Mr. Gable's Treehouse of Horror

Garbage Pail Kids brought Mr. Gable and I together. We have since went on to start the Bad Netflix crew along with some others. The only man I know that enjoys every movie about a killer animal more than me.

Halloween marks many traditions. Costumes, Candy, Drinking pumpkin spice flavored beverages, and The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror. This yearly event is something I look forward to time and time again. Ever since I was a kid and first saw the very first Treehouse of Horror, I'm glued to the TV every year...and most of the time the Sunday AFTER Halloween. This tradition grew from just my family watching it to getting together with friends and partying for it to now having all day marathons in preparation for it. Without a doubt, The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror is a mainstay amongst myself and everyone the world over. So today I would like to share my Top Ten favorite Treehouse of Horror segments.

10. Attack of the 50 Foot Eyesores

Ahhh...what would happen if all the billboards came to life? A better question is what would happen if a Kent Brockman billboard came to life and killed Kent Brockman? HISTORY. That's what happens. Homer likes donuts, so he goes for broke and steals the greatest of all donuts and somehow manages to smuggle it into his house unbeknownst to his family. A crazy electrical storm comes through and  brings the doughnut man to life who goes around zapping everything else alive and then they all terrorize the town. I like this segment because I've always been a sucker for giant monster destruction movies like Godzilla or Gamera and this just taps into that in a way I never thought possible.

9. The Monkey's Paw

TO THIS DAY I want a Monkey's Paw. How awesome would it be to have 4-5 wishes (depending on what universe you live in)? The Simpsons are at a black market and purchase a Monkey's Paw from a crazy old guy. They immediately start making wishes which turn around on them like the Wishmaster and everything goes to crap. The funniest part of this segment is when Ned takes the Paw and suddenly everything is OK if not better again.

8. Citizen Kang

As a child I didn't follow politics. I barely follow it now. But it was because of this segment that I actually knew who was running for president. And they were totally gay for each other. Kang and Kodos, the yearly alien visitors, inhabit the bodies of Bill Clinton and Bob Dole until the election after which they will enslave humanity and rule the world. The best part is when the election is about to go down and Homer crashes the UFO into congress....but no one listens to him anyway.

7. Dial "Z" for Zombies

Where else can you summon zombies wearing a Michael Jackson album? WHERE!? Some of the greatest moments happen in this segment. Homer exclaiming (with a shotgun), "TO THE BOOK DEPOSITORY!", Homer shooting Zombie Ned not realizing he was a zombie, and Homer gunning down Shakespeare and Washington.

6. The Devil and Homer Simpson

I've already said that Homer loves donuts right? This episode exploits that to a level never before seen. Homer sells his soul for a doughnut. When the Devil comes to collect they call in lawyers to fight for his right to keep his soul. Between trials Homer is summoned to Hell....where he consumes all of the donuts ever to exist....and he wants more. The torturer is dumbfounded.  This segment also features one of the greatest quotes of all Simpsondome: "Mmmmm....forbidden doughnut."  I say it every time I eat donuts.

5. The Genesis Tub

I love Sci-Fi (and SyFy). I always thought the idea of mold turning into a civilization was awesome. This segment has its hits or misses but what makes the episode great it when Bart continually destroys the society in the petri dish, the society finally evolves far enough that they have space ships, which they send out to battle Bart. I laugh every time.

4. Clown Without Pity

Playing on Chucky and other killer doll movies a Krusty doll comes to life and tries to kill Homer. That part isn't really what makes this episode great. The best part is when Homer goes to purchase the doll, he goes to an occult store and his conversation with the store owner is priceless.

And the fact that they call service and the technician comes out to discover that the doll has been "set to evil." HAHAHAHAHA

3. Time and Punishment

I love time travel. In this segment Homer breaks a toaster (in the funniest way possible) so he fixes it, inadvertently building a time machine. He goes back to the days of dinosaurs and every time he touches anything or ruins something it changes the future in drastic ways. At first he's really cautious and the littlest things turn into nightmares: Ned rules the world, Donuts don't exist (but they rain), and then finally he has enough and goes on a murderous rampage. He never does get the world put back exactly as it was but he's content with it.

2. The Shinning

Arguably the greatest segment in Treehouse of Horror history and easily the most quotable. No beer and no TV make Homer Something Something. Urge to Kill RISING. And the fact that this starts of a chain reaction of Willy getting an Axe to the back in every segment just cements this episode as one of the greats.  This segment spoofs The Shining, even though they try to tiptoe around it because of lawsuit issues by calling it the SHINNING. Every moment of this segment from them driving out to the old hotel and continuously forgetting things at home to them freezing to death watching bad TV, this episode is just unending win from beginning to end.

1. Homer3

I remember this episode fondly. Actually I remember seeing the previews and having my mind blown by Homer IN THE THIRD DIMENSION! This segment features Homer going into an alternate reality where he is all CGI and awesome. I actually missed this entire episode when it first aired. I remember seeing the previews and getting overly excited every time and then I just missed it. I sulked and was depressed for an entire YEAR until I caught it on TV again. It was worth the wait. It is something that really never happened again and it was just so cool to see, especially in a Halloween episode. And to this day this segment is my favorite, for all the wrong reasons.


