Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Thursday, March 31, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 8

     So we are on day eight and it brings us to anthology. I originally was going to go with Trick r' Treat as that movie gave me such a horror nerd boner party in my pants.  It however as many people have pointed out is more of a interwoven story than an anthology. That brings us to the Creepshow movies.  The first one is a classic and the second one brings back more childhood memories than molestation but as much as I love them there is another movie that will always hold a special place in my heart and my pants.  This movie is part of my childhood and continues to make me a gitty little schoolgirl. this movie is of  course.....

    The punk rocker from Return of the Living Dead made this with everyone's favorite Encino Man finding mother fucker Sean Astin not to mention Donkey Lips and one of the best cameos ever involving a surreal Growing Pains moment. The TV show with that Jesus freak not when you legs stretch out. It is three kids sitting around a campfire telling whats grosser than gross stories and being awesome. Its like Are you afraid of the Dark meets Creepshow.  I watch this movie at least once a year and it never ceases to stoke me and turn me into a kid again.


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 7

     Day seven brings us supernatural film. I am right off the bat automatically narrow this down to ghost film as otherwise it is to vague for me and I have no fucking clue where to go. Ghost films are weird. Some are amazing but overall it is one of my least favorite sub genres.  Sure there have been some greats that people like William Castle have pumped out and I really liked The Others, I thought The Sixth Sense was a one trick pony similar to Blair Witch  or Paranormal Activity. The Eye was excellent and so was Ju-On and Ringu before Asians made me hate creepy kids with black hair.  In the end I narrowed it down to three. The Abandoned which is in my opinion one of the best of the After Dark films and after Aftermath I will watch anything  Nacho Cerda does. Next up is from far left field Ghost Dad. Now I know I will get a lot of argument for this but for my money Ghost Dad is a great film and makes me happy every time I watch it, plus it is way better than Leonard part 6.  I do understand that this is barley a horror film which is why opted for my final choice which is none other than Mr Mike I made The Convent and Real Killers Fucking Mendez's .......

    This movie blew me away and I would say is the best of the After Dark films. It has it all, it is creepy as fuck and witty as me(see what I did there?).  I live right next to a graveyard and sometimes I drunkenly end up in it.  The next day when I wake up covered in dirt and confused I always think of this and am like at least even drunk I know not to disrespect the dead. I cant promise however that I haven't danced on any graves which is why this movie scares the shart out of me.


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 6

     Day five brings us the vampire. What a creature with a few exceptions the vampire is a douche with rapey eyes and bad hair. Vampires have become pussy's and spend more time molesting high school girls then they do drinking some mother fucking blood. In the beginning vampires were bad ass. Nosferatu quietly made it clear he wanted to suck all the blood out your body while Dracula looked out the window a lot and made it creepy. Here and there you get a gem like the Nosferatu remake, or some of the Hammer films adaptations or Bram Stokers Dracula. I would also include Daybreakers, Cronos and even Shadow of the Vampire, but like I said vampires have been overtaken by Mormons and born again Christians so it is not to shocking that they like to molest and be awkward.   Well rant aside here is my pick that I feel goes above and beyond any of the films I have mentioned or can think of.

     This movie blew my fucking mind when I first saw it. I couldn't look away. The children cast in it were flawless and it was better looking than any girl I have ever seen at 2:30. Every time I watch this it gives me chills and the end is fanfuckingtastic.


Monday, March 28, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 5

Day five, we have arrived at monster movie. This is difficult as many movies could be considered monster movies but I will just stick with what I consider the best which is the revenge twisted masterpiece.
  That's right. I fucking love Pumpkinhead.  Stan Winston set the bar high with the effects and who doesn't understand Ed Harley's drive for vengeance. I mean a bunch of mountain dew drinking douche bags pull a Stephen King on his ass and leave because they are scared of the po po. That would make me summon a demon to clean house. I mean who likes mountain dew?

Sunday, March 27, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day 4

     So we are at day four which brings us to the werewolf film.  Werewolf films are weird. There isn't a ton of them and even fewer I don't think are garbage.  There is of course the classic Wolfman which holds a place in history but compared to the rest of the Universal Monsters is kinda lackluster if you ask me. The Howling and An American Werewolf in London are great and the effects blew my mind like an alter boy at the Vatican. Ginger Snaps is one of my favorites and almost where I went with this but when all is said is done I have to go with Cursed. Oh by the way I almost threw up even just typing that. Cursed was such a steaming pile of elephant dung and was the final nail in Cravens coffin. So now that I got that out of the way here it is. My pick for best Werewolf film.

     Dog Soldiers came out of nowhere. I initially didn't even pay attention to it when I first heard about it. Then I rented it and was blown away. It was like Predator with werewolves and contrary to what P.O.S. says Predator is fucking bad ass. This movie is nonstop action with some effects to match. I put this on when I'm looking for my inner bad ass. It makes me wanna look at porn and eat steak and listen to the Trey Parker song from Orgazmo.


