Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Friday, April 29, 2011

Goblet of Gore- Andreas Schnaas

    The dude that bought us the Violent Shit movies brings us some more shit. This shit rules.  Did that dude just fuck a girl in her stomach knife wound so hard it came out her mouth and his cum split her in half?  Yes he did and I loved it.  The intro is about as long as the movie and the end credits are longer.  The dancing skeletons rule. I drunkenly learned the sweet two step they are rocking.  This movie is shit. This shit is awesome.  Garbage you want to fuck.  Schnasster!!!!!



Friday, April 22, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 30

  Favorite horror film. Do I need to say anything?


30 Day Horror Challenge day 29

     My least favorite horror film. That is hard. I am pretty forgiving on a lot of films. Don't get me wrong I hate plenty.  I could go on about all the pointless remakes of foreign films, or the bullshit teeny bopper films from the 90's, or the ridiculous PG-13 kick but I don't care enough.  I personally do not enjoy the Saw films. I think the first one had some amazing moments but overall was not impressed but I don't feel hatred towards it.  Remakes in general are pointless but as we discussed in day seventeen there are exceptions, I did almost go with The Texas Chainsaw remake from 2003 as that film made me pretty angry on every level but when I got to thinking there is one film that made me stand up and scream "FUCK YOU WES CRAVEN."
    This movie was a mess. Wes Craven has made some of my favorite films ever and even ones that aren't necessarily  "great" that I love, like Shocker or Deadly Friend. Well when he put this out after years of reediting and procrastinating I was appalled. Really? Did that werewolf just flip me off?  I could go on and on with a hate filled rant but I won't because I got a grilled cheese and an episode of the X-Files to indulge in. 


Thursday, April 21, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 28

    A movie that no one has heard of? Have you heard of the internet. That makes it hard mother fuckers.  Ten years ago I could of made a fucking list but now. I will try my best but I know at least one of you has heard of this.  I have went on and on about Mike Mendez. The Convent and The Gravedancers were both more bad ass than an aborted baby.  His first film Real Killers seems to be one that very few have seen and still hasn't been released to DVD.  I saw the video in Hollywood back a Christ age ago and thought it looked like total butt spit as it kinda looked like Insane Clown Posse was on it and I would rather cut my dick open with a page from the bible then watch anything with those methed out fucks unless its the Miracles video cuz that shit is hillarious like Bill Hicks except its not suppose to be, so I guess its funny like the bible. Anyways. Real Killers is bad ass to the core of the earth.  Its broooooooooooootal, high-larious and outrageous.  It has a twist that rules and is nothing like that M Night bullshit.  Watch this if you haven't seen it.  If you have call me out. I know there is nothing I can put that a page full of horror nerds hasn't heard of unless I went with something I made and haven't showed anyone. Real Killers bitches!!!!!


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 27

     A guilty pleasure?  That is not easy for someone that proudly watches every movie ever that has the man eater logo on it.  I watch Theodore Rex, yeah that movie with Whoopi Goldberg and the dinosaur with chucks on and text everyone I know to tell them I am watching it for the third night in a row.  I shout from the rooftops my love for Blood Freak and Troll 2.  I look at the web store for The Asylum all the time planning out what sweet coffee mug from what 80's Pop Star movie I wanna drink my morning cup of joe out of. I read Mr Gable's Reality everyday to see what he has to recommend. I love bad shit and I am not ashamed.  "Gonna have me some fun."  Well when thinking about it I came up with one that stood out.
     Uwe Boll. This guy is one of the most hated directors out there.  Most of his movies are garbage.  I mean really fucking bad.  Alone in the Dark, Christian Slater gave a better performance in Kuffs.  Bloodrayne was so bad when it was over I couldn't even talk. Now we get to my choice. House of the dead, based off a video game where you shoot zombies.  That is about all the movie is. He interwove actual video game footage into this.The guy from Das Boot is in it and acts about as well as Shaq in Kazaam .  Lois Lane is in it and shows her titties which is sweet and makes up for the anger I felt during Butterfly Effect 2 when I was ripped off.  The editing, the writing, the acting its all shit, but you know what? I love it, I love all of Dr Bolls shitty ass movies. I am a bit ashamed but that's OK. A couple years ago he released the "funny version" and it was so fucking brilliant. Its like MST3K with Uwe Boll.  I will continue to watch his shit waiting for Auschwitz which I am guessing is gonna be the most offensive movie ever made.  I salute my lord and master Dr Boll for beating his critics and me into submission.