- Mr. Gable

Mr. Gable resides mostly in Mr. Gable's Reality. That reality is much more fun than the one you live in. There, ANYTHING is possible! Ridiculous fights, out of place robots, unnecessary sequels, annoying characters, Troll 2, and anything Charles Band has ever touched! Mr. Gable's Reality is your independent resource for everything BAD. Bad Movie News, Reviews, Opinions, and so much more!

Yokai Monster an Illustration by Yo Mutsu

Yo is a Portland based artist who I came into contact with through Peter Poison and Seth the Zombie. When I had to sell my DVD collection to stay afloat through unemployment, he was one of my main buyers. Our mutual love of puke and all things horror alined us. There is talk of a Guts and Grog show at the Lovecraft where he curates.


Yo has done a painting based off of "Yokai Monsters Spook Warfare" which was made in 68, and remade by none other than Takashi Miike. Check the trailers below for both. Make sure you also click the picture of his painting so you can see the full size image.

Yo is the curator for The Lovecraft (which specializes in horror, occult, gothic, and anything else dark themed.) Contact him if you want to show art. He also has a website, Puke Galore.

Full Moon Reviews.....The Gate

What drew me to Fred's writing was how in depth, and entertaining it was. That is a hard balance for some. I have been following him for a couple years now, and always feel the need to stop by Full Moon to see whats happening.

After I thought I was done with themes for a while, Guts and Grog suck me back in with their
Look Back On Horror With Training Wheels - otherwise G or PG rated horror that was marketed
to a younger, more innocent audience. I've been burnt out on these themes, which is why I
haven't been reviewing much late. But when Eric Martin asked me to contribute, I couldn't say
no.

While I do like my share of horror aimed for children and young teens, I personally watch
more mature, cerebral, gory, and/or violent horror - even when I was part of the younger
demographic. But there are some good-to-great horror aimed for kids and teens that I still find
some enjoyment in even today. Films like THE MONSTER SQUAD. Films like POLTERGEIST. Films
like LITTLE MONSTERS. Or the one I'm reviewing for the theme - the 1987 Canadian production
known as THE GATE.

Ah yes, THE GATE - a film I remember quite fondly from the VHS rental days of the late 1980s.
Hell, I still remember when I watched the advertisements for it on television, thinking the special
effects were freakin' cool as hell! THE GATE was a smash in its native Canada, although a
modest hit here - even though it did launch the career of Stephen Dorff [who starred in his first
film here] and Kelly Rowan [who would later become the mom on TV's The O.C.]. For the past
25 years, THE GATE has had a pretty big cult following, to the point where it even got its own
sequel in 1990. But is THE GATE still as awesome today as it was back when I watched it as a
child? Well...yes and no. Let's see why THE GATE may be still worth playing your vinyl backwards
for.

PLOT
Young Glen (Stephen Dorff) has a weird dream about his treehouse being struck by a lightning
bolt, leaving a strange hole where the tree once stood. After waking up frightened, he's shocked
to see that his dream may have been real. City workers are cutting down and gathering what's
left to Glen's treehouse, which has left a strange hole in the backyard. The workers cover the
hole up as best as they could, but Glen suspects that there's something wrong about the entire
situation. His best friend, Terry (Louis Tripp), goes along with Glen's suspicions, investigating
the hole. The two kids dig through it, revealing a pit that seems to go so far down, it may hit the
Earth's core. Glen and Terry find a sliver, but it ends up breaking - with a shard going down the
pit. A scary growl is heard after Glen and Terry leave the scene.

Like normal kids, Glen and Terry forget about the hole for a few and go on their separate ways.
Glen and his older sister, Al (Christa Denton), learn that their parents are going away for the
weekend. Both protest the need for a babysitter, as Al is sixteen and feels she can take care of
Glen and herself while they're gone. In other words, Al wants to throw a party for her friends,
including the Lee sisters (Jennifer Irwin and Kelly Rowan).

During the night of the party, weird things start to happen. A friend of Al's decided to perform
a levitation trick on Glen, which creeps him out when it works. Later that night, Terry's dead
mom appears to him. But when reality sets in, the mother becomes Glen's dog, Angus, who
is now a corpse. Glen wants to call his parents, but Al refuses to and deal with Angus herself.
Unfortunately, one of Al's friends dumps the dog inside of the mysterious hole, activating it
somewhat. Terry realizes through his death metal records [by playing them backwards] that all
evidence they have encountered implies a demon invasion coming out of the hole, which leads
straight to Hell. A group of tiny demon creatures begin to pest Glen, Terry, and Al and infiltrate
the house. Realizing they need to stop these creatures from causing more damage and releasing
their leader, the kids decide to put their heads together and close this gate from Hell.

REVIEW

Whenever I think about horror films I clearly remember from my youth in the 1980s, THE GATE
will usually be one of the first films to pop up in my mind. It's one of those movies that stuck
with me due to its visual presentation and cool special effects for the time. I find it weird that
two horror films involving some sort of demonic hole in the 1980s, THE PIT from 1981 and THE
GATE, were both made in Canada. I don't know what's going up in the Great White North but I'll
be bypassing any strange potholes, thank you very much. But I won't be bypassing THE GATE
whenever the mood for some childhood nostalgia hits anytime soon.

When I think about what keeps THE GATE memorable today as it did for me 25 years ago, it has
to be the special effects. Sure, CGI is all the rage these days. But nothing beats practical effects
and stop motion animation for me, especially when it's done well. And THE GATE does it really
well - so well that the effects hold up extremely great today. Hell, it still looks pretty cutting edge
today and puts many CGI inflicted films to shame.

