Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Friday, September 30, 2011

The Simpsons: Tree House of Horror a Retrospective

     Being thirty one and growing up I am sure it goes without saying The Simpsons played an integral part in my growing up. Since I also was a huge horror nerd and spent more time on the playground talking about Chucky and Freddy than I did about about poontang and the Halloween special was something I looked forward to more than finally blowing a load(seriously it was like three years of dick chafe) after jerkin my gerkin. I loved all the references to Dracula and Clockwork Orange and plenty that at the time I didn't get. Seeing Bart as the raven was amazing as I was a huge Poe fan and every year there I would eat my candy and laugh my god damn ass off. This of course continued into High School and beyond. There was a few years I would say fifteen to nineteen that I didn't have TV and to be honest had grown tired of The Simpsons. Since then I have went back and watched all of them and for the most part love most. My biggest complaint would be the Mr and Mrs Smith one. Wow, who gives a shit? That movie wasn't horror and lasted about five minutes in the spot light. 
    I have been wanting to sit down and watch all of them back to back for a while now but just never found the time to do it. I knew it would be fun, I also knew it would be painful. I have learned over the years that all marathons get hard no matter how good the subject is. I am not talking double features I am talking balls to the wall marathons. I have done everything from A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Saw, Puppet Master, Children of the Corn, Tremors and Critters. Over at the Badnetflix Crew   I am known as captain of the endurance division. The grog does help but by the end of any of these marathons I am tired, drunk, irritable and question my sanity. That of course doesn't stop me and I will always to them as Pinhead would agree pain is pleasure.  Well the time came and I saw an opportunity so I took it. Steph Infection was here and Gabe Nye the Science guy was gonna come join in.

Do you know what the fuck that means? I don't.
I had booze, and snacks and monster cereals. It was go time.  As I watched each episode and got more affected by the grog my notes got more confusing and nonsensical, but at the same time I think they portray what I was feeling pretty well. Here is a actual episode guide if you want to see where I am coming from but I would just like to share with you my madness.       My handwriting has always been considered a form of abstract art but after two fifths even I don't understand everything. I will use a secret decoder ring I got in my box of Fruit Brute(I wish) to desipher what is happening and you may have to put yourself in my world to grasp what is going on. Are you ready for this challenge? If so here are my drunk observations on every episode of Tree House of Horror(which as I found out was not called that till episode thirteen). Enjoy?

Episode One 
Haunted house story
When a Stranger Calls reference
Poltergeist reference
Aliens Rule, kind of a Hansel and Gretel in space
Edgar Allen Poe
Bart's a Raven

Episode Two
Bride of Frankenstein Hair
Monkeys Paw
Twilight Zone
Frankenstein meets Robowar
Thing with two Heads

Episode Three

Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Alex from Clockwork Bart
Gremlins meets Trilogy of Terror
King Kong
Smithers doesn't think girls and seaman mix
Night of the Living Dead meets Return of the Living Dead meets Serpent and the Rainbow

Episode Four

Night Gallery  Opening 
The Devil and Homer Simpson= The Devil and Miss Jones
Devil Flanders
Hot Dog Jokes
Terror at five and a half feet(Wheres Shatner?)
Burns as Dracula
Lost Boys
Charlie Brown Christmas
Adams Family Simpsons song

Episode Five

Outer Limits intro
Shining like a mother fucker
Ray Bradbury's Sound of Thunder

Episode Six

Sleepy Hollow
Attack of the 50 Foot Woman
Godzilla Roar
Nightmare on Elm Street references like a mother fucker

Episode Seven

Twilight Zone of course
Earth vs The Flying Saucers

Episode Eight

Omega Man- Obviously. I am as drunk as Hasslehoff and I got that.
The Fly
Spy vs Spy
Origins of Halloween
The Crucible meets Witches of Eastwick
Episode Nine 
Freddy and Jason on couch gag
Stay Tuned?
Starship Troopers
How Stella got her Groove Back reference
Jerry Springer in his hay day