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 26

     A movie I watched a lot as a child. That is tuff as I have been nerding out on horror films since I was a wee little lad. I was constantly stopping at the video store on my home from school. I think I rented Dream Warriors a gazillion times. I pretty much wore out the end of the tape watching the sweet Dokken video over and over.  All the Friday the 13th films were watched many times. I seemed to always catch parts four and five on TV.  I could honestly go on for a long time naming all the shit I watched but when it comes to one movie I instantly think of watching tons when I was a kid it would have to be...
     I caught this on USA up all night one of the weekend nights I was trying to stay awake as long as humanly possible eating candy and drinking Jolt soda.  It came on and I fucking loved it.  There was just something about it that instantly drew me in.  A couple weeks later it was on again so I set up my sweet gigantor VHS player to record it and watched the shit out of it from here on out.  I still to this day will occasionally pop this bad boy in and feel like a kid again, not from Serbia but a bad ass nerd kid sitting in my house that is set up similar  to how my room was when I was dick high.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 25

     A horror film I used to hate but now I like? That's hard because I am a stubborn bastard so I usually stick to my guns. There are of course a few exceptions. Movies I saw When I was younger and didn't fully appreciate.  When I first saw American Psycho I was not a huge fan. I wanted to be. It just didn't do it for me. Through the years I have grown to appreciate it more but It's still not one of my faves.  When I was a kid Halloween 3 pissed me off because no Michael but now I fucking love it and see it as a great film. I considered both of these but when it got down to it there was one answer.
     I remember buying a copy of Phantasm 2 at a comic shop when I was a kid and loved it. I watched the first one and liked it but thought two was way better. Later on in life I did a marathon of all four and Loved the first one and it has went on to be one of my favorite movies of all time, its in the running for the last days entry of this challenge.  When I got to four I thought it was boring and felt like a shitty made for TV movie.  When I revisited it like a year later my mind was changed. I loved it. I loved all the flashbacks and seeing the Tall Man in his previous life. Now this has become probably my favorite aside from the original. 


Saturday, April 16, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 24

     This is a hard one for me. Most of the time I prefer the directors cut if anything just because I am a purist.  There of course are exceptions.  Army of Darkness was close.  I enjoy the directors cut but the ending in the theatrical is bad ass.  Dawn of the Dead I enjoy all three.  Argentos cut is entertaining but is lacking the commentary but I guess that was the point.  The theatrical cut is a little sharper than the extended version but Romero himself prefers the theatrical cut so I am not sure if that counts.  I went with a movie that a lot might not consider horror but that's OK, to each their own. 
     I was blown away by this the first time I watched it.  Sure now its hard to remember that with all the overkill of it but initially it was bizarre, terrifying, hilarious and unique. I watched it repeatedly trying to figure out exactly what was going on. It was like David Lynch if Todd Solondz had merged with him.  A few years later the directors cut came out and it was kind of insulting.  It was like Donnie Darko for dummies.  Everything was spelled out and it took away the fun and mystery that it had brought me.


Friday, April 15, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 23

    Only one week to go on this challenge. We are at TV movie. A tricky but overall fun genre.  A made for TV movie has some aesthetic about it that I generally enjoy.  The 70's and 80's brought some of the best with Dark Night of the Scarecrow, Trilogy of Terror,  Gargoyles, New York Ripper,  both Wes Craven and John Carpenter have dabbled in the TV world with pretty entertaining results.  Today we see the onslaught of SyFy's creature movies that are generally bad ass.  I almost went with Sharktopus as my choice but all the other croc's, gator's, sharks, and any other creature you can think of are a good watch with some friends and beer.  There is of course one man who holds the record for made for TV and that is Mr. Stephen "Watch out for that car" King.  Who can forget Pennywise or Barlow.  Storm of the Century was great and I even enjoyed The Stand and The Tommyknockers.  The list goes on but the one that stands out for me and I still remember watching when it first aired was....
     This has it all. Greasers, cool cars, amazing hair, zombies and the story just sucks you in instantly, not to mention it spawed the best sequel titles since Breakin and City Slickers. F.K.U. named their sophomore record after it and it rocks my balls off.