The little demon creatures are well designed and choreographed so well with the human actors,
thanks to Randall William Cook - who had also worked on 1985's FRIGHT NIGHT and later on
THE LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy, which he won an Academy Award for. My favorite scene is still
the zombie guy falling to the floor, only breaking apart into a large group of these demons. That
moment used to be shown during all the television advertisements for the film, making me want
to watch this sooner than later at the time. I also love the giant demon creature who appears
at the end, trying to take Glen down to Hell with him. The blue screen effects aren't as evident
as other films who used these type of matte effects back in the day. You'd think they were real
people interacting with the actors instead of something added in during post-production. Just
really great stuff visually in THE GATE.

I also think the makeup work by Craig Reardon, who designed Sloth in THE GOONIES, is real
cool too. The zombie construction worker and the zombie parents look pretty eerie, adding to the
surrealism of the film. I also dig the eye on the palm of Glen's hand and a cut off hand turning
into maggots as it disinegrates. Just really awesome stuff that proves that imagination will always
be superior to clicking a mouse on a computer screen to make cool looking things happen. We
need more practical effects in modern movies. Today's generation of moviegoers have been
spoiled by lazy effects.

These visuals wouldn't be able to happen if it wasn't for director Tibor Takacs given them the
freedom to bring his vision perfectly to life. In fact, Takacs really makes THE GATE stand out
from other kid horror films of the time. The film never feels upbeat, creating a gloomy, bleak
atmosphere right from the start. Nothing ever seems to feel right in THE GATE, as there's always
something lurking in the background that's full of menace and terror. The action set pieces with
the effects are shot fantasically, really elevating the mood of the film from its much slower first
half. The use of shadows and editing put you on the edge of your seat. The use of people living
within the walls, the presence of ghosts, and all the dream sequences are presented with a ton of
surrealism due to the way they're lit and edited within the film. The cinematography is also pretty
good as well. It's just a really good visually presented film.

I also think THE GATE appealed to me back in 1987 because of the cast of children and/or
teenagers in the lead roles, as opposed to twenty-somethings dealing with a psychotic killer
wearing a scary mask. As a six-year-old, I could identify with Glen and/or Terry due to our
similar ages, putting myself in their shoes as they deal with a demon invasion. I don't have that
identification now that I'm older, but I do understand why so many people my age still have a
lot of love for THE GATE. The characters are likeable enough [besides the Lee sisters, who are
meant to be annoying so it's okay] and come across as vulnerable, yet active and intelligent to
their situation. They don't let things happen to them. They research ways to stop these demons.
They gather weapons to protect themselves. They communicate with each other in their own

way. Glen, Al, and Terry aren't stupid kids and you respect them for that. They never dealt with
this kind of situation, but they refuse to play the victim. That was encouraging as a kid and I find
it a bit encouraging today.

It helps that the actors portray the characters well enough. Stephen Dorff, in his first film role,
is very good as the lead Glen. He gives the character a ton of personality, whether he's giving
other people a ton of attitude, or crying when he starts feeling helpless. You believe every bit
Dorff portrays on film, making him one of the more natural and favorable child actors ever in the
industry. It's no surprise he's still acting today, as he definitely has leading man written all over
him.

The others are good too. Christa Denton is very credible as Al, but she doesn't have the best
dialogue to convey. Still, her performance is very natural. Louis Tripp, who would reprise Terry in
THE GATE II: TRESPASSERS, is the metal kid I always identified with the most. He's great in the
role and plays the best friend perfectly well. I think all three leads have tremendous chemistry
with each other, which makes THE GATE work more than it should. We also get Jennifer Irwin
and Kelly Rowan being annoying as the Lee sisters. Just a great cast of younger actors here.

As for the narrative, that's where the flaws I never noticed as a child begin to spring up as
an adult. I think the characters are well written. I think the situation itself is great and works
from beginning to end. There's not much depth to it or substance, but it's entertaining as a
straightforward horror demon movie. But there are things about THE GATE that bug me now that
never did when I was a kid.


For example, how does Glen dream about this invasion before it even happens? How does he
even sense this is happening, while no one else in his family does? Why is he the target of the
demons?

Also, how come characters act normal when strange things happen? There's a levitation scene
that shocks the teens at first, but they brush it off after Glen is freaked out by it. Also, the Lee
sisters are traumatized by the demons attacking them and the others in one scene, while in
the next scene they act normal and want Al to go out and party with them like nothing surreal
happened. Do none of these characters react like real people? Does this sort of thing happen
every other day? It doesn't seem natural to me.

THE FINAL HOWL
There are a couple of other issues I have with THE GATE. But even after 25 years, it still
manages to be really entertaining and a lot of fun to watch. It's got everything you would want
in a demon film besides a ton of gore, which is understandable since this is a PG-13 rated film
[which was originally written as an R rated film - that would have been interesting to see]. And
while the story doesn't make sense in the traditional sense, the fact that it gives you nightmares,
ghosts, heavy metal, demons, zombies, melting telephones, and eyeballs in hands makes it one
of my horror highlights of the 1980s. THE GATE still holds up extremely well and I won't wait too
long to sit down and watch it again.

Now if you'll excuse me, I plan to play some of my vinyl records backwards. Maybe they'll tell me
how to stop Justin Beiber. One can only hope...