Episode Ten

I know what you did last Summer
Sixties Batman
Pauly Shore and Tom Arnold
Rossie O Donnell not in S & M

Episode Eleven

Munsters Intro
Ghost Dad title
This episode was Casey Anthony's inspiration
Fairy Tales without Linea Quigley
Free Willy fucked Echo the Dolphin
Jaws reference with less bush
Deep Blue Sea but more white
Dolphins are Indians
The Birds reference
Quote of the day "I wanna punch a dolphin so bad." - Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Episode Twelve

Psycho House
Flinstones and Shining twins costumes
Thinner without road head
Bart is like those African lady's I used to jerk off to in National Geographic
2001 reference
Harry Potter

Episode  Thirteen

Officially becomes Tree House of Horror
Dr Strangelove to save the day
Apocalypse Now FTW
Island of Dr Moreau

Episode Fourteen

Charlie Brown opening
Benny Hill
Reefer Madness title
Staying Alive Walk=less retarded than Spider-Man 3
Jerry Lewis
Superman vs Patty Hearst=Amazing
Fantastic reference

Episode Fifteen

Perfect Strangers intro
Dead Zone(I use to have Dead Zone powers)
Homer is Lex in Smallville
Jack the Ripper
Sherlock without dinosaurs
Fantastic Voyage

Episode Sixteen

13 Ghosts fucked The Most Dangerous Game
Edward Scissorhands reference
A.I. is a douche
Like that episode of Buffy where her mom fucks Giles
Bewitched reference
Sports jokes make as much sense to me as reality does to religious nutzos

Episode Seventeen

Tales from the mother fucking Crypt opening
The Blob without the less Dillon(who I like better)
Homers stomach is like that bitch from the new Twilight trailer
Sir Mix a Lot song upgraded
Day the Earth stood Still

Episode Eighteen

Kenny Loggins Jewish Space Creature
One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest
Fuck you Mr and Mrs Smith
Hell House-Christian Scare doc reference
Devil Flanders 2: Electric Boogaloo
Transformers reference

Episode Nineteen

Foosball for real
Prince is deadaroo
John Wayne in Heaven
Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown

Episode Twenty

Monster Squad sports heroes
Heath Ledger without pill popping action
Dial M for Murder
Hitch Cameo
28 Days Later
McBain meets Terminator
Phantom of the Opera
Random musical bullshit

Episode Twenty One

Office intro with monsters
Board Games come to life= Told the future IE Battleship
Titanic reference
Dead Calm is pretty sweet
Second Clockwork costume
Twilight Simpsons>Twighlight
Jock from Can't Hardly Wait is Dracula?
I wanna hang out with Count Chocula, Dracula, Grandpa Munster, Elvira, Blacula, and the Muppet Drac

Well I spent my whole day watching this and hope that someone out there can figure out what the fuck I am saying. I don't know. 


Thursday, September 15, 2011

Death Bed: The Bed that Eats- George Barry

     I don't even know where to begin. I have wanted to see this movie for basically a Christ age and a half. It has been basically a mystical creature. It is like God except I found it. Fuck you Jesus freaks. I win. Wheres your god now?  
     This is basically if Jodorowsky directed a Full Moon feature. It has more voice over than Milo and Otis. When the bed eats it sounds like a classless fuck eating an apple. The effects look like something I saw in biology in seventh grade and when people die they turn into a corpse floating in Mr. Bubbles. So basically it's amazing. 



Dark Waters- Mariano Baino

     This is a slow burner. It may burn slower than the Challenger did thanks to that teacher fireproofing it. It is obviously inspired by the great Howard(not the duck) I mean Lovecraft mother fucks.  It is also very atmospheric, and I don't mean full of rhymes about Jack Tripper or the ripper.
     The plot is not important. It is just fucking beautiful. It has more crosses on fire than Mississippi Burning. It has so many nun's crucified I couldn't stand up for like an hour and the creepiest twins since The Shining.
     If you enjoy Lovecraft or beautiful  imagery watch this. If you need everything spoon fed to you I got a high chair I can put you in mother fucker. Ill sick Casey Anthony on you though, so you better decide if it's worth it.