Saturday, March 26, 2011

30 Day Horror Challenge day three

So we are at day 3 which is favorite slasher.  I have mixed feelings on this as it depends on how you want to define "slasher." I was thinking about putting Maniac or The Prowler as I absolutely love both of those films but I don't know if I quite consider them slasher films, I think of them more as body count films. Not Cop Killer Body Count but you get the point. Then there are of course the classics say Psycho, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Black Christmas. All great in their own right but still not quite where my brain goes when I just want a slash some bitches fun fest. I narrowed it down to Slumber Party Massacre, Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers, and The Burning.  Now with those I have to pick one. This list thing is way harder then I expected.  Well my final choice is .....

I hate to use the same franchise I did for the first day but when I just want a slasher with amazing kills, great music and an amazing killer I always pop in this gem.  It is my idea of a perfect slasher and I always have the God Damn Happy Camper song stuck in my head for days.  

Friday, March 25, 2011

Die-ner(get it?)- Patrick Horvath

     So I got real drunk and put this little gem on. I was expecting some garbage with a few redeeming qualities kinda like Retardead or something like that. I hit the play button after my fifth spider bite and the opening happened and I already knew I had looked at this all wrong. It's like when you wake up in the morning and the girl you brought home with you  is in the shitter and you have the moment of fear when she walks out assuming you brought home a yeti or some shit and then are pleasantly surprised when shes not half bad.
     DIEner starts off with a back and forth between a South African waitress(I was sold just on the fact she was South African) and a traveler.  The back and forth is very believable and tense all at the same time which is when I realized I had judged this movie wrong. The traveler guts her and the cook and we get a sweet opening credit sequence reminiscent of a late H.G. Lewis movie.  Next up we have a couple who is fighting because they finally realized there is no such thing as true love.  There is some awkward back and forth between them and the traveler who is now pretending he works at the diner. Next up we have the sheriff who came straight off the set of Dukes of Hazard. Now all hell breaks loose as for some unknown reason everyone starts turning into zombies. They don't explain it and I am OK with that. I will quit there as the rest is better left to the viewer to discover.  The thing about DIEner is everyone in it is really good. I didn't expect that. The killer is reminiscent of Paul Rudd and plays his character right on the line of creepy and likable. He would make a great child molester. The couple is believable and pulls off all the tension and humor quite well.
      DIEner is not a perfect film but put it in and you will be surprised at what they pulled off for what I am sure was quite the modest budget. There are worse ways to spend an evening and this one has no risk of and STD so thats gotta count for something.



30 Day Horror Challenge Day two

     OK day two which is The horror film that you relate most to. This was a hard one for me. What direction to go? I have never killed anyone so what part do I relate with. I though about Inside as I hate babies so I guess I could relate to Sharron Tate style abortions but not really.  I work in a diner so I could relate to Blood Diner but we don't serve people.  Well here is what I ended up deciding on. 

Trick or Treat- I grew up in the 80's and loved me some metal. I would listen to my Scorps tapes on my walkman. I always wanted my music to come alive and kill all the douche around me.  Granted it didn't but I still said sweet things like "death to false metal."

Day one of a 30 day horror challenge I am taking part in

So I noticed Dollar bin Horror put up a 30 day horror challenge and I cant pass up a challenge so here is day one of said challenge. Make sure to check out their page for their results.

Day one: A horror film that no one would expect you to love, but you do.

    I will go with Return to Sleepaway Camp. This movie was so hated and I don't get it.  It is the return from Robert Hiltzik and captures the feel of the original. I love all the sequels but one is a classic and why I loved it from the first time I saw it when I was barely dick high is everyone in it is basically a piece of shit and I was stoked when they got their dumb ass face boiled off. This movie changed nothing but I sure enjoyed watching more hi jinx at sleepaway camp. This is brutal and angry and is fun to put in grab a glass and get your hatred out. Then of course follow it up with Ernest Scared Stupid. 


Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Garbage Pail Kids- Rod Amateau

    So due to a challenge called out by Mr. Gable himself three brave solders set out to play a game of torture and gambling of their own self worth with a viewing of the 80's sleaze kids debauchery known as the Garbage Pail Kids.    It was on this weekend in March that Morbid Dementia, Mr. Gable and I Tromeric set out on our mission and because we are brave warriors(or in my case because of the massive amount of booze) we survived this mission with very few injuries.  These are our findings. Look below for my review then make sure you follow the links to the other two as they actually succumb to the English language.