My name is Fred, but they call me the Wolf. Love writing, watching films [especially horror], playing video games, listening to music, and just hanging out. Always been fascinated by films and pop culture for as long as I can remember. I want to be a screenwriter so I can help create a better Hollywood and stop this remake/spoof trend that the scene seems to be so involved in lately. Hopefully I can make it happen. But for now, I'm reviewing films and enjoying preaching the word on good and bad films.
Make sure to check out Full Moon Reviews for more of Fred's writing. 

Dr. Terror's House of Boogedy

I had been following the Doc for a bit, but what fully sold me was when he did a 3D Halloween special where he sent me some bad ass glasses to check some badassary.

Boogedy Boogedy Boo, I Love You: Disney Horror Comedy for the Kiddies  

When you watch a movie like Mr. Boogedy as a kid you’re terrified. Watching it as an adult you absolutely know that you won’t be scared. As Carleton Davis (Richard Masur) says as he’s about to enter the new family dwelling, “there are no such things as ghosts”. Still I couldn’t help but feel some apprehension. This movie absolutely had my nuts tied as a youngster. I’d wake up screaming and was convinced that the Boogedy Boogedy Boo was right around the corner, under the bed, in the hallway. The Boogedy Man was something to be feared especially if Gomez Addams/John Astin says so.

Mr. Boogedy is not exactly an easy movie to come by these days although I’m thankful that it was available on YouTube. It was part of a series put out by Disney called Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color which ran for quite some time. In its thirtieth year, we were treated to this haunted house story on network television. My family taped everything off TV in those days. I’d watch it over and over; a burned out VHS, EP setting, no quality version of what television found scary. The Disney Sunday movie series hosted by Michael Eisner was my childhood. I remember them showing Robin Hood with cartoon chasers and even the sequel to Mr. Boogedy, Bride of Boogedy. While you may be able to find this on some collected works offering from Disney the likelihood that you’ll find it in any affordable fashion is slim to none. I’ve even seen it offered on eBay by folks who don’t realize just how illegal video piracy can be. Disney please have mercy on their ignorant souls. See I’m talking about on eBay. Go find the VHS tapes if you can and if you have one for sale let Doc TERROR know HERE. 

What’s that? You have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about? No idea what Mr. Boogedy even is? Doesn’t surprise me. It’s not for the casual horror fan. Hell, it may not really be for the horror fan. It’s really for kids who need a good Halloween scare. Mr. Boogedy is the tale of a family whose patriarch is a gag store franchisee hell bent on opening a new store in the perfect location. The family picks up and moves into just about the most haunted house you ever did see; One step below the Marsten House from Salem’s Lot but just creepier than the Bates’ place. The realtor and historical society founder recants a piece of haunted house history to the family. The tale involves the ghost of Mr. Boogedy, a pilgrim who loved to scare the children of the town in life and who may or may not have sold his soul to the Devil and may or may not have acquired an invisibility cloak from which his powers are derived. It’s your classic tale of unrequited love mixed with witchcraft and dark magic. There’s even a trapped ghost family who can’t leave because of the Boogedy curse. I won’t spoil it for you as it’s really only about 45 minutes long, and you can check the whole thing out HERE in five parts:

            





The endless gags and novelties perpetrated by various family members including a faux Boogedy costume, shoe prints going up the wall, fake vomit, fake mummies, fake eggs are the things of kids humor but hey, I laughed my ass off. Then of course there are the moments that will terrify. The big booming Boogedy voice, classic haunted house organ, faux mummies coming to life, green lights, jack in the box vacuum cleaners, possession. It’s like one big cornucopia of scary things that kids find scary and non-horror lovers THINK are scary but maybe really actually aren’t. You’ll love the ghosts including Boogedy who are illuminated and seem to be able to toss lightning bolts from their finger tips using very Disney/Bed Knobs and Broomsticks style effects (even though we’re quite few years off the Landsbury classic). Beware the vacuum cleaner for it may kill you!

Richard Masur may have played Stanley in the TV adaptation of Stephen King’s IT, but for me this is where I know him. He’s in everything, but somehow I know him from a Disney flick. Figure that out. John Astin will make you laugh and then he’ll scare the pee out of you; absent minded and friendly but with hollow, sunken eyes that are sure to give the kiddies the creepies. He actually has a more frightening appearance than in his previous role as Gomez. Kristy Swanson pre-Buffy or anything else you may care about starring Kristy Swanson. I had forgotten she was even in this which really should tell you how much her performance “got me”. It even has David Faustino of Married with Children fame. Bud. Believe it or not… Benji Gregory of Alf too. Howard Witt plays Boogedy which will mean very very little for you unless you really dig 70’s television shows that may not have been ultra-popular. This is your standard veteran actor with a sprinkling of new talent 80’s TV movie cast. You won’t believe the things TV schlock perpetrated by Director Oz Scott. Take a look HERE.

It’s full of one liners and quotable lines with emphasis on making you laugh if you’re about eight years old. Again, you may need a few adult beverages in order to get a chuckle out of it although I didn’t.




“The Boogedy Man! His face was all yucky! Like a grilled cheese sandwich, or something”

 “Dad’s going to negotiate with Mr. Hamburger Face.”

 “Did anyone leave a greenlight on in the bedroom?” No? Must be Mr. Boogedy.



