Sunday, July 25, 2010
So Micah over at 365horrormovie passed on the Versatile Blogger Award this way. So thank you for that good sir, there are a few rules around receiving an award. First, thank the person that gave it to you(done). Then, list 7 interesting things about yourself(I could go on for days), and finally, pass the award on to 15 other worthy blogs and let them know you awarded them(don't think I read 15 but I will do my best).
1. When I was a wee little Shit I tried to dig to hell as I had heard it was down and thought it sounded like a bad ass place. My grandma returned home and found her garden tore to shit and me in the hole already deep enough to bury a body(I'm thinking she considered that as a possibility). Who would of thought all these years later I would still be digging my way to hell(in a less literal sense).
2. Back in the days before everything was on DVD I spent $230 on an Eraserhead VHS.
3. Although I spend much of my time seeking out the most twisted and fucked up films available, I, like Sears have a softer side and have a weird obsession with talking animal movies. Homeward Bound is one of my most watched movies ever(right next to Lost Highway)
4. Of all of the movie marathons I have done in the years the most painful were the Saw marathon(I don't enjoy these films at all)and the Children of the Corn one(10 fucking movies). Someday I would like to attempt a Witchcraft marathon.
5. I co-owned a video store named Videodrome in the butthole of Washington also known as Yakima.
6. Michael Horse(Hawk from Twin Peaks) told me the most random story about a pissed off beaver I have ever heard. It was the Travis Bickle of beavers from what I hear.
7. I once jumped off a 40 foot bridge into 2 feet of water(guess I should of checked that first)it hurt.
and now I will leave you with a small list of bad ass blogs from the verse.
The Inferno Music Vault- Probably the best of the Soundtrack Blogs out there.
The Manchester Morgue- Lots of great soundtracks as well as plenty of randomness to keep you entertained.
Toys can't hurt you- Amazing custom Action Figures. He made one based off a Municipal waste song for Christs sake.
Mondo Holocausto- Great reviews, has been inactive for about a year but I'm still hoping it comes back.
Well nowhere near 15 but oh well of Course 365horrormovie would be on here but I'm guessing since he gave it to me I am not suppose to give it back. Anyways thanks for reading and check out these blogs motherfucks.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Rickity the Field Mouse, Eric Forman, Razor Charlie, Angélica, and Jimmy Jump wake up after drinking some mountain dew. After exploring for a bit they come to the conclusion that they may not be in Kansas anymore. That's just the first couple minutes, after this
badassary ensues. Fuck the Rush Hour sequels AKA the Alien vs Predator movies. Bullshit ass shit I say. Predators have not been bad ass since the Glove took em on back in the day in Los Angeles. This is by no means a masterpiece, its slightly predictable, and pretty basic story wise. Who gives a fuck, its two hours of ass kicking, spine ripping, beheading, and killing the fuck out of predators and humans alike. This movie is more fun than putting Christopher Reeve at the bottom of the stairs and setting his lazy chair at the top. Akira Kurosawa guest directs a scene and it is fucking amazing. Ok that may be a lie, but I still think his ghost was involved somehow. There is a few homages to the original which are awesome but not recockulous. The music is great not as great as the wonderful Alan Silvestri score but still very fitting and definitely inspired by the original. Evan is making me ramble, if you need more than this to go out and see this you may be nothing more than a slack jawed faggot, make the time, see I don't have time to bleed but I do have time to see this and you should to, get to the chopper and thank that fairy tale in the sky that there is finally another Predator movie you can get behind.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Another guest review from Jimmy Caution this time, check out is label Amputape for some badass tapes and zines and whatnot.
Okay so this is supposed to be a real time film shot on a really shitty DV camera about some girls going to or coming back from some sporting event or something. Since the film is in “Real Time” so is this review. The camera work is an abhorrent attempt at “Cinematography”. Everything looks out of focus and blurry (or maybe that’s my fault?) They just keep fucking with the camera while the five shitty actor girls vomit their useless dialogue. The ladies decide to deviate from the main road their friends are on and take some side road “Just to see where it goes.” Are you fucking serious?! Oh and big fuckin surprise their cell phones stop working. They all have shitty coverage apparently. Hmm, there’s a bunch of words shrieking through my TV, I think it’s supposed to be dramatic. Oh shit! One of them is a Christ-y and started praying!!! Wow. Oh yeah, I forgot to mentionthere’s someone following them. She looks like a pissed off soccer mom with a shotgun. It would be just fine if she blew their heads off right now. These chicks are super annoying and I can’t wait for them to be killed. Shotgun Soccer Mom orders the girls to strip and threatens to shove her shotgun up this chicks ass and blow it through her mouth? Sounds sexy.Now she makes one of them piss herself ala The Last House on the Left but completely unmoving/boring like the shitty remawas. Oh SSM just left, sorry, I was checking my email.