     People like to complain about this movie, they talk about how bad and cheesy and ridiculous it is.  Excuse me? Are you talking about that movie based off a set of trading cards where they shit their pants and vomit and fart a lot?   I would just like to let everyone know that that movie staring The Fat Boys as orderlies isn't Oscar worthy. Jesus people what did you expect? I am sorry Orson Wells
did not come back from the dead to lens this modern masterpiece of farts and vomit. I will take the next sentence or two to explain this gem, if it takes that long.
     Dodger works at the antique store from Friday the 13th the series, he is like 12 and in love with a twenty something year old who is boning a Kevin Dillon lookalike reject named Juice who has nothing to do with 2Pac.  Juice and his gang?(one douche in a fishnet vest and some viking woman in some gross ass leotards) like to fuck with Dodger and Tangerine doesn't seem to mind.  A fight ensues and the gross garbage can that Captain warned him is the only thing not to fuck with of course opens up.  Dodger is thrown into the sewer where we finally meet our friends the GPK.  They get him all cleaned up, piss shit and puke on him(most movies with this I have to get at a different kinda store). Well for the next hour we see the kids make him some "sweet" stylish cloths that Tangerine can exploit by shoving her hot little 80's boobies in his face.  The kids get into trouble and all kinds of shenanigans ensue.  They meet up with some bikers at the toughest bar in the world. This is good as they will need their help when the poor little shits get taken to the asylum for the ugly.  Well you get it, it is pretty God damn basic but what the fuck did you expect.
     In closing I will reiterate, how do you not know what to expect?  I mean its the mother fucking Garbage Pail Kids.  I used to ride my Schwinn Predator(not that dude in the windowless van with unlimited candy or the alien warrior but a sweet bike) to the corner store with whatever change I could scrounge up just to buy a pack and laugh my ass off at what clever bodily function they made a character out of. This movie is by no means perfect, it like the bible is full of plot holes and confusing and supposedly has a message but is so convoluted it is laughable, but I will take the same stance many people seem to take on the bible and look the other way and just except it.  I mean for fucks sake its the God damn Garbage Pail Kids, I don't remember Jesus giving anyone a hot lunch, if he did I may of taken a different path in this life.  So I guess what I am saying is don't be a pussy.  GPK for life.



Alright try and sober yourself up after that and make sure you head over to Mr. Gables and Morbid Dementia's for their take.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

I Saw the Devil- Jee-woon Kim

     Holy shit, I Saw the Devil takes the serial killer/revenge flick turns it around and fucks it right in the ass with that strap on from Seven.
     Oldboy himself has himself a little hobby, he likes to rape, torture and kill bitches. He is kinda like BTK except less of a pussy because he doesn't go to church after. He stops his short bus to help Storm Shadows fiance how has a flat. He decides fuck helping he would rather shatter the window and her face.  This of course pisses Storm Shadow off so he goes on a hunt fucking Charles Bronson style.  First he straight up fucks up a couple of  lowlifes until he finds the right one.  He then sets out to make this guy feel the pain he has felt.  The thing is how do you make a monster feel?  Unless your talking about Frankenstein's monster from The Monster Squad its not that easy. You have to become a monster yourself. I will stop here as the ride is one of the highlights of this.
     In conclusion watch this fucking movie.  It is damn near perfect.  The cinematography is fucking beautiful, I have never seen a naked Asian woman covered in blood and wrapped in plastic look so god damn amazing. The music is spot on and the editing keeps the story flowing more than an anemic on her period.  The acting is flawless and well just about everything in this is perfect.  We may have it folks the first perfect film of the year. I saw the devil and fucked me real good.



Thursday, March 17, 2011

Rubber- Quentin Dupieux

     Holy shit. Rubber. It is like Au Hasard Balthazar but with a tire instead of a donkey. It has the spirit of David Lynch and the best friend from UHF.
     It opens up with a car approaching hitting every chair in the obstacle course. You would be lying if you tried to deny that it was an Asian woman approaching  but to the shock of us all it is a Sheriff who is gonna pop out of the trunk way easier than that girl I put in my trunk last week.  This Sheriff is a poor mans James Woods and he is here to break the third wall more than JCVD. He explains that many movies have confusing elements and basically who gives a fuck?  This speech reminded me of Blood Freak but with less coughing fits. Now we see the audience who are handed binoculars so they can watch the movie the same way my poor ass did when I was a kid when I lived next to the drive inn. This crew throughout the film lends its thoughts, kinda like an Oliver Stone commentary if done by the MST3K crew.
     Now for the next hour we get to see a tire become Carrie White while pulling some Scanners ass shit and stalking woman as if Michael Powell was behind the camera. It is non stop amazing what the fuck party time.  I don't feel the need to go on as if you aren't convinced that you need to watch this you were the star of newborn porn when you were a baby and there is no coming back for you.
    I will leave you with a direct transcribing of a text convo between Gabe Nye the Science Guy and I as we were watching it at roughly the same time.

Tromeric: "So I may be drunk but regardless the music in Rubber is so bad ass. I just realized I am dancing Beavis and Butthead style by myself. "

Gabe Nye the Science Guy: "That's pretty hilarious. The music is perfect though."

Tromeric: " I am in fucking love. Fuck. Tricycle and a gang of tires while Goblins bastard grandson rocks the synth. This movie made my shit rock hard."

Gabe Nye the Science Guy: " Fuckin' A. It's a work of genius."

Yeah. This movie is that bad ass.  Watch it and love it.



Sunday, March 13, 2011

Battle: Los Angeles- Jonathan Liebesman

     Battle is like trying to cum five times in one sesh. May seem like a good idea but by the end you just want it to end and your ass hurts from trying new positions.