How about the fact that this movie takes place in Lucifer Falls or that the realty company that sells our beloved family the home is Devil May Care Realty? Yuck yuck yuck. Fonzy Bear humor gets me every time.

If you’re as much of a “big kid” as I am than this movie is a must watch for you. It’s camp. It’s funny. It’s just kinda sorta scary. You may have to sleep with the light on. Just remember that the best way to protect yourself from Boogedy is with a gigantic fly swatter or a novelty store vacuum cleaner. Also available on YouTube is the sequel Bride of Boogedy featuring the same cast, similar story… and an original score by John Astin himself. Enjoy it HERE (in parts):
Show these flicks to your kids and see if they’re still scary. Kids seem to always find Disney “horror” scary regardless of how scary they really are. Kiddies still freak out at the Watcher in the Woods. If the jump scares don’t get them the sound effects reel is sure to terrify them.


-Dr. TERROR still scared shitless after all these years. Thanks for the Nightmares.


Oh and … EAT THE EGGS!

Dr. James Terror has many aliases. Dr. Terror knows where and when you sleep. Dr. Terror knows what you had for breakfast and thinks you may want to consider milk with a lower fat content. Dr. Terror is a horror host. Dr. Terror does not work for a television network, cable company or radio program... How is Dr. Terror a horror host with no show to host in any reasonable hosting outlet? Dr. Terror hosts the world... of horror... and terror... and words you find in the Thersaurus related there to!!! :tee hee hee: Check out The Doc Here.

Tales from The Monster Squad

Batman and Horror? Of course I love Tales from the Batcave. Mitch is a madman, and was the lucky bastard that won the Dear God No! Nixon stripper action figure from me.

Before I kick this off, I want to extend a huge thank you to Tromeric for asking me to contribute to Horror with Training Wheels. Guts and Grog is a daily stop for me, and has been for some time. It’s quite the honor for yours truly to be writing a post here. Also, I think this is a fantastic idea for a theme week, and I’m glad to be a part of it.

Being a horror fan and a parent is tough. Being a horror fan and a single parent is even tougher. I know it sounds easy to just wait until the kids are asleep before indulging in a good old splatter fest, but only people without kids actually believe stuff like that happens in real life. When you factor in a full time job, then your second full time job (being a parent), and the exhaustion that comes with both, staying up until midnight, even on the weekends, rarely occurs. Not to mention, having to explain what’s on the television if one of the little ones wakes up and sneaks up on you in the living room. I would rather have to explain porn to my 8 year old than I would attempt to explain A Serbian Film to him.

Enter movies like the one I’m here to talk about, The Monster Squad. This is one of those extremely rare gems that appeals to kids of all ages. It somehow magically manages to be absolutely full of monsters, has a bit of the red stuff, a fairly significant body count, some genuinely creepy moments, and yet still I have no problem whatsoever sitting down with my kids to watch it. It’s a movie that’s been in my life for almost as long as I’ve been alive. I know it by heart, can quote it verbatim, and I still come back to it at least once a year. In fact I think there may be only one or two movies that I’ve seen more times than I have The Monster Squad. It’s that important to me.

The movie opens with Abraham Van Helsing and a small band of villagers raiding Castle Dracula, virgin in tow, making a desperate attempt at ridding the world of monsters by opening up a portal that sucks everything around it into limbo. To do so, they must find an ancient relic, and a virgin must read from a tome in German. Now, one would assume that if Dracula was in posession of such a relic, he might have it well hidden, deep within the bowels of the castle, heavily guarded. Nope, not this Dracula, he’s got it sitting right out in the open, atop a podium facing the front door. Drac’s a cocky fucker like that. Van Helsing and crew manage to get the portal open, however being that they do so with nary a monster around, all they end up doing is trapping themselves.

Fast forward to the present, and we’re introduced to Sean and the rest of the Monster Squad. I tell you no lie when I say that I would’ve given anything to have been a part of something like this when I was a kid. In fact, I still would. A group of friends who are convinced monsters are real, constantly draw pictures of them, investigate strange happenings, watch horror movies, and have daily meetings in their tree house. How do you get to be a member of the Squad? Easy, monster test. I would’ve been in that shit with a quickness. The one stipulation? No girls. This one I might have some qualms with today, but when I was a kid, I would’ve been all about this rule too.

It seems Dracula is searching for the present day whereabouts of his beloved amulet.  He’s also bringing in some heavy hitters to lend a helping hand, The Wolfman, Mummy, Creature, and Frankenstein’s Monster. All the classics, and all designed by the legendary Stan Winston. To say they look amazing would be an understatement. I especially dig the Creature, Wolfman, and Frankenstein’s Monster in this movie. The Creature here is a bit more fish-like than the one from the Black Lagoon, but it works just fine. The Wolfman looks about as perfect as werewolves get for my taste, he walks on hind legs, still has tattered clothes on, and has a half-snout. I’m not crazy about full snout, and I hate when it’s just a regular looking guy with yellow contacts and some extra hair around the face. Tom Noonan as Frankenstein’s Monster is spot-on. Frankey has only ever looked better once, and that was when Boris Karloff wore the makeup.

Turns out Sean’s parents are pretty much as cool as he is. His mom runs across Van Helsing’s Diary at a yard sale and picks it up for him. As expected he’s as stoked as any one of us would be in a similar situation, but owning it also brings about the interest of Dracula. Sean first discovers this when he sees a message that he’s gotten a phone call from a “Mr. Alucard” who is interested in buying it from him. And what’s Alucard backwards?!? DRACULA! Oh shit, this is definitely a case for The Monster Squad.