30 Day Horror Challenge day 22

     I am a sucker for pretty much any horror TV.  I grew up watching amazing cartoons like Count Duckula, The Real Ghostbusters, Toxic Crusaders, Tales from the Cryptkeeper, Groovie Ghoulies, no to mention The Beetlejuice or Attack of the Killer Tomato cartoons.  Speaking of cartoons once a year The Simpsons has brought memorable entrees into the genre with their Treehouse of Horror episodes. Growing up there were many great anthology shows such as Tales from the Crypt, Monsters, or Tales from the Darkside or the kids versions Are you Afraid of the Dark and Goosebumps and of course reruns of The Twilight Zone which was mostly Sci-fi but still had nods to horror all over the place.  Speaking of Mr Rod Serling Night Gallery which was a more straight forward horror show had some great episodes. The Munsters and Adams Family gave me my dose of horror comedy while Freddy himself brought me A TV party, sure it wasn't the best show on, but I didn't care it had Freddy fucking Kruger.  Friday the 13th also stepped into the small screen without Jason inexplicably but still a great fucking show and one of the shows that almost made it for my pick.  The X-Files kept Mulder and Scully looking for the truth from week to week but in between the Flukeman and the crazy inbred family  from home were there to scare the shit out of me.  Swamp Thing got a half hour to be a bad ass andBuffy the Vampire Slayer brought seven years of bad ass monsters mixed in with drama and life. Angel got his own spin off which had some amazing moments and seemed a little more grown up but had a couple story lines that made me want to lock my mythical kids in the trunk and drive into a body of water.  Reaper and Dead like me brought kind of a teen comedy feel to the genre while Dark Shadows brought the daytime soap action. Masters of Horror and Fear Itself was built on a great Idea and had some amazing episodes but a fair share of misses as well.  We are in kind of a resurgence of horror TV.  True Blood and The Vampire Diaries give us our Vamp fix, Supernatural continues to rule and brings everything from monsters to Angels and Demons without Tom Hanks.  The Walking Dead got an amazing start and how can you not love the lovable serial killer Dexter. England brought us Being Human which sounds like a laughable premise but plays out very dark and tension filled while Canada brought one of the best and unique horror shows with Todd and the Book of pure Evil. As you can probably see I love horror TV. It was my childhood and continues to be something I enjoy revisiting and seeking out. With all of these examples there is one show I have to go with. It may not be the best, it didn't last that long but when all is said and done I fucking love it and I continue to watch it to this day.
    Errie Indiana was basically The X-Files in Twin Peaks for kids.  Joe Dante was a consultant and it had some great guest stars like Tobey McGuire, Danielle Harris, Matt Frewer, and Michael J. Pollard not to mention John Astin and Harry Goaz where regulars. It unfortunately didn't even make it a full season but I will always stand by this show.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 21

    I am running late for work and wont be home at all tonight so I am doing this one on a  rush so I don't have a lot to say but for medical horror I am going with Mr Cronenberg.
     Rabid is one of my favorite of his and who doesn't want to see Marilyn Chambers running around with her vagina in her armpit?  There is a lot going on here but like I said I am late for work so I will leave it at that.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 20

