.  We did the classics like Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Hellraiser, Puppet Master and of course Friday the 13th. We also did many theme days like cannibal day, Italian day, Naked Massacre night which Ill touch on later.  We were a lot more Hardcore this time around, we were pretty much Richard Kern.  We ended with like four hundred fifty films this time. It was insane.  This one we watched in a single wide trailer which was pretty classy.  We again had books and books of review that we were gonna put out in a book but we lost all the reviews from both years in an epic flood I had in the middle of winter in that same trailer.  I won't go into detail but I will say that I was in my underwear soaking wet in front of a trailer in December. John Waters would of filmed the shit out of me.
     I am doing a competition as I mentioned earlier called the madness. I am just starting week three and it has been insane.  I work a lot more than I did back ten years ago and this countdown has taken a lot of time.  I am watching movies as much as I can and I  still can't get into first, granted I have some pretty insane competition.
I know I have mentioned the Netflix marathon before but that has become a monthly staple in my life.  Get some drinks, some snacks, and add three horrible movies and you get a great fucking night.  Watch the movies, make fun of them with lots of other bad asses while getting drunk and you have a perfect evening.


I will leave you with a couple of marathons that are fun or painful or both.  I take no responsibility for the outcome if you try any of  these. 



Toe Tag pictures night-  Toe Tag makes films that even the most experienced horror nerd will cringe at. Blood, shot, vomit and all the other beautiful things. Watching all of these in one sitting will make you feel like the worst and best person ever.







Naked Massacre Night- This is as awesome as it sounds.  Get some friends, try and mix in some pretty girls or guys depending on preference, get naked and watch all six of the classic massacre movies. You could make this even longer as there are more movies with massacre in the title than Mexican babies in a rated R movie.




Steph Infection getting ready for Robocop.

Getting Robo'd with Robocop- This is not one I reccomend unless your insane and wanna feel like shit. I however had a blast but I am a sick bastard.  Get a bottle of Robitussin(check and make sure it has the good stuff) drink it and watch all five, yeah five Robocop movies.  





Tromeric