Their first order of business is to find somebody who speaks German to translate the diary. Luckily there’s a really old house in their neighborhood where a man they refer to only as “Scary German Guy” lives. This is the kind of house they tiptoe past on the way home from school, and run like hell if they even get the notion that the owner is watching them from the window. When they muster up the courage to approach the house though, they discover that Scary German Guy isn’t scary at all, and is all too willing to help them decipher the book. Here, they learn of the amulet, and it’s ability to open a portal to limbo once every hundred years to rid the world of evil. As luck would have it, the next day is exactly 100 years to the day of Van Helsing’s attempt.

The first monster to pay the kids a visit is Frankenstein’s. He runs up on Sean’s little sister Phoebe in one of my favorite scenes in the movie, while she’s sitting beside the lake near the tree house. It’s such a great little homage to Mary Shelley’s novel. The Monster ends up not being evil at all though, and actually befriends Phoebe. Subsequently, Phoebe is the first female inductee into the Monster Squad, and they have themselves a pretty damn impressive ally.

The next day, Sean’s alarm clock buzzes, and we are treated to a staple of every single fucking awesome movie from the 80’s...A MUSIC MONTAGE! The Squad’s got work to do, preparing for the big throwdown and midnight, and it’s going to take nothing short of Michael Sembello’s “Rock Until You Drop” to get all of it done. Carving stakes in woodshop, writing letters to the “Army Guys” asking for help, melting their parent’s silverware to make a silver bullet, and all the while Phoebe’s back in the tree house playing dress up with Frankenstein. As far as music montages in movies go, this one is easily in my top 3.

Next up, is to retrieve the amulet, which is in an abandoned mansion on Shadowbrook Lane.  The only problem is, Dracula’s already there. It’s this scene that provides us with not one, but two of my most favorite lines in movie history. The first comes when the Creature emerges from the lake outside the mansion, and scares the shit out of Eugene, making him drop his Twinkie in the process. When he returns to the rest of the group, he looks at them and says “Creature stole my Twinkie”. I freakin love it, laugh every single time. I even have the Fright Rags shirt with that line on it. The next one comes when the Squad is inside the mansion and The Wolfman attacks. It’s here that the age-old question is officially answered, does The Wolfman, in fact, have nards. Sean’s screaming at the top of his lungs at Fat Kid to kick him in the nards, and despite his assurance that Wolfman doesn’t have nards, he eventually kicks him anyway. When The Wolfman buckles over in pain, grabbing his crotch, Fat Kid looks down at him and says “Wolfman’s got nards!”. Again, I laugh every single time. I don’t have the Fright Rags shirt for this line, but I do have a shirt I got from Ript that has a picture of The Wolfman from this movie and the text “Got Nards?” at the bottom of it. In fact I’m wearing it right now.

After narrowly escaping their run in with the werewolf, Sean and company finally find and get their hands on the amulet. On their way out though, they’re caught by Dracula, who would’ve easily taken it from them if not for Fat Kid having a slice of pizza, covered in garlic, in his jacket pocket. Ok, while this is hilarious, I can’t help but take offense. I was a fat kid when I was little, and I’m pretty sure that I never walked around with slices of pizza in my jacket pocket. I mean, just how hungry is this fucking kid? Anyway, the pizza horribly burns Dracula’s face when Fat Kid touches him with it, and the kids escape with the amulet.

The Squad converges on the main road outside the mansion on Shadowbrook Lane, Sean and cew with the amulet, Rudy and Patrick have the virgin (Patrick’s teenage sister), and somehow Phoebe knew they would need the help of Scary German Guy, who has conveniently and inexplicably hopped in his Jeep with a four year old little girl he’s never seen or met before and headed out to find her older brother and his friends to fight monsters. Even as a kid this part bothered me. As I got older, I began to wonder exactly what the intentions of Mr. German Guy were with Phoebe. Maybe he would have indeed earned the name “Scary” had it turned out the monsters were in fact, not real. But it’s a movie, and sometimes you just have to ignore shit, and go with the flow.

It’s time for the main event! The Squad decides the church downtown is the best place to open the portal, and as Patrick’s sister begins to read from the tome, Dracula and company show up ready to kick some ass. The police show up, and eventually all Hell breaks loose at town square. It’s the Monster Squad vs The Monsters with the fate of the world hanging in the balance! Will Patrick’s sister get the portal open? Will Fat Kid also have fish food for the Creature in his jacket? Will the Army Guys Eugene wrote ever show up?! Do you really think I’m going to spoil the ending for you?!?!

The Monster Squad is a goddamn National Treasure as far as I’m concerned. There are only a handful of movies I hold in as high a regard as I do this one. In fact when I think back to the Alabama Summers my brother and I spent inside the house on the couch enjoying the air conditioning and watching movies, the three that come to mind the most are Rad, Summer School, and this one. For as much as I loved it, I have spent my life doing everything in my power to get any and everyone I come into contact with to watch it. I’ve never shown The Monster Squad to anybody and they not love it. Sure, no movie is going to be for everybody, but this one comes as close to it as I’ve seen. I’m also attempting to ensure that the legacy of the film continues on for years to come by watching it with my own kids. In fact, it’s my newest Halloween tradition. My daughter is four now, and starting last year, on Halloween eve, I sit down with both of my kids and watch it. I attribute my love for monster movies to my father, and I have every intention of my children saying the same.