     Day twenty brings us to killer animal movie. Really?  How can I pick a favorite?  Hey pick which actress from Burning Angel you want to have sex with, but only one.  I can't do it. I fucking love any movie with animals.  I don't care if its total shit I will watch it and probably love it.  I watch all this shit. The entire Maneater series. I rocked em. Movies with Gary Busey killing tigers. I'll stand by it.  David De Coteau made some movies with leeches or bears where its just a dude in a bear suit shaking a car. I will watch it and laugh the whole time. I don't give a shit.  There of course are the classics like Jaws or Alligator but aside from that you have Orca the Killer Whale.  Yeah whale abortion.  Night of the Lepus, fuck I am kinda scarred of those cute little bunnies.  Eaten Alive by Tobe Hooper or Rogue by Greg McLean were bad ass killer croc movies.  Crocodile and Crocodile 2 were fucking terrible but I loved watching the crocs save woman from rape scenarios. So many great killer bug movies. Arachnophobia, Them, Eight Legged Freaks, Ants.   Can anyone say Piranha?  How about the remake? The Asylums mockbuster Mega Piranha? That might be the best. All the mega movies. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. The Asylum also made Moby Dick 2010 which blew my mind like that girl from Necromantik blew that dead dude.  Speaking of sharks ummm Shark Attack with king of the straight to video Casper Van Dien, not to mention Meglodon  with the best pick up line ever. Lake Placid? Betty White talks bout dicks and sucking, part two with Bo Duke and part three that was way better than it had any right to be.  The William Girdler movies like Grizzly or Day of the Animals. He has something to say mother fuckers. The Boneyard with the giant Zombie Poodle, all the awesome crossbreeds like Sharktopus or Frankenfish?  How can you not love this shit?  Killer Dogs? Fucking Cujo, Mans Best Friend, or Devil Dog.  And don't forget Snakes. Python, Mega Snake, Jaws of Satan, Anaconda, Snakes on a Plane or the mockbuster Snakes on a Train.  These are all fucking priceless pieces of art you monkeys, speaking of monkeys can I say Outbreak or Monkey Shines?  Yeah well with all of these there is one movie that gives me the biggest nerd boner ever and that is......   
Thats right. Birdemic:Shock and Terror. This movie is a huge piece of shit. I love it like this one girl I knew loved an Icy Mike.  I am a bit tipsy off Spider Bites so I am gonna not even bother to explain this gem and will just link to my review I wrote back after the first time I saw this masterpiece.


Monday, April 11, 2011

The Life and Death of a Porno Gang- Mladen Djordjevic

     Serbia, what a happy place to live.  Nothing bad happens there right? I hear Sly is gonna make Rambo  5 there and film a scene where a newborn is shot then they will put a gun in its bullet hole and shoot that shit again. In my dreams I mean.
      A faux documentary that starts off seeming as if its a Serbian version of Tarnation  and ends up a sex hybrid of Greg Araki, John Cameron Mitchell and the director of Mr Hands.  Porno Gang starts off tame and works its way into everything from hardcore sex scenes to brutal murders and suicides.  I could go and explain the parallels between things happening in Serbia and the shock of the film, but I wont.  This movie is disturbing, brutal, intelligent and appalling  all at once and with no apologies.  The performances are very strong and this would not worked as well without them.  One scene involving a war veteran confessing his sins and getting hammer smashed faced is quite moving.  Porno Gang is a roller coaster as it goes from shocking, to moving, to funny to confusing, kinda like watching a handicapped person get raped by their special ed teacher. 



30 Day Horror Challenge day 19

     The powers of hell and satanism.  Sweet. I do love me some Satan.  The thing about movies involving Satan, a lot of times they are bullshit and turn out recockulous.   A few examples of classic satanic films would be of course The Exorcist, The Devils, Hellraiser and Little Nicky. OK I may be full of shit with that last one.  The Underground has brought us some interesting entries with the likes of Jim Van Bebbers My Sweet Satan or Kenneth Angers Lucifer Rising or the Mexican classic Alucarda which is almost what I went with for this.  The eighties brought us some great ones with Night of the Demons but when all is said and done I had to go with one of my favorites, maybe not the best film ever made, but I can't help but love it.....
     I have said it many times but I loved Mike Mendez. I think he is one of the most underrated directors in the genre.  The Convent is an hour and a half of Satanists, Coolio, possession, Adrianne Barbeau and as the trailer says Nuns, Guns, and Gasoline.  How can you go wrong with that. Well you can't.