Elves- Jeffrey Mandel

    Another movie to add to the growing list of Christmas movies. This movie is everything you want from the eighties. Bad ass creature, gore, over the top acting, a guy that looks like John Carl Buechler( I am looking at you Grizzly Adams), and titties.
     The plot of Elves is fucking insane. I swear it was written by someone with borderline schizophrenia.  The elves were made by Nazi's  to become solders and fuck hotties and fuck up Christmas and taunt little boys. They used the family guy manatee ball method to make this shit up. Guess what though? It doesn't matter.  It is a sweet eighties movie with awesome effects that you can drink and have a blast. Dan Haggerty is like the coolest dude ever in this. You just wanna hang out with him. He is smart, inspirational and knows how to kill a fucking elf.  You also get incest and a cunt nugget mom who kill's cats and than gets her comeuppens which I always love seeing. You gonna fuck with a cat I hope your vagina gets fried till it's licking good fried. Yeah fuck you cat hater. Cry me a river, your daddy fucked you. He is in a wheelchair. If you cant stop an old dude in a wheelchair you were asking for it.

      So final thoughts. Who gives a shit what I said or what the box says. It is a movie called Elves. Killer fucking Elves.



The Last Circus- Álex de la Iglesia

     Clowns with machine guns. I assume I could stop this review right now and if you are not a pussy you would already be like" shit yeah I am gonna watch this." Thing is I am drunk and want to ramble a bit so fuck you.  The Last Circus is a Spanish movie with amazing visuals and a storyline that would make Terry Gilliam squirt knuckle children all over his pants.  I mean they would be running down his leg. Seriously.
     We start off in the thirty's and a circus is overtaken by some military.  They get all these fucking clowns and give them weapons. Have you seen a clown with a machete? It's fucking terrifying.  These clowns are fucking shit up and the blood is spraying like it's 1969(I am insinuating Sharron Tate's unborn child squirting like it's a Evil Empire video). I don't want to ruin the plot as I don't do that. I am not Roger Ebert.  It doesn't matter. The visuals are amazing. The end is like Batman 1989 if made in Spain.



Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Uh-Oh Show- Herschell Gordon Lewis

     Herschell Gordon Lewis returns for the first time since his highly underrated sequel to Blood Feast.  Is he like most of the greats from yesteryear dried up like your moms vagina? Or is he flowing like the falls at the Great Northern?
      I am hear to shout H.G. Lewis is still perfect at what he does. What is that? He makes movies to make money, they end up being super fun and have all the elements you want, so its a win win like that new wannabe Wes Anderson movie.   
     The Uh-Oh Show is what would of happened if Weird Al had asked Herschell to direct UHF.  It takes place at a network, they come up with crazy show ideas and battle evil. It's bassicly the same without that Twinkie bunned hot dog with cheese whiz thing. They have a game show where people are losing (that is for Son of Celluloid) their limbs to win some shit. You know what, that is all you get for plot. Did I mention this is a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie?
      Herschell Gordon Lewis is the Godfather of Gore. He is kinda like your grandpa.  When your grandpa says something it's funny, where as if someone else had said it maybe not so much. When I was a kid I would steal my grandpas porno magazines, they were pretty outdated and the girls had huge 1984 bush but they were awesome and a big part of that is where they came from.  I could go to my friends and steal his dads modern porn but it just wasn't the same. What I am trying to say is any old man that loves porn is bad ass, Ala any old man that makes a movie where a girl shoots chocolate milk out of her titties into a child's mouth in homage to  an earlier film of his where this happens is way cooler than me and you should give him some respect. 
     With all the Herschell dick sucking aside there is a lot of fun to be had with this movie. Sure it is low budget, the acting is mediocre, and the story is convoluted but it  is super fun. I mean I laughed and laughed and laughed. So many in jokes to other films, the effects are just as amazingly bad as they were in his earlier films. All practical of course with the exception of a few fire and electricity gags, and the cast is obviously having a blast comparable to the one Jackie Onassis took to the face with her husbands brain.  Talk about a facial(sorry been watching to many JFK documentary's lately).Herschell tells the stories like a champ, Brooke McCarter took a break from chasing the Coreys(whose fault was that? I'm looking at you Haim) to host a game show and the man himself Lloyd Kaufman steels the show with his gritty portrayal of a pimp. I can already hear the Oscar buzz. It could be the sequel to Three Six Mafia's win for as they so delicately put it. "It's hard out here for a pimp."
     OK. Final thoughts as I think I may of taken in to much of the grog and when that happens my hands just start pressing buttons. Like that, anyways final thoughts.  H.G. Lewis is responsible  for every one of the gore films you watch today, for that I thank him and quoted from some sticker machine somewhere "we will never forget."  They may not be perfect but they were always fun and always shocking for whatever reason and he still has it in him.