Being that the theme is “Horror with Training Wheels” I feel like I should warn any parents out there who may be reading this, and might be a bit more uptight than I am, that The Monster Squad does earn it’s PG-13 rating. There’s a bit of colorful language, most of which is spoken by younger actors. It’s a monster movie, and as I mentioned earlier, it’s pretty damn full of monsters, most of whom are scary. And yes, there are deaths, blood, and even some gore. But most of that is to be expected going into a horror film, and even though it’s one with a lighthearted tone, this is ineed a horror film. Still, if you’re reading Guts and Grog, and if you’re at all like me, you’ll be perfectly fine with sharing this classic with your little ones.

I imagine at this point that I’ve rambled on way longer than Tromeric had intended for me to, so I should probably wrap this up. If you are a parent who is at all into horror, even if it’s just your thing for the month of October, I can’t recommend this movie enough. It’s entertainment for the entire family, and shouldn’t cause any significant nightmares or permanent scarring for the kids. Unless, of course, your kids are pussies. If that’s the case, well, I can’t help but feel like you’ve failed as a parent, and that’s your problem, not mine. Once again, I want to give a huge thanks to Tromeric for giving me the keys to Guts and Grog, and letting me do my thing. I hope I’ve been at least somewhat entertaining, and I sincerely hope you enjoy “Horror with Training Wheels”. I already know I’m going to.

- Mitch 

Mitch Reaves is a double-bacon genius burger, and just a little druuuuunk! Check out Tales From the Batcave for more of his awesome.

Sitting in a Dark Tavern Reflecting on The Pumpkin Smasher

When I first heard of another place full of booze and horror I had to become a regular. I now am that drunk guy at the end of the bar over at The Tavern of Terror. 

                                REFLECTIONS ON A PUMPKIN SMASHER

It’s Halloween morning and here I am, back from having walked the dog in the chilly autumnal air, sipping on a cup of coffee with my old, worn, and beloved copy of Anita Benarde’s The Pumpkin Smasher by my side.

When Eric of Guts and Grog approached me to partake in his series of posts “A Look Back on Horror with Training Wheels”, where he and other bloggers from the horrorsphere are revisiting spookies from childhood, the first thing I thought of was this book. I am delighted to have been invited and that I get to cover it.

Even as a child, I reveled in anything related to Halloween. I played with my Remco mini-monster all year round and checked out Crestwood House monster books from the library over and over again, inducing eye-rolling from my Dad. But there was one book that I actually owned and cherish above all others.

The Pumpkin Smasher was published in 1972, so it had been out for a while by the time I arrived in 1977. I can’t be sure how I ended up with it, as I really can’t remember ever not having it. Every Halloween my Mom and I would read through this little book and I would stare, awestruck, at the whimsical illustrations, all done in only black, white and orange. The yarn spun within is of a town banding together to save Halloween from a witch that is out to spoil the fun by destroying everyone’s jack-o-lanterns. The drawings really brought the simple tale to life using the core shades associated with the holiday, and made the illustrations seem to encapsulate the eerie magic of the season with its dead leaves, tangerine moons and charcoal skies.

Now, as a grown man, when I read this book the sense of nostalgia is positively flooding, and that same eerie magic that the book contained for me as a child is elevated by years of golden Halloween memories. Each page is a treasured artifact, flashing back on not just my own lost childhood but on a simpler time when Halloween hadn’t yet become so commercial and transformed by an increasingly cynical society. This was when Halloween was really about running through the streets at night in homemade costumes, kicking up leaves and munching on candy, all while living out the fantasy of being a witch or a goblin. It was a night when everyone made believe together and neighbors reconnected before the long winters would shut them in their homes. Now Halloween is sold in pop-up stores and trick-or-treating is mostly done in party form at malls or other “safe places” (though I’ll never understand how taking candy from the stranger at Foot Locker is safer than taking candy from the stranger down the street). Also, the kids who participate just keep getting younger as they all grow up faster. Today’s eight-year-old is more interested in their cell phone than in wearing a mask. The moonlit night gallivanting and the carefree impetuousness of youth are sadly missing from the holiday now, for the most part, but not so in this little time capsule of a book that is now celebrating its fortieth Halloween.

I’m glad to have held on to this book for all these years. Other people who grew up with its spooky charm now scramble to find this out-of-print gem and used copies sell for hundreds of dollars online. There’s nothing like nostalgia to make a collector open up their wallets. No price seems too high when we’re desperately trying to recapture the magic of our youth. Ray Bradbury explained that very well in his own Halloween tale Something Wicked This Way Comes.

 I suppose every generation struggles with change. Autumn itself is a time of great change, and somber in its way, hinting at another year closing to an end. While Halloween itself has changed, I am at least glad to see it growing in popularity over the years even as its traditions transform.

I hope I get at least a few trick-or-treaters tonight. I always deck my house out for Halloween, and each year I seem to be more and more alone in doing so. But by the time the holiday arrives all the neighborhood kids who understand the holiday’s magic know which house they want to go to. I’ll have my pumpkins out there too, and if a certain witch comes around trying to smash them, thankfully I’ll know what to do, having always appreciated Anita Benarde’s special little tale.