Sunday, April 10, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 18

     Foreign horror. Wow this does not really narrow down much for me.  I have been watching horror films since I was dick high, and I mean John Holmes dick so pretty god damn young.  I had to start venturing into foreign horror just to find new things and have found many films over the years I love.  Japan has some amazing films, dating back to the 70's with Hausu and into the more modern years with Takashi Miike taking off in the late ninety's when he brought us Audition which is one of my favorite films of all time, not to mention Visitor Q, Ichi the Killer, Happiness of the Katakuris and countless more.  There of course are the Japanese ghost films which were amazing in the beginning but they beat over the head like the guys in three guys one hammer.  Then more modern day they have pumped out some pretty memorable mutant splatter films with the likes of Tokyo Gore Police and Machine Girl.  You of course can't forget about Italy with Argento, Bava, and Fulci among a group of other filmmakers that changed horror. Canada brought us Subconscious Cruelty while the french brought some fresh titles starting with the Gasper Noe films to Haute Tension to the more modern day Martyrs and Inside.  Let the Right One in has instantly become one of my favorites while Korea brought us Chan Wook-Park and I Saw the Devil.  That brings us to Serbia.  They brought us Life and Death of a Porno Gang and.....
      A Serbian Film will be remembered from her to eternity mostly for once scene but there is a lot more going on in this.  It is a test to embrace this film and most people that even have the courage to watch it once will never return to it. I have watched it numerous times now and while a lot of its appeal is the shock there is definitely something more going on here. The acting is fucking brilliant and it is a beautifully shot film. The music is just wow and it sticks with you.  Very few films have hit me the way this one did and for that I have to acknowledge it.


30 Day Horror Challenge day 17

     Remakes.  Overall a bunch of shit.  Of course there have been some greats. The Thing, Last house on the Left, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Cape Fear.  These are all so good I don't feel the need to talk about them. Some of the new ones have been sweet, The Hills have Eyes, My Bloody Valentine and a few others.  One stands out for me and that is......
     I know a lot of people did not enjoy this as much as I did but with the cast. Wow.  Crispin Glover is a God, I will watch anything he does. I had the pleasure of meeting him at a screening of his film It is Fine and he was one of the nicest most interesting people I have met, not to mention the movie was amazing.  Seriously though. I love H.G. Lewis but I thought this was a great homage to the source material while sprucing it up and almost turning it into a noir film.  The gore in it is amazing which is important with a name like Wizard of Gore.  I am really drunk, went to a show and just returned and have to be up for work in five hours so that is about all I can muster up on the subject, but what else do you need?


Friday, April 8, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 16

     Childhood theme horror.  This is a tricky subject.  There are many ways you can take this. I am guessing for the most part people are gonna jump right to The Monster Squad which is quite alright with me.  I fucking love that movie.  It pretty much captures what its like to grow up a horror nerd, unfortunately for me the part about meeting all the monsters never happened to me but god damn I wish it would of. Child's Play is another great example and one of my favorites The Gate.  When all is said and done I knew right from the start where I was going and I am sure I will get a lot of flack for it but luckily for me I just don't give a fuck. 
      I am a child of Ernest. I don't mean he fucked my mom but god damn I wish he would of.  I would of been way cooler if Ernest was my dad and that's saying a lot because I am pretty bad ass already. I mean I grew up watching all the Ernest films and TV shows.  Sure this isn't a straight horror film but when I was a kid that troll scared the shit out of me, literally I was just dumping buckets of Jolt soda out my ass. The Chiodo Brothers of Killer Klown fame crafted one gross ass scary mother fucking troll, and it may just be me but When I watched the new Troll Hunter trailer I think those Norwegians grew up with Ernest as well. The intro starts off and right away all my nerdgasms begin, I mean Ernest with Nosferatu. Shit yeah, and last but not least the music. I always get that theme stuck in my head.  I have had many days where my drunk ass just puts that song on repeat on my I tunes and I'm in Heaven. 