Friday, September 9, 2011

C.H.U.D. - Douglas Cheek

     One of the great New York eighties classics.   This movie is so dirty and grimy and awesome. It is one that is forgot often but is always nice to revisit. Kind of like your neighbor that played the I"ll show you mine if you show me yours game with you. Since you were a kid you have seen many things that look better but she still always holds a place in your heart. 
     The effects in this are epic. The creatures have stayed in my brain since I was a child. I used to walk to the video store up the road from my house to rent this on a pretty regular basis and one thing I always remembered were the god damn hideous fucking Chud's.  Well here I sit drunk off my ass at thirty one and god damn they still creep me the fuck out.
     C.H.U.D. is strange as it is one you don't hear about often but everyone remembers. F.K.U. wrote a song about it, as my sentence four lines up insinuates it is used in  other films. Kevin Smith remembers C.H.U.D. as he makes several references to them in his films and I always see shirts and posters all over the place.  John Goodman has a small role as does Bushwhacked himself Danial Stern. The music is classic and I stand by C.H.U.D. If I was given the option to watch C.H.U.D. a hundred times while someone penetrated my dickhole with a toothpick or watch through the Saw films once I would have to think about it. So yeah, what I am trying to say is C.H.U.D. is bad ass. Is it as good as C.H.U.D. II? Check the next review to find out. See what I did there? I am like an episode of lost.



A Horrible Way to Die- Adam Wingard

     A Horrible Way to Die is kinda like getting a pretty girl home. You are excited and everything is going well. You are enjoying yourself but kinda drunk so everything is kinda shaky.  She starts working the shaft and you are totally into it. She gets to the balls and you are so stoked.  Its time to switch. You start working from the top. You unzip her pants and low and behold it's a giant cock.  You think about running but at this point you are to far in. You say fuck it and just start working her shaft. She reciprocates and in the end you can look past the fact she had a cock because you came and it was kinda fun. You know it was not what you expected on going in but sometimes a surprise is good even if you have to work around a dick to get it.
     Fuck you M. Night. This is a twist.



Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Ice Cream Man- Paul Norman

     The ninety's. What a shitty time for horror films. Sure there were some exceptions but overall you got bullshit like I Know what you did last Summer and Urban Legend.  I remember watching this around the time it came out and thought it was pretty awful. Well I am here to tell you seventeen years later I watched it again and.......It's still kind of a piece of shit(does that mean I didn't enjoy it?).
      Clint Howard likes Kids and Ice Cream. He like Big Worm drives and awesome truck and does some sketchy shit.  He feeds kids ice cream made out of other kids, he give a kid a case of Stockholm Syndrome and he asked a kid if he was trolling for tuna.  This dude is wacka doo. 
     There are so many people in this that have been in classic film and TV. I mean underage naked Juliet is a nutzo, Thomas Eckhardt  is a priest and that dude from Airwolf is a cop, and don't forget about the foreign wolf food. Yeah, he gets the shit killed out of him again.
     OK. This is my turnaround. I am like Bonnie Tyler up in this hizzie.  This time through I still thought it was  a piece of shit. I however loved it.  So many great moments. Clint Howard putting on a puppet show for kids using severed heads, knocking out cops with ice cream scoops and well the main thing comes back to CLINT MOTHER FUCKING HOWARD.  His brother makes shitty movies but this guy owns me. Evilspeak, The Wraith, House of the Dead, Silent Night Deadly Night 4, and countless more badassary. 
      This movie is definitely something that needs to be watched under the right circumstances. Tonight I drank a fuck ton of Spider Bites and watched an old VHS rip of the Monster Vision episode with all the Joe Bob amazingness. Don't watch this sober, don't watch it if you want to see quality. If you have some time to kill and want to enjoy the bad put this shit in.
     Why have Ben and Jerry not made a flavor out of this? Get on that hippies.



Saturday, September 3, 2011

Ghoulies II- Albert Band

      I love the Ghoulies. Anyone that has ever read my shit knows that. They are bad ass and come from a toilet. Three is the best, hell one of the best movies in general and Wynorski directed four. It kinda sucks but Wynorski is a God and used the suits from Troll for it. The first one is sweet and has Jack Nance in it. Yeah Eraserhead mother fucks, not to mention that Suicidal Tendencies video. He must of been more of a coke fan.  Well lets get on to this shit. Ghoulies 2 where they will get you in the end....again. Marketing genius.
      The thing about all the Ghoulies films besides three is......they don't talk. What? I don't get it.  That's like if the first Homeward Bound was just a bunch of animals running around and not saying amazing things like "Birdzilla."  Let's make Babe: Pig in the City with a mute pig. This is not a Bresson film. OK. Fuck you.  With all that said. I can forgive this for a few reasons. The first being that these Ghoulies love W.A.S.P. Yeah. Blackie Lawless screams until we like it. The second is Royal Dano. He is playing a different character than I am used to. Yeah, he doesn't even have a dog. Crazy right? The third reason is Ghoulie puke. Yeah these assholes puke on so many people it's like a Lucifer Valentine flick.
     Well what are you waiting for? Marathon this shit.  Four movies that's only like six hours. Get a bottle and some friends and enjoy.



Friday, September 2, 2011

Attack the Block- Joe Cornish

       The Green Street Hooligans vs Manbearpig.  Seriously the creatures looked like gorillas in the mist fucked a crite and that baby ate a raver kid.  That gets me to one of my only complaints. Their fucking mouths.  They were so CGI it was fuckdiculous. The aliens weren't the best thing I have ever seen but they were pretty bad ass till they opened the stupid mouths.  Since I got the complaint out of the way lets get into why this movie kicked me in my pregnant stomach.
     The Kids were bad ass to the core of the earth. I would not fuck with these kids and I was already buying my own cigarettes when they were born. They were tuff as nails and believable to boot. With out over explanation you got that they had some fucked up lives and banded together to take care of each other. Sure they were involved in some shady shit but deep down inside they were brothers at arms. 
      The story.  It got started right away.  It was like going on a date and sticking your hand up a girls skirt before she has told you here name.  What I mean is it was my kind of date.  The thing is this girl didn't push you away. She was into it and for the next ninety minutes you get to have wonderful filthy sex with her. 
     The gore. Bad ass.  There are some great scenes of faces being ripped apart, heads being tossed like a  beach ball at some shitty concert that Dave Matthews frequents. No Bro Rape though. Get your natty ice, your game cube and your roofies and watch these goonies talk some shit and kill some aliens.