- Koyote the Bartender  

Koyote runs Tavern of Terror where you can find cool liquor and cult horror. It is the horror bar that reviews scary movies and suggests what alcohol to enjoy with them.

Top 10 Kids Animated Horror Shorts and TV Episodes with Mortician Matt

I have know Mortician Matt since the year that "Trick or Treat" came out. Holy shit. That is only six years after I swam out the dick. We spent many a day when we were suppose to be at school, hiding in one of our houses watching horror films, eating asinine amounts of food from the Canned Food store.  While not a regular contributor to the grog, he has always been a friend to it. He has sat through many a marathon, attended most of our grog party's and always been a supporter.


It’s a thrill doing this for the Grog, and as it turns out, I end up being able to do a list of something I truly love, animated horror. In this case specifically shorts and TV episodes. Due to the fact that there is a wild imbalance of quality in some shows contributions to animated horror, while others only have one or two really stand out episodes, I’ve made a rule that a given TV show can only have one episode on this list, otherwise we’d be looking at an incredibly dull and predictable list. Alas, get to fucking watching…




10. Drak Pack: Dred Goes Hollywood – Drak, Frankie and Howler get setup as the bad guys when Dr. Dred produces a film portraying them as children hating pieces of shit that pop the kiddies’ balloons and shit. Yes! Alvin and the Chipmunks Trick or Treason just didn’t quite make the cut because Drak Pack belongs here.

9. Lonesome Ghosts – A 1937 Disney short film about the Ajax Ghost Exterminators (Mickey, Donald and Goofy). Four Ghosts call up the exterminators and invite them over to fuck with their heads. Don’t get the wrong idea, Disney had some fantastic short films in the early years and this is one of the finest.

8. Looney Tunes After Dark: Transylvania 6-5000 – Holy shit! One of the all-time greatest Bugs Bunny back-and-forth’s ever as he goes up against Count Dracula in an abracadabra vs. hocus pocus duel of hilarity. The count trying to utter hocus pocus from under a rock is some terribly funny shit.

No decent video available. So a picture will have to suffice.

7. Scooby Doo, Where Are You?: Jeepers, It’s The Creeper – If you want to scare the shit out of a little kid, pretend to be The Creeper, it never fails, trust me. This one is a traditional Scooby formula with the best monster they ever faced, and a fantastic chase scene.

6. Beetlejuice: The Laugh of the Party – Lydia throws a Halloween Party and Beetlejuice invites the Neitherworld. SHENANIGANS! The best episodes from a fantastic animated horror show on in my formative years. My folks hated me watching this, so I made sure I never missed an episode, babe.

5. Tales from the Cryptkeeper: While the Cat’s Away – It’s the fucking Cryptkeeper! How could this not be included? This is the first episode of the show that introduced many a young monster to horror. You don’t fuck with the Cryptkeeper, or his shit or his monster security system will get you.

4. The Legend of Sleepy Hollow – I’m writing this is a cloud of the worst farts of my entire life. The Legend of Sleepy Hollow scared the fuck out of me as a kid. What I love about it is that in 30 minutes they tell a story better than others have done in 90 or more. Slow burn with a big payoff.

3. Garfield’s Halloween Adventure – There is so much good in this TV special I don’t even know where to begin. From the songs to the scary ass ghost pirates that not only scare the hell out of Garfield and Odie, but also make me have to change my drawers. It’s also funny as hell in a way only Garfield can pull off.

 2. The Skeleton Dance – A 1929 Disney short musical film with owl, bats and skeletons. Pretty fucking cool, and probably the coolest thing Disney has ever done besides the 1951 animated feature Alice In Wonderland.

1. The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V – I’ve never considered myself a fan of The Simpsons, but the Treehouse of Horror episodes are almost always worth the watch, but this one is unsurpassed. The opening segment “The Shinning” might be the most entertaining 8 minutes of the entire series and it’s just the beginning. Later on we have murder and best of all, there is cannibalism! “Homework: Eat a stick of butter.” HOLY FUCKING SHIT! This shit slays me. The damn thing ends with a song and dance by the Simpson family wearing their insides out and Santa’s Little Helper eats Bart.

- Mortician Matt

Mortician Matt is a musician and family man who knows more about wrestling than a grown man should. He has contributed to 411Mania and spends lots of time hiking and shit. His career involves picking up dead bodies that may or may not have "fallen" on their own. 

Vincent's Handmade Gremlin

Vincent was another person I met though Bad Netflix. At our first one he did an amazing picture of a bear being thrown into space by the Hulk. I frequently check his site for all of his new artwork. If Bad Netflix showed me anything, he is not just a great artist, but funny as shit as well.



Vincent has done not one, not two, but three pieces based off of Stripe's skeletal remains popping up out of the fountain from the first "Gremlins." This was the initial screen grab he drew(no pun intended) inspiration from. Make sure to click the images to see them in their full size glory.

First up we have classic Fuzzy Skeletonian:

 Then we have fuzzy brushwork demon from hell:

And last, but not least we have cynical soulless Andy Warhol print manipulation/colorization:

Vincent soon plans to unleash a great army of Fuzzy Skeletonian soldiers who will defile and mangle everything and everyone in their path, thus thrusting his grim world view on all of humanity.  In his off time Vincent enjoys drawing, painting, Mexican food, wine, margaritas, porn, beef, ripping on bad movies and complaining. Check out more of his work here.