Mutant Girls Squad- Noboru Iguchi, Yoshihiro Nishimur, Tak Sakaguchi

     It's like X-Men with hot Asian girls who have chainsaws coming out of their asses and Belial looking faces in their stomachs and way less emo because its a bunch of girls instead of cyclops.
     This is the best of the Japanese Mutant movies.  I have enjoyed the majority of these but the choreography in this and the gore are top notch.  The pacing is the other thing, aside from a couple slow moments this just keeps flowing like Carrie White in the shower.  The girls are so sexy and fuck shit up.  One has a techno Freddy glove, one the arms of a squid and one is basically Black Swan.  Their Leader is a metro sexual who turns into a giant beast with huge tits and cleaver hands. Dead Alive anyone?  The battles are all super fucking bad ass and full of gore and fun. There is  a Visitor Q moment and they ride the I have no legs dude from Kids as if hes the magic carpet from Aladdin if powered by The Rocketeer.
     I do have one request Japan.  Stop it. You have been pumping out these mutant films at a ridiculous rate and I don't want to see it become like the creepy black haired kids movies you drove into the ground like the guy from that The Bridge movie.  Stop while your ahead this was a high note to end on and I don't ever wanna say "I hate those movies where the hot Japanese babe kill, get naked and shoot shit out their vaginas."  I would forever hate myself and it will be your fault.



30 Day Horror Challenge day 15

     Serial Killers.  Since I can remember I have loved reading about serial killers.  I would always go right to the true crime section in the library or used book store when I was a wee little lad.  This of course continued in my love for film.  There have been some great ones such as Henry:Portrait of a serial killer which is almost what I went with or Monster which I loved.  Ed Gein of course has been used many times in everything from Deranged to Ed and his Dead Mother not to mention the two movies just called Ed Gein. Just to note I enjoyed all of these except the newest one where I am suppose to believe that Kane Hodder is Ed Gein. The thing is for the most part I like all of the Serial Killer films.  Even shit like the made for TV BTK movie, totally dug it. Basically as long as Uli Lommel had nothing to do with it I will probably at least enjoy it for what it is. There is one movie that stands up above and beyond all of these those and that of course is what I went with.
     I had been reading about this for years thanks to people like Chas Balun, it was known as Charlies Family and I wanted to see it so bad. There were bootlegs you could find but I just never had any luck.  Eventually I heard Jim Van Bebber was going to film some more footage even though it had been like 15 years or something and re-cut it and put it out. I was stoked. I went and picked it up the day it was released took it home and had my mind blown.  It was so raw and vulgar and beautiful all at the same time.  Since it had been so long the interviews with the family where believable as they had aged quite a bit.  It plays out like a faux documentary with flashbacks and has a No holds barred attitude that would make Hulk Hogan jealous.


Thursday, April 7, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 14

     Day 14.  The zombie film, for this to whoever created this I say....Fuck You!  Seriously, there are so many god damn zombie movies, granted a big chunk of them are about as sweet as the maggots crawling out of my dead dads asshole but there are many that rule my balls.  When I started thinking about this right away so many came flooding into my mind, it was like Katrina all over again.  The purist in me was like well shit gotta go with Romero, everyone has their favorite and for me its Day hands down.  The gore and the isolation not to mention Bub who owns super hard. Then I thought of Dellamorte Dellamore.  I fucking love that movie, then all the horror comedy's came rushing into my brain like that line I did off that dead hookers ass earlier. Shaun of the Dead, Dance of the Dead, Return of the Living Dead.  Then I started thinking more obscure Jean Rollin brought us The Grapes of Death and Zombie Lake. When all was said and done though I only had one answer....

     Lucio Fulci AKA God.  When I think of a zombie movie that makes my shit rock hard there is one choice.   Did you see that zombie fighting that shark?  Yeah I just shot the biggest load out my dick.  Yeah that bitch just got splintered in the eye in slo mo.  I got in a sweet argument with my mom about this scene years ago.  She was mad because she was trying to sleep and kept waking up to a woman screaming. I told her "you would scream too if you were getting your eye gouged out in slow motion."  I still think this is a valid argument.  This is a little bit of a slow starter but once it does it keeps on going.  Its like the underdog in the special Olympics, you cant stop that.  The music will forever be ingrained in my brain and all the gore and zombies are so fucking awesome.  When I want  a zombie flick my brain always goes to this first.  