Bad Netflix Part Four: The Searh for Netflix's Gold

   Badurday September 17th

(*I heavily plagiarized Mr. Gable and Morbidimentia while putting this together)

(banner courtesy of

Saturday September 17th, 2011 starting at 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p

What is the Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon?

About three months ago we had our first ever Bad Movie Night on Twitter. We chose 3 movies available on Netflix Instant that we deemed bad enough to be awesome. Then we watched them and ripped on them MST3K style via Twitter. Also, we drank pretty heavily and misspelled words constantly. But we had so much fun that we did it AGAIN! We've watched baboons driving tanks, hunky men throwing things into outer space, Alice Cooper sing the Werewolf blues, and now we are gonna attack Ninjas, The Klan, Sherlock Holmes, and flying Zombies.

What can you do?

JOIN US! Get on Twitter, Fire up your Netflix Instant machines (if you’re watching on your computer you’ll have to download a plugin FYI), find a comfortable spot and rip these movies to shreds with us! Why? BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT! Just be sure to post your Twitter handles in the comments section or seek us out on Twitter and let us know you’re in on the fun. (On Twitter you can add people to a list, that way you don’t have to follow on your regular newsfeed, you can just pick it up on the list. Also, we will be using the hashtag #badnetflix. It worked really well last time and anyone that sees our posts will be able to pull up that hashtag and see what everyone else is doing as well!

By all means, make it your own. Maybe doodle pictures while you’re watching it, record yourself hating yourself for watching these movies, whatever you want to do!

Where can you find us?
Here is the official twitter .You can also just follow the list. You can also go to the Facebook or the official site. These are all still works in progress but they will be updated frequently. 

The Shit we are watching 

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes

2010-89 Minutes-PG-13
Directed by: Rachel Goldenberg
IMDB Rating- 3.9/10
A mob of massive monsters invades London in this low-budget take on the classic detective story, not to be confused with the blockbuster retelling of the Sherlock Holmes saga. In this version, Dr. Watson (Gareth David-Lloyd) begins to believe that the creatures exist, but master sleuth Sherlock Holmes (Ben Syder) thinks villain Spring-Heeled Jack (Dominic Keating) is behind the attacks. Now, they must track down the master criminal before his plan for world domination comes to fruition.

Ninja Vengeance

1988- 87 Minutes- R
Directed by: Karl Armstrong
IMDB Rating: 2.5/10

Drifter Jesse's (David Lord) motorcycle breaks down as he rolls into a small Texas town. The locals seem friendly, until Jesse uncovers the brutal underbelly of this quiet place, which fires his strength and honor as a ninja warrior. With lovely Samantha (Janet Pawlak) at his side, Jesse faces the Ku Klux Klan to save an innocent man (Craig Boyett). Even the sheriff is in the Klan's grip, and Jesse must summon his every skill to restore justice.

2008-87 Minutes- R
Directed by: Greg Bishop
IMDB Rating: 6/10

Filled with geekdom and gore, this tongue-in-cheek, teen creature feature centers on a high school prom at which the living dead await a crowd of unsuspecting students. Unfortunately for the promgoers, the only ones who can save them from zombiehood are the losers who couldn't even get a prom date in the first place. Can the vastly different cliques band together long enough to defeat the living dead? Jared Kusnitz and Greyson Chadwick star.

What time should you tune in?
Sherlock Holmes - 89 minutes - begin 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p

*15 minute break*
Ninja Vengeance-87 minutes - begin 10:15e/9:15c/8:15m/7:15p

*15 minute break*

Dance of the Dead-87 minutes - begin 12:00(am)e/11:00c/10:00m/9:00p
Closing Thoughts
This will be the fourth Bad Netflix we have done and I have made it to everyone.  Each one has been a blast.  I am super stoked for this one and want to thank all the fellow bad netflixers for allowing me to kinda set this one up. I hope the films are fun for everyone. We have had the curse of the third movie which I guarantee is going to be broken here.  As Morbid has said I am kind of sad to see the curse go. I am guessing it's like Menopause.