Anyway, um the girls are crying and giving topless hugs to each other now and even that is boring. So far the most interesting thing was a moth or something that was flying around the cars dome light for a minute. It bailed pretty quickly. Much like I would like to do right now if it wasn’t for the fact that I promised Tromeric I would send him something for the Grog. These girls are reaaaally stupid.After the SSM leaves they follow the same fucking directionas her to escape? Of course SSM starts after them again. Are you sick of reading this yet? I would be. Did anyone see that Korean film The Chaser? That was very well made, very suspenseful. Naboer is excellent as well, the director understands how to tell a story and keep it interesting (hint hint). HAHA one of the girls shit in her hand and threw it on the SSM’s window. Oh now a sneeze puke. Is this why the DVD cover says attention grabbing crap like “Brutal” and “A film that demands to be seen!”? Can you feel how much I am hating this? I could be making a turkey drawing with my hand or reading the bible, or some other pointless activity and it would be better than this. Have you seen how fucked up Roger Ebert looks now? What the fuck happened to him? He uses a Hawking style computer voice to speak and has this insane perma-smile on his face. I should be watching video of that right now.
I kind of admire the lack of any sort of score or soundtrack in this. Yet I feel like if there was something to drown out all of the screaming I could enjoy it better. I’m the one who keeps screaming by the way. Fuck these athletic girls are strong and smart. They try to hide the car and can barely push it a couple of feet and then toss a few branches on the windshield to hide it. Kind of like when you were a little kid and thought if you couldn’t see someone when you were hiding they couldn’t see you. FUUUUUUCK there’s another hour of this left. Wait there’s only one girl in the car now? I’m sure the massive flashlight she is using to escape won’t draw the SSM’s attention at all. I’ve seen better movies from Brain Damage. There’s some Evanescence kinda song playing and a bunch of the girls are back now? I’m confused and insulted by this. The special effects are so shoddy. This girl is supposed to have blood all over her mouth but she just looks like Spaget from Tim & Eric. She had a screwdriver stuck up her vag, I guess that’s “Shocking”. The girl that’s driving gets glass from the windshield stuck into her eyes but is looking at the blood on her hands and freaking out? Hmm, she is also able to drive and see again after wiping her eyes on her friends’ sleeve?Best line of the movie “If she kills you you’re dead!” Seriously someone took time to write that. Man, fuck this movie. One of the quotes on the DVD sleeve is from SlasherPool.com saying this is “Brilliant, demented, and disturbing…One of the best horror movies ever!” The person that said that either got paid to do it or has never seen a horror film before. This lacks any real intensity, emotion, or believability. With what the Directors were trying to accomplish with the “You’re there in the action” style it all fails miserably to achieve any semblance of reality. This is crap. I’m even going easy on it, I could say a lot worse with more detail but why fucking bother. And to the Directors:when you Google yourself and end up reading this review of your fucking horrible movie, just remember that I paid for it. I spent money on this. Your movie was crap and there were two of you working on it! Didn’t one of you at least say to the other at some point “You know um, this doesn’t really make sense and is pretty horrible.”? Fucking hell! Better luck next time guys. How you got such hyperbolic quotes from some semi-respectable film sites blows my mind. That is the only thing shocking and terrifying about FIVE ACROSS THE EYES.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
So I went into this with very low expectations, I sift through a lot of shit and its safe to assume most of it is gonna suck Jesus balls. So like many other days I grabbed my drank put in the disc and expected to be bored and downing my half gallon of Evan Williams to survive. Within minutes i heard lines such as "I'm gonna kick your balls right out your twat boy" and " not even vomit could tarnish that sweet ass." With these great lines, dumb ass characters and massive amounts of gore within the first few minutes I was willing to give this cheese fest a shot. The lines continued to crack my shit up, at first I was writing them all down but within ten minutes I realized that I didn't have the patience as they were as common as a 10 year old's smegma on the popes shaft. This movie is by no means perfect or even close, it is however a fun ride full of blood, vampires, Nicholas Brendon, horror punk, Tom Towels, hillbillies, Attempted Bro Rape, and some of the most offensive hilarious dialogue this side of a Giuseppe Andrews film. Think Sundown date rapes Dead and Breakfast and 2000 Maniacs shows up and aborts the baby they made. If you want quality cinema I wouldn't necessarily recommend this but if you wanna get fucked up and do fucked up things grab this disc take a few shots and have some mother fucking fun.