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Red to Kill- Hin Sing 'Billy' Tang

     Did you see that guys neck? Holy shit. A category three classic full of kids exploding on impact, rape, the most offensive portrayal of the mentally handicapped this side of  Handyman.
     So a dude and his brother are sitting while his mom is whoring it up his dad comes in and is gonna cleaver the dude when the mom straight fucks him up. The blood hits said kid in the face.  The kids start crying because they are pussies so the mom cleavers the brother and his blood hits him in the face.  Now she is going for him when she slips and pulls a Where the Red Fern Grows and her blood sprays him bukakke style. She was of course wearing a red nighty during this commotion so the kid get some weird hatred of red.  Jump ahead 20 years or so and any girl wearing red makes him want to kill and fuck, in that order.  It doesn't matter if they are twelve or tarded he will killfuck them. You see plenty of sick shit in this and you haven't lived till you have seen a mentally handicap girl scrub and shave her pussy violently while screaming "dirty" over and over again.   I will stop there as I don't want to ruin it?
      This movie is kinda ahead of its time when you think about Serbian Film and the reactions it caused, granted no babies are fucked to death in this but the pure insanity, disgustingly brutal rape scenes that are filmed in such an erotic way its confusing and the complete lack of taste when dealing with the mentally handicapped. If you are a sick fuck and want to see some insane shit with a villain that is actually  terrifying but some of the scenes are so over the top you cant quite take it serious watch this.  If you have any morals at all I wouldn't recommend it, but hey if you have morals what the fuck are you doing reading this? 



Tuesday, April 5, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 13

     Day thirteen which is the best day as we are not doing the 666 day horror challenge.  Today we attack the horror comedy.  One of the harder genres to nail as everything has to be weighed out just right or it just doesn't work.  I can't count how many times horror comedy's end up not working as the balance is so tricky.  However there have been some great entries into the genre.  Shaun of the Dead is great and although its high on my list it didn't quite make the cut.  I may be one of the few but I love Club Dread but again not today.  When I think about horror comedy for my money(which isn't much after I return from the liquor store) you can't beat Joe Dante and most importantly.....

    The Burbs is a classic and is played like a who the fuck are my crazy neighbors film should be.  I never get sick of this Tom Hanks in by far his best role(wheres the Oscar for this fascists?) and all the suporting cast is amazing.  Corey Feldman, Bruce Dern, Carrie Fisher, Brother Theodore, Dick Miller, Courtney Malachai Gains and so many more.  This is a movie that no matter how pissed or sad or drunk I am I can put in and will have uncontrollable laughing fits.  Not to mention there is a surprising amount of tension trying to figure out just how fucked up the neighbors are. 


Monday, April 4, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 12

      Day 12.  The occult. Oh I love the occult. Had to go with a movie that I loved even though it is relatively new.   I however just worked a double and dont have the energy to come up with anything to say about it so I will just link to my drunken review I did for it when I first saw it. So here You go.


Sunday, April 3, 2011

Top 10 of 2000

    How can you not think of Harrison Ford doing a sketch on Conan when you talk about the year 2000.  The world didn't end as many thought it would.  Florida shows the country that it really can't count and Jack Lemmon became a grumpy old man and one of the saddest days in history when we lost Ernest P. Worrell himself Mr Jim Varney. Now onto the movies. 2000 was a weird year.  Some goodies but shoved between a lot of garbage.  Here we go.

    10.Wild Zero- iTetsuro Takeuchi  

So bad ass.  Guitar Wolf killing, rocking, combing their hair and just being awesome.  There is a drinking game on the DVD where you drink anytime they say rock and roll, someone combs their hair of something gets lit on fire.  I almost died. 

9.  Final Destination- James Wong

Had no interest in seeing this. Once I did was pleasantly surprised. Not perfect by any means but the deaths where so fucking fun it was refreshing after such bullshit as I saw what you did last summer and other such shit.

8. Shadow of the Vampire- E. Elias Merhige

Willem Dafoe is always great but this is one of his highlights.  The director of Begotten shows his stuff in this historical horror awesome show. Never get sick of this.

7.  Ed Gein- Chuck Parello
Many films have been made about Ed, some just loosely(IE TCM or Psycho), some more accurate like this, Derranged or the bullshit one with Kane Hodder play Mr Gein and of course the classic, Ed and his dead mother with Steve Buscemi.  Steve Railsbeck play this perfect and I always enjoy revisiting this like Mr Gein liked to revisit his moms body(with semen).

6.  Requiem for a Dream- Darren Aronofsky
Some people may argue the validity of this being  a horror film.  Well for that I say "FUCK YOU"  This movie makes me cower in the corner like a little girl about to meet her daddy's belt. The look on Jennifer Connelly's face at the end makes me sick to my stomach. 

5. Battle Royale- Kinji Fukasaku
Today I killed my best friend. That line alone made me fall in love with this.  So fucking good.  Brutal, intense and just fucking awesome.  Lets do this.

4. Uzumaki- Higuchinsky
The first time I watched this I was so stoked. I hadn't seen to much like it. The visuals in this are mesmerizing and it has the worlds best screen fade ever.  I did a triple feature with this, Begotten, and Eraserhead one night and my mind almost blew up and spiraled into the sky.

3.  Ginger Snaps- John Fawcett

Having your period is like turning into a werewolf. Awesome.

2.  The Convent- Mike Mendez

This  Nuns, Guns and Gasoline.  Mike Mendez has yet to let me down.  Coolio and Bill Mosley as cops. Seeing Jesus on shrooms, and nuns killing the fuck out of people.  Love it.

1.  Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger 4- Lloyd Kaufman

The first Toxic Avenger was a huge part of my childhood.  The two sequels were entertaining but lackluster at best. Then this came along and blew my mind like your mom blew my cock.  Hard.  So inappropriate and hilarious.  Toxie 5 is gonna own.

Well the year 2000 was kinda all over the place.  Next we move into the 90's.  Maybe the dream was alive in Portland but in the horror world it got a little awful. See what I find to be the best films in the worst decade of cinema.


30 Day Horror Challenge day 11

Day eleven brings us to sci-fi horror.  I had to think about this one a lot. I love Alien but not quite as much as many people out there. Aliens is sweet but I wish Paul Reiser would get raped in the face I hate him so much so it kinda ruins it for me. Tetsuo is amazing and I almost went with Predator as well its amazing. When all is said and done though there was only one choice. And that choice was....
     Hardware has it all for me. The atmosphere draws me in ass soon as I put it in and the music is so good. I get that shit stuck in my head and it wont go away.  Cameos from Iggy and Lemmy.  The effects are so slimy and gooey and well I just fucking love it. If you haven't seen this you are missing out.


Saturday, April 2, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 10

Psychological Horror. So many ways you could go for this. I however have one choice and don't even feel the need to explain it.

Friday, April 1, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 9

     Day nine.  Grindhouse/Exploitation.  Lots of movies I could go with here as it is such a massive term but right away I knew where I was going.  When I think of exploitation I think of sick, vile, offensive and unforgiving.  Well I'm no mathlete but from what I can tell that equals the one that goes all the way. I am of course talking about.  
    This movie is repulsive.  You wanna talk about exploitative?   They exploited the grandaddy of all tortoises insides atop a bunch of natives who were probably getting paid in bark.  I am not glad about this. It sucks. With that said I fucking love this movie.  The music is one of the best things I have ever heard and watching a girl get rocked in the clam with such beautiful music is so off putting  that it circles back to beautiful. 


Hobo with a Shotgun- Jason Eisener

     Rutger Hauer is in it? Its called Hobo with a Shotgun? I'm in.  This was pretty much my response when I first found out about this and after watching it I stand by it.
     Hobo is basic. He gets mad, gets a gun and starts taking on the city of shit.  Crooked cops, crime bosses, that dude who made bum fights you name it he will shoot them in their mother fucking face. 
     The difference I see with this and a lot of the faux grind house movies that have come out in the last few years is it seems like it could of been made back in the 80's.  It's over the top as shit and by shit I mean it arm wrestles and drives a semi.  The effects all are very practical and gory and awesome, the lighting is very reminiscent of Argento and the music keeps you pumped. I think the whole movie was just one big montage of awesome. 
     Hobo wont change anything, it doesn't really bring anything new to the table but for pure shits and giggles and bad ass killers, lawnmowers, dead kids, hookers and Trailer Park Boys it has served it right up on a silver platter for your sick viewing